I am dead. I truly don't know what to do.

[RachelleDrew]

My husband hasn't been the same since he switched to a different mood stabilizer three months ago.

I tried to get him to go to a psychologist and look into something different. But he said he felt good on those meds and he didn't want to change. But he was acting funny. Doing risky things, saying stuff out of character for him. I was concerned. I tried talking with him in a non-confrontational manner and got no results.

I spoke with his parents and they agreed the medication wasn't working and that it was making him into a person they were concerned about.

A few weeks later our sex stopped. I did not do well with this change at all. I read books, I asked about counseling, I prayed and fasted. Nothing. He just said his drive was bad because of his new job.

A few days ago, our BP came to us and told us we were on our way to the temple to get sealed. He seemed so happy, and I was elated.

24 hours ago he admitted that he has been having an affair with another church member. For about the past two weeks. He says that he no longer loves me, and wants a divorce. He also does not want contact with our son. He just wants to walk out.

I begged him, and I reasoned with him. I told him he wasn't thinking straight. I promised him that if we just went to counseling and gave it 100% that we could fix it. I told him i would forgive him if he wanted to work it out.

2 hours ago he packed his stuff and moved into a friends house.

It's 7:35 and I hate god, I hate the church. I hate myself. I'm going to have to walk into sacrament tomorrow and see the two of them there. She's already told several of her friends that he's going to take her to the temple one day and marry her. He's been telling her that for the past two weeks. I read the letter he sent her. He wants to have a forever family with her and start all over again like my son and I don't exist.

How can this happen? Why would my sister in the church deprive me of a temple marriage and hurt a little boy who never did anything wrong?

Why do they get to be happy and I have to struggle just to breathe right now?

I'm never going to get a family forever. No guy in the church wants to marry a divorcee with a son. Nobody in the church wants to marry an ex-drug addict. No worthy man in the church is going to want me. I'm damaged goods now. Not only do I not have the man I love more than anything, but my son doesn't have a father and I don't think i'll ever be able to give him one.

I'm so alone.

Edited May 3, 2009 by RachelleDrew

[Palerider]

For whats it worth....they wil both be in a Church Council really soon.....it might take them a long time to have this sealed family they dream about.

I am really sorry you have to go thru this....I will keep you guys in my prayers....

[TheyCallMeMom]

I do not even know what to say.. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can only imagine your hurt..

My heart breaks for you and your son.. I do not think the temple is in their near future either..

[TeancumsSword]

This sucks...

You are not "damaged goods" and your past won't matter to any righteous man in the church. If it does the guy isn't worthy to marry you anyways.

He will not be taking this woman (if she even deserves the title) to the temple any time soon. He is an unrepentant adulterer, so whether he will ever take her is questionable. (Edit: He is obviously out of his mind if he thinks he just gets to hit the reset button)

Lift your head, walk tall, and have faith.

(Edit: There are few people I'd like to punch in the nose, this bum is one of them now)

Edited May 3, 2009 by TeancumsSword

[cofchristcousin]

I will hold you in my prayers. I hope you will do counseling, just for you. You are not the damaged goods you described. No Way. Stacie

[Vort]

I'm stunned. I don't know what to say. I am so sorry to hear this. My prayers are with you, Rachelle. Hang on and don't give up. Many people care about you and this situation.

I'm never going to get a family forever. No guy in the church wants to marry a divorcee with a son. Nobody in the church wants to marry an ex-drug addict. No worthy man in the church is going to want me. I'm damaged goods now.

These things are not so. It's much too early to worry about remarriage and such, but rest assured that any number of good, decent, honorable, worthy men would be only too happy to marry a loving and good woman with a wonderful son, regardless of past history.

Edited May 3, 2009 by Vort

[gigi]

Dear Rachelle,

Even if you are full of hate and betrayal for the moment I want you to know that God loves you. That doesn't mean that He makes everything work out the way you want....you know, that free agency thing. What it does mean is that, if you let Him, He will help you through this horrible time. I promise that if you put your trust in Him that you will not only get through this, but that you will find lasting happiness. Seriously. We can't control what others do, only what we think, say and do. Trust in the Lord, always, and know that many of us are praying for you.

Please, Rachelle, don't give up on the Lord! He won't give up on you . . . . ever.

[Kawazu]

Dear Rachelle,

Even if you are full of hate and betrayal for the moment I want you to know that God loves you. That doesn't mean that He makes everything work out the way you want....you know, that free agency thing. What it does mean is that, if you let Him, He will help you through this horrible time. I promise that if you put your trust in Him that you will not only get through this, but that you will find lasting happiness. Seriously. We can't control what others do, only what we think, say and do. Trust in the Lord, always, and know that many of us are praying for you.

Please, Rachelle, don't give up on the Lord! He won't give up on you . . . . ever.

Quoted for reiteration. Rachelle, I am sorry to hear of your struggle. Stay strong, to the extent that you can.

--Kawazu

Edited May 4, 2009 by Kawazu

[StallionMcBeastly]

I'm so sorry to read about your struggle. You're not damaged goods. I'll pray for you

[skippy740]

Rachelle,

I have no words of wisdom for you as I hope to never be in or cause a similar situation.

Take care of yourself... but more importantly take care of your son. Focus on HIM for a while and forget yourself for a while. I think you'll find some peace and reassurance by doing this.

If you have family close to you, you might want to stay with them for a while.

[Truegrits]

Rachelle, my heart goes out to you and your son. My prayers will be with you.

I have been where you are; you cannot give up on yourself. Remember that you are a beloved daughter of our Heavenly Father, and he loves you dearly. You are not "damaged goods". You have had experiences in life that have made you who you are. They cannot be changed...we learn and grow and progress from them. Stay strong, for you and your son; believe in yourself.

Love and prayers...Daune

[Elphaba]

My husband hasn't been the same since he switched to a different mood stabilizer three months ago.

I tried to get him to go to a psychologist and look into something different. But he said he felt good on those meds and he didn't want to change. But he was acting funny. Doing risky things, saying stuff out of character for him. I was concerned. I tried talking with him in a non-confrontational manner and got no results.

I spoke with his parents and they agreed the medication wasn't working and that it was making him into a person they were concerned about.

A few weeks later our sex stopped. I did not do well with this change at all. I read books, I asked about counseling, I prayed and fasted. Nothing. He just said his drive was bad because of his new job.

A few days ago, our BP came to us and told us we were on our way to the temple to get sealed. He seemed so happy, and I was elated.

24 hours ago he admitted that he has been having an affair with another church member. For about the past two weeks. He says that he no longer loves me, and wants a divorce. He also does not want contact with our son. He just wants to walk out.

I begged him, and I reasoned with him. I told him he wasn't thinking straight. I promised him that if we just went to counseling and gave it 100% that we could fix it. I told him i would forgive him if he wanted to work it out.

2 hours ago he packed his stuff and moved into a friends house.

It's 7:35 and I hate god, I hate the church. I hate myself. I'm going to have to walk into sacrament tomorrow and see the two of them there. She's already told several of her friends that he's going to take her to the temple one day and marry her. He's been telling her that for the past two weeks. I read the letter he sent her. He wants to have a forever family with her and start all over again like my son and I don't exist.

How can this happen? Why would my sister in the church deprive me of a temple marriage and hurt a little boy who never did anything wrong?

Why do they get to be happy and I have to struggle just to breathe right now?

I'm never going to get a family forever. No guy in the church wants to marry a divorcee with a son. Nobody in the church wants to marry an ex-drug addict. No worthy man in the church is going to want me. I'm damaged goods now. Not only do I not have the man I love more than anything, but my son doesn't have a father and I don't think i'll ever be able to give him one.

I'm so alone.

What in the world does anyone say to that? It's too much, too much loss, too much betrayal, too much agony.

When your spouse has an affair, it is worse than if s/he had died. Not only is he gone, he is gone on purpose. The rejection, and the resulting agony, which also manifests physically, is paralyzing. Your world no longer works, and you look around you and watch people who have mundane, ordinary lives, knowing you would give anything to have that same mundane life that you would have hated before the betrayal.

I think that is especially true of you Rachelle. You have a strong personality, and are determined not to be ordinary. I'm sure you think, in this moment, you'll never be "you" again. I agree, it IS a death.

That's all I can say, and I know it doesn't help anything at all. My heart breaks for you.

Elphaba

[prospectmom]

I'm never going to get a family forever. No guy in the church wants to marry a divorcee with a son. Nobody in the church wants to marry an ex-drug addict. No worthy man in the church is going to want me. I'm damaged goods now. Not only do I not have the man I love more than anything, but my son doesn't have a father and I don't think i'll ever be able to give him one.

I'm so alone.

__________________

Rach... I so know how you feel but I also know you will be ok...... stronger and smarter..... breath.... count..... pray..... breath.... most of all take care of yourself... you are the only one you can fix.. and you boy..... Get a blessing for comfort and guidence.... this helped me so much... but mostly know this will get better.. I wish I could take away your pain as I have also been in a similar situation... God will not let you down... peace... and prayers to you...

[NeuroTypical]

My wife saw this thread, and wanted to reply:

Take some time to grieve for the death of your marraige and the life you had. Being angry is normal when things are rocked so severely and for no good reason. Be angry, be upset, cry, whatever comes out (try not to scare your kid). Your emotions are valid, don't suppress them. The 'other woman' was not your sister in the church, the gospel doesn't take adultery lightly. As for going to church, find a friend's ward to attend if that will make things easier. Plan on taking him to court for child support, etc.. Planning out where you personally can and will go from here helps also. There are now avenues for you to look down, and they are not expected, but they can ultimately be a good thing. As for him not being in his right mind, that is HIS choice. Speaking as someone who takes quite a bit of meds to keep things in check, I rely on those I know care about me to tell me if something is out of whack. He has chosen to put the best things in his life behind him, and while you and your son suffer now, he will suffer for the loss down the road. The foundation of your world has been severely damaged, don't expect it to right itself anytime soon, however, you will come out on top, if not for you, then for your little boy. About being damaged goods, thats an understandable state of mind, however, your son is priceless, and while your husband doesn't want to see it, others will. Don't give up yet, you can make it work.

- LM's wife

[RachelleDrew]

I'm very embarrassed for several reasons.

First of all, on this board i have made my marriage seem like a cakewalk. To some extent, it truly has been. We don't argue, we always were able to be open and honest about everything. Until the past couple of months that is. However, I continued to pretend that it was perfect and it wasn't.

I've recently lost weight, and want to lose more. I thought that would help with our sex issue. However, it did not. I was so devastated. I was trying so hard, and he didn't even notice. That should have been the first sign. I did what most men would consider a sincere effort to correct a situation and he took no notice. Most guys would have appreciated it.

I am so thankful for all of you here, and for the prayers and emails and messages. You have no idea how happy it makes me feel and how much better I feel about my place in the church. I don't hate god, and I don't hate the church. I was quite angry and spoke without thinking.

One positive thing out of this is I realized how wonderful my inlaws are. They are 100% behind me, and are in fact a good portion of the reason why I was baptized into the church. My father in law, no, my second daddy, baptized me himself.

I'm sorry I cannot elaborate more, but i'm just not up to talking about it right now. Lol. I love you guys, thank you so much for your help. Especially Vort, and for his sake I hope this doesn't turn into an "i hate men" session".

[cyoung]

See above. Not damaged. Loved.

[pam]

The actions of one man doesn't constitute a "hate men" session. Rachelle..I have no words for you...but hang in there. Please don't hate God. Your husband had the agency to make his own choices. I'm sure Heavenly Father is crying over his choices. For him and for you and your son. He loves you.

[Jenamarie]

I don't really have any advice to offer. Just my most sincere sympathy and prayers for you and your son.

Also, you are not "damaged goods" and as others have said, other men will see that. Also, I thought I should mention that there are two sisters in my ward right now who's oldest sons are not the biological children of their husbands, but have both been adopted by their "step" dads (no longer step-dad's of course). There ARE men out there who will see what your son's father is closing his eyes to: that he is an incredible little boy who will bring joy to their lives.

[Wingnut]

Here it is, 12:45am, and I was just going to swing through a few forums before heading off to bed. I wasn't going to login or participate...I just wanted to read really quickly, since I hadn't been on here all day.

But I can't let this go.

Rachelle, I feel so sad for you. I wish I could give you a hug, even though we don't really know each other (even on here). I'm glad to read your second post, that you recognize that much of what you said was out of anger, and in the moment. You are such a strong woman, and though it has happened to many, I would hate to see you turn away from the Church because of this. You will make it through. It will take time, but you can do it. You sound like you have a good supportive network in real life, and you certainly have one here. Please let us help you.

And for the record, my brother-in-law married a divorcee with three kids. He was a divorcee himself, with one child of his own. They married civilly, and were sealed exactly 17 months later, once her previous sealing was finally cancelled.

[spiritseeker]

Rachelle I am so very sorry you were hurt like this. I too wish I could hug you and your son this night... You did nothing to be ashamed of your anger at first is totally understandable. But please always remember how very much Heavenly Father loves you and your son. His heart broke the night your husband did what he did and God will take care of your husband and his mistress! And, as for you being damaged goods.... you are anything but damaged. You are abeautiful kind woman though I have never met you in person from your post I can sense your loving spirit! And here is one single male who would have no qualms about marrying you and your son. There are plenty of good Mormon men out here. Anyone of us would be blessed to have a woman like you by our side!!!! Blessing to you my sister....:)

[Mahone]

That is not something I expected to read at all.

Having never been in that situation, the only thing I can really say is don't fall down into that deep pit of depression. It's so easy to do and so difficult to get out once you fall right down. Look after yourself, I don't know much about you at all but keep doing things that you would normally do on a day to day basis. If you have a job, keep going in to work as normal, to consider calling in sick one day due to feeling down is a mistake and will only make things worse. Keep laughing and smiling, regardless of what you feel on the inside. If others can be fooled into thinking there is nothing wrong, you'll eventually start to feel that way yourself.

Rather than pondering on what you don't have, think about the good things that you do have. I've seen this happen to so many people including my own parents and you can't help but admire those who carry on as normal even though you know how much they are hurting on the inside.

Keep yourself busy, get involved in things if you have any gaps to fill. Get a hobby if you need to. Keep people around you. You need to mourn for the loss of the husband he could have been, but don't let it get to excess.

[talisyn]

Awww RachelleDrew, I'm so sorry. It's times like this that show you just how close to homicide you can be. But before you reach for that cast-iron dutch oven or baseball bat remember how much your son needs you to stay out of prison.

I have family members on various mind-altering drugs and I can attest to how frustrating dealing with their psyches can be. But just think, in a few months more your husband will probably hit upon the right combo and go back to normal, and be completely devastated by what he did. Then you can either ease the knife into his guts nice and smooth, with a little up-twisty motion, or you can be Christ-like

You are a daughter of God, and He does not produced 'damaged goods'. You will be sealed to your child. You will have an eternal spouse. I cannot predict what circumstances will bring this about but if you stay temple-worthy these things will happen.

*gives you a cookie*

You will be ok. Your son will be too. With how wonderful you are you just will not be able to help yourself!

[blusun7]

im so sorry just remember god does not control people.

He may have told you husband to stop throught the holy spirit but in the end it is you husband fault not god

[Guest queries]

Just want to "ditto" what everyone else has said. My heart breaks for you.

I have two items. First, someone mentioned that dissolution of marriage is like death. You will go through stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes all at once, sometimes in huge massive crushing amounts. I say that so you'll recognize it when it hits.

Second, support will be critical. Your in-laws are behind you, that is GREAT. Any sisters/brothers? Close friends? You need to be able to talk and vent.

My prayers are with you today... love, Q

[DigitalShadow]

I can't imagine how tough your situation is right now, but I will say that any guy shallow enough to think of you as "damaged goods" because of your past, probably wouldn't make a very good husband anyway. I think if anything this would help filter out the unworthy candidates that wouldn't stick with you through thick and thin.