Husband had one time affair

[katiebigs]

I am in desperate need of advice and guidance. My husband and I have been married a little over two years. Last night he told me that two nights prior he had gotten drunk and ended up sleeping with a woman he knows. He seems sincerely remorseful and wants to repair our marriage. I don't want a divorce either, but I feel like my world has just crumbled. This was not an ongoing affair, it was a one night stand, but it happened all the same. For the past 12 hours I've cycled between hurt, anger, betrayal, defeat, loneliness, desperation, disbelief, denial, and just hollowness. I don't know where to go from here and I don't know what we do next. I've never known anyone personally to have affairs within the church, so I feel so lost. Clearly we need therapy, but we cannot afford it because he's a full time college student and I'm a teacher. Before he went through the temple, he drank and for awhile after he stopped. Then he began drinking a beer every now and again, always justifying it and saying it wasn't the same as drinking "real" alcohol. Then the other night, he decided to do shots with his buddies as well and got drunk, which hasn't happened in years, and which led to the one night stand. He's scared, but he wants to go through the repentance process. Here are some questions I have that hopefully someone can help me with:

 

1. Is he going to be ex-communicated? This wasn't a pre-meditated thing and he was drunk. He is really scared, but wants to go through the repentance process. Is he going to have to leave the church? If he is ex-communicated, what is that like? What happens? How soon can he come back to church?

2. Who do I talk to for support? I don't want any of our family or friends to know because I'm so ashamed and I don't want any more hearts to break. But I feel so alone and I need help too. Do I talk to the bishop too? Who can I trust to talk about this?

3. What happens now? I feel so lost and in a fog. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do we make it through this?

I think one of the worst parts about this is I feel so alone. I need help. 

[anatess2]

So sorry to hear this katie.  Hope you get the help you need and may you feel the love of the Savior.

Here's my 2 cents:

1 hour ago, katiebigs said:

1. Is he going to be ex-communicated? This wasn't a pre-meditated thing and he was drunk. He is really scared, but wants to go through the repentance process. Is he going to have to leave the church? If he is ex-communicated, what is that like? What happens? How soon can he come back to church?

2. Who do I talk to for support? I don't want any of our family or friends to know because I'm so ashamed and I don't want any more hearts to break. But I feel so alone and I need help too. Do I talk to the bishop too? Who can I trust to talk about this?

3. What happens now? I feel so lost and in a fog. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do we make it through this?

I think one of the worst parts about this is I feel so alone. I need help. 

These are the wrong questions.  I believe your question should be - How can I bring my husband and I closer to Christ?  That's what matters.  If he has to get ex-communicated to bring him closer to Christ, then that's what he needs to do.  If your family and friends have to know to get him and yourself closer to Christ then that's what needs to happen.  Trying to "save yourself from shame and heartbreak" is not going to do good if it leads you and your husband farther from Christ.

What happens now?  Go help your husband find his way back to Christ.  The best person to show you that path is your bishop.

The Atonement of Christ is ultimately the light at the end of this tunnel... find your way there.  Yes, it is going to be difficult - but it will be all worth it.  We're cheering for you!

[omegaseamaster75]

1 hour ago, katiebigs said:

1. Is he going to be ex-communicated? This wasn't a pre-meditated thing and he was drunk. He is really scared, but wants to go through the repentance process. Is he going to have to leave the church? If he is ex-communicated, what is that like? What happens? How soon can he come back to church?

It depends, he needs to start by having a conversation with the Bishop. As an endowed member things will not be so easy for him since he knows better.  This isn't to say he will be excommunicated a lot of things go into that decision.  If he is it's not the end of the world.

1 hour ago, katiebigs said:

2. Who do I talk to for support? I don't want any of our family or friends to know because I'm so ashamed and I don't want any more hearts to break. But I feel so alone and I need help too. Do I talk to the bishop too? Who can I trust to talk about this?

Call your Bishop, he can also recommend LDS family services, while you claim that you can't pay for counseling I think that if you prioritize correctly you will find that you can afford it. If you really can't afford it the Bishop will supplement through fast offerings. Why would you bring your family into this? Your husband is your family don't compound the injury by bring in other people into it that don't need to know.

1 hour ago, katiebigs said:

3. What happens now? I feel so lost and in a fog. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do we make it through this?

See your Bishop, See a MFT. It will take time and effort to come through this.

[Chilean]

3 hours ago, katiebigs said:

1. Is he going to be ex-communicated? This wasn't a pre-meditated thing and he was drunk. He is really scared, but wants to go through the repentance process. Is he going to have to leave the church? If he is ex-communicated, what is that like? What happens? How soon can he come back to church?

He might not be excommunicated, but it wouldn't be a bad idea. As I see that's hes  been comfortable with sin for awhile... like not obeying the Word of wisdom. I think, he has issues he hasnt resolved and that's why hes been drinking and cheating (even if it was once). Where was he when he was drinking and cheating? Where were you? I'm sorry, but people don't just decide to sin, or break the law of chastity. Breaking the law of chastity takes time, you first start thinking about it, doing it little by little. He was cheating a long time ago before he actually committed the act.
If he gets excommunicated it will be a good thing for him to truly know where he stands in regards to the Gospel. Repentance and the atonement will help him and heal him, but it wont come easy, he's have to go through hell and back first. But that will be the trial of his faith.  

When he confesses, he'll have a disciplinary meeting with the stake presidency and the high priest, he will  have to declare in detail everything he did and everything that lead him to it.  Yes, they will judge him, and ask questions and probably make him feel like trash (that's how my ex felt, and never came back to church after that, probably cause he wasnt truly repented).

How soon can he come back? YEARS! it takes years after being excommunicated.  Breaking the law of chastity and committing adultery doesn't have an easy fix, he made temple covenants, and he's a priesthood holder.   But repentance and healing is possible, but it wont happen over night.

3 hours ago, katiebigs said:

Who do I talk to for support? I don't want any of our family or friends to know because I'm so ashamed and I don't want any more hearts to break. But I feel so alone and I need help too. Do I talk to the bishop too? Who can I trust to talk about this?

You need a therapist, and he also needs one. You need to focus on yourself and the things you do have control over. Your life has just been shattered and your going through trauma, you need as soon as possible, so you can learn to cope with everything that's coming your way. I'm so sorry your going through this, but you will grow sooooo much. At the end you'll be fine.   I would find a few close friend to talk to, someone you can trust that wont disclose your business not even with their spouses. Yes, talking to the bishop will help you get it out. Do not trust everyone! I would just find a therapist to talk to, and even people online.
 

3 hours ago, katiebigs said:

What happens now? I feel so lost and in a fog. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do we make it through this?

I think one of the worst parts about this is I feel so alone. I need help. 

I am so sorry. When my ex cheated I also remember feeling alone. I couldn't find anyone to trust. I wanted to die. But Sweetie, I promise things will get better. Talk to your bishop, create some healthy boundaries.  You will need to talk to someone that  can help you... perhaps a sister or parents... you might need some time alone away from him to think and ponder on the future.  I'm not recommending divorce, as it is the hardest thing you can do, but you do need to be 100% ok before you take upon whatever you decide to do, even helping him through the repentance process. But first... does he truly want to repent? does he really want to change? is he truly willing to go through whatever is coming his way?  Yes It would be beautiful if the 2 of you can go through this together, but don't put yourself 2nd. take care of yourself first. An empty cup has nothing to offer.

The most important and beautiful things I learned while going through my husband cheating, divorce, and all the heartache involved with that, was the beautiful and marvelous miracle of the atonement, how it can heal hearts and minds and our souls is just wonderful. 

 

Good luck.
 

Edited August 27, 2018 by Chilean

[Latter-Day Marriage]

14 hours ago, katiebigs said:

1. Is he going to be ex-communicated? This wasn't a pre-meditated thing and he was drunk. He is really scared, but wants to go through the repentance process. Is he going to have to leave the church? If he is ex-communicated, what is that like? What happens? How soon can he come back to church?

2. Who do I talk to for support? I don't want any of our family or friends to know because I'm so ashamed and I don't want any more hearts to break. But I feel so alone and I need help too. Do I talk to the bishop too? Who can I trust to talk about this?

3. What happens now? I feel so lost and in a fog. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. How do we make it through this?

I think one of the worst parts about this is I feel so alone. I need help. 

So sorry you are going through this.  It is a very good sign however that he willingly confessed to you without having to get caught first, and that he wants to make things right.

To answer your questions:

1) Don't know.  If he has received his endowment in the temple than this is a far more serious matter than if he didn't.  I think it is fair to expect that there will be a disciplinary counsel over this, where the issue will be examined.  That may result in excommunication, or something other than that.  They will follow the spirit.

Excommunication is not the end.  The purpose of excommunication is to give a person a chance to start over fresh, to help them.  They can still come to church, although they won't have callings and won't be called on to give prayers etc.  They can get the missionary discussions and under the guidance of your Bishop eventually be re-baptized and have any temple covenants restored.

Typically the only people who will even know a member has been excommunicated are those church leaders who need to know (with the obligation to not share the info) and anybody you tell.  I've sat in sacrament and heard the announcement of somebody's upcoming re-baptism never knowing they were excommunicated in the first place. You don't have have the re-baptism announced even if you don't want that.

I know a lady in my ward who had an affair.  Her husband wasn't so great, I suspect he was emotionally and verbally abusive to her but that doesn't excuse what she did.  They split up, he moved to another city and she was excommunicated but worked her way back and now has a calling in Primary.  While she went through a lot, she is stronger in the gospel and happier now then ever before.

Do the right thing and trust in God to make it work out in time.

2) First talk to your Bishop, he may be able to arrange marriage counseling and perhaps even authorize fast offerings to be used to pay for it in some cases.  At the very least he can likely recommend you to a counselor who shares LDS values.

3)  What happens now is that he works on repairing his relationship with God (repentance) and the two of you together work on repairing your relationship with each other.  Just as he has to go through a repentance process, you need to go through a forgiveness process (and it is a process). If you both play your cards right, you can come out of this together with a marriage that is stronger than it was before because you will both be better people than you were before.  The power of the atonement is not just for cleansing sin but also for healing the hurts caused by the sins of others. 

I have a 4 part series of posts on my blogs about overcoming big hurts like this that I think you both may find helpful.  Part 1 (Where to Start) is at
http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html

and each part has links to the next.  I hope it help.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Latter-Day Marriage

[Overwatch]

You are under no obligation to stay with this man. He promised to have relations only with his lawfully wedded wife. He promised this before God, Angels and the temple staff. Your choice if you want to work it out. The Lord will guide you and Father will answer your prayers. Keep praying and thinking things through.

[Guest MormonGator]

10 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

You are under no obligation to stay with this man. He promised to have relations only with his lawfully wedded wife. He promised this before God, Angels and the temple staff. Your choice if you want to work it out. The Lord will guide you and Father will answer your prayers. Keep praying and thinking things through.

One of the most heartbreaking moments of my life was when a woman in her 70's whose husband had an affair decades ago spoke at a church group. She said "I have long since forgiven my husband for what he did to me. I'll never forgive myself for breaking up my family."  

Divorce is hardly a casual, low key sort of thing that you forget about in an year. There are real consequences that can last a life time. 

[Overwatch]

1 minute ago, MormonGator said:

One of the most heartbreaking moments of my life was when a woman in her 70's whose husband had an affair decades ago spoke at a church group. She said "I have long since forgiven my husband for what he did to me. I'll never forgive myself for breaking up my family."  

Divorce is hardly a casual, low key sort of thing that you forget about in an year. There are real consequences that can last a life time. 

You are talking about one woman's experience. Also,  how casual of the husband to get wasted AND cheat on his wife. Gator you say a lot of good stuff but the other half I don't agree with at all. This is one of those times where I encourage the spouse to make their own prayerful decision. Adultery is an ultimate betrayal in marriage. 

[Guest MormonGator]

4 hours ago, Overwatch said:

 Gator you say a lot of good stuff but the other half I don't agree with at all. 

OK...So what? You don't have to agree with me.  You have every right to disagree, and I have every right to express my opinion (And you do yours), even if @Overwatch doesn't agree with it. 

4 hours ago, Overwatch said:

 Adultery is an ultimate betrayal in marriage. 

It is. And it's also forgivable. Other marriages have sustained that hit and carried on. So...

Edited August 28, 2018 by MormonGator

[Overwatch]

1 minute ago, MormonGator said:

You don't have to agree with me.  You have every right to disagree, and I have every right to express my opinion, even if @Overwatch doesn't agree with it. 

It is. And it's also forgivable. Other marriages have sustained that hit and carried on. So...

Forgiving someone doesn't mean staying with them so they can hurt you again. Some people are truly sick mentally and spiritually. 

You have the right to breathe out your opinions and I have the right to tell you I am not a fan of 50% of them. 

[Guest MormonGator]

Just now, Overwatch said:

You have the right to breathe out your opinions and I have the right to tell you I am not a fan of 50% of them. 

I'm truly sorry you aren't a fan of 50% of my opinions. I don't expect anyone to agree with me on anything, so I'm glad you agree with 50% of what I say. 

You may return that signed autographed picture I sent you. 

[Overwatch]

Just now, MormonGator said:

I'm truly sorry you aren't a fan of 50% of my opinions. I don't expect anyone to agree with me on anything, so I'm glad you agree with 50% of what I say. 

You may return that signed autographed picture I sent you. 

You don't need to apologize to me.

I also would suggest you not lie about sending me any sort of lewd material. I have not and would never ask you for a signed pic of any nature.

[Guest MormonGator]

5 hours ago, Overwatch said:

I also would suggest you not lie about sending me any sort of lewd material. I have not and would never ask you for a signed pic of any nature.

I charge money for the lewd pictures-the regular black and white headshots I give out for free. 

And I was obviously kidding. I would suggest you lighten up. 

Edited August 28, 2018 by MormonGator

[omegaseamaster75]

8 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I charge money for the lewd pictures-the regular black and white headshots I give out for free. 

Put me on the list for a lewd one

[Chilean]

52 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

1 hour ago, Overwatch said:

You are under no obligation to stay with this man. He promised to have relations only with his lawfully wedded wife. He promised this before God, Angels and the temple staff. Your choice if you want to work it out. The Lord will guide you and Father will answer your prayers. Keep praying and thinking things through.

One of the most heartbreaking moments of my life was when a woman in her 70's whose husband had an affair decades ago spoke at a church group. She said "I have long since forgiven my husband for what he did to me. I'll never forgive myself for breaking up my family."  

Divorce is hardly a casual, low key sort of thing that you forget about in an year. There are real consequences that can last a life time. 

I have also forgiven my ex husband, long time ago. I divorced him anyway of course before truly forgiven him I think.   BUT if I would have to choose all over again... I think... I'm 100% sure I would choose to divorce him again, because during that time I learned so much about myself, about the atonement, about single parenting, about friendship, about dating (I married him when I was 18 yo).  I just learned so much. and the experiences it gave me, going through his cheating and the divorce made me the person, the mom, the woman and the wife I am today. I learned to also be closer to the Lord, and how to help others going through the same experiences I went through, and I'm thankful I experienced those things so I can comfort those that need comfort.

I do not recommend divorce at all, because it will be one of the hardest things anyone can go through, but I cant lie and say you wont learn anything from it, because you WILL learn, and it will make you stronger.

I think the lady MormonGator is referencing never healed completely... because when I first read the comment I felt she hasn't forgiven herself for choosing to divorce the husband,  she didn't break their family,  HE DID when he decided to sleep with someone else. She still has some healing to do as she looks at the breakage of her family as being her fault.

Before my divorce I prayed and fasted many times, and went to the temple, the first couple of answers I got were: "Yes, but not yet". So I waited, and stayed until the answered changed.

It's a very VERY personal matter, between you and the Lord. And we cant judge others for staying or for leaving.

 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

5 hours ago, MormonGator said:

One of the most heartbreaking moments of my life was when a woman in her 70's whose husband had an affair decades ago spoke at a church group. She said "I have long since forgiven my husband for what he did to me. I'll never forgive myself for breaking up my family."  

Divorce is hardly a casual, low key sort of thing that you forget about in an year. There are real consequences that can last a life time. 

I'm with you. One marriage therapist (her name eacapes me at the moment) said her father, on his death bed spoke of regret for his divorce that had occurred so 30 yrs before. 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

5 hours ago, Overwatch said:

You don't need to apologize to me.

I also would suggest you not lie about sending me any sort of lewd material. I have not and would never ask you for a signed pic of any nature.

That was a joke. 

[zil]

21 minutes ago, LiterateParakeet said:

5 hours ago, Overwatch said:

You don't need to apologize to me.

I also would suggest you not lie about sending me any sort of lewd material. I have not and would never ask you for a signed pic of any nature.

That was a joke. 

Ooops.  Excuse me, I need to go cancel a print run.  Don't tell @MormonGator - he's always upset when someone cancels an order.

[Guest MormonGator]

2 minutes ago, zil said:

Ooops.  Excuse me, I need to go cancel a print run.  Don't tell @MormonGator - he's always upset when someone cancels an order.

We gotta pay the bills somehow. @zil and her whiskey distillery just ain't bringing home the money like it used to. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

8 hours ago, Overwatch said:

Adultery is an ultimate betrayal in marriage. 

A one time drunken mistake instantly regretted and willingly repented of should not be treated the same as somebody who deliberately and knowingly cheats on his wife repeatedly with no regret.  How many times did Israel betray God and go after false gods, yet He did  not cast them aside forever.

[Vort]

2 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

A one time drunken mistake instantly regretted and willingly repented of should not be treated the same as somebody who deliberately and knowingly cheats on his wife repeatedly with no regret.  How many times did Israel betray God and go after false gods, yet He did  not cast them aside forever.

Having never been drunk, I have often wondered at the way being drunk constitutes an exculpation of sorts. I don't get it. If a man gets drunk and kills someone in a car accident, it seems to me that he's more guilty of wrongdoing, not less. If you intentionally impair your judgment, you are asking for bad things to happen. How is it, then, that being drunk or high or otherwise impaired (by your own hand) is used to try to lessen responsibility?

I am not trying to condemn this man's drunken mistake. I just don't see why being drunk should somehow count in his favor.

[Guest MormonGator]

9 minutes ago, Vort said:

Having never been drunk, I have often wondered at the way being drunk constitutes an exculpation of sorts. I don't get it. If a man gets drunk and kills someone in a car accident, it seems to me that he's more guilty of wrongdoing, not less. If you intentionally impair your judgment, you are asking for bad things to happen. How is it, then, that being drunk or high or otherwise impaired (by your own hand) is used to try to lessen responsibility?

I am not trying to condemn this man's drunken mistake. I just don't see why being drunk should somehow count in his favor.

 Having been drunk several times in my life, I can tell you that when you are drinking it effects your judgement-it's easier to make bad decisions. You are more likely to do something you wouldn't do when you are sober. Does that justify bad behavior? Of course not. But I think that's why society views drunken decisions with less culpability then sober ones. To repeat myself (because I do not wish to be misunderstood)-I am not saying being drunk justifies bad behavior, but you do do things you normally wouldn't do when sober. 

Edited August 29, 2018 by MormonGator

[Just_A_Guy]

10 minutes ago, Vort said:

Having never been drunk, I have often wondered at the way being drunk constitutes an exculpation of sorts. I don't get it. If a man gets drunk and kills someone in a car accident, it seems to me that he's more guilty of wrongdoing, not less. If you intentionally impair your judgment, you are asking for bad things to happen. How is it, then, that being drunk or high or otherwise impaired (by your own hand) is used to try to lessen responsibility?

I am not trying to condemn this man's drunken mistake. I just don't see why being drunk should somehow count in his favor.

Yeah, there’s a whole pattern of questionable behavior here that underlies the actual act of adultery.  Why’s he going to bars?  Why’s he doing shots?  Why’s he spending recreational time with a woman who knows him, (presumably) knows his marital status and yet views him as a prospective sex partner?  If he has time for drinking, why doesn’t he have time for an after-school part-time job?

Church members who have never partaken of alcohol seem to treat inebriation as an instantaneous, unexpected and mysterious experience; and it’s natural to want to cut drunk people a break.  But I’m on the fence as to whether alcohol tends to obscure or reveal a person’s true nature; and being in the business of cleaning up the messes created by intoxicated people, I’m not inclined to be particularly charitable.

[Guest MormonGator]

15 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Church members who have never partaken of alcohol seem to treat inebriation as an instantaneous, unexpected and mysterious experience;

Church member or not, it's basically impossible to discuss how alcohol effects the body with any teetotaler. No, thats not an insult-but if I ask you what it's like to experience something you've never experienced and in some rare cases-don't know anyone who has experienced-how could you possibly understand it? Even slightly? 

[Overwatch]

55 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

A one time drunken mistake instantly regretted and willingly repented of should not be treated the same as somebody who deliberately and knowingly cheats on his wife repeatedly with no regret.  How many times did Israel betray God and go after false gods, yet He did  not cast them aside forever.

How did he even get plastered in the first place? Oh yeah, per the story, drinking beer which eventually led him to shots.