Pornography?

[texygirl]

So i put passwords on movies and shows and told him I think we should stop watching R-rated movies and that we need to change. I said I think it would be good for both of us. He didn't get upset, just kind of laughed.

Today I went to the store and he stayed home with the kids. When I got back, I was looking at my tablet and saw he was viewing some site called Stunning MLB Wives. There were 28 pictures and each page had women dressed in bikinis or showing some cleavage. Now I don't consider something like that porn but don't understand why he clicked through 28 pages to see each woman. I mean I never click on sites where men are shirtless, it seriously doesn't interest me at all.

The last time I caught him in a bedroom looking at pictures not too much different but what made it worse was he had been rejecting me for months. Now he is not really rejecting me anymore, things are starting to get back to normal since my baby has been born little by little. And I know he was not in a bedroom this time because he was watching the kids.

Should this time bother me?

[texygirl]

So i put passwords on movies and shows and told him I think we should stop watching R-rated movies and that we need to change. I said I think it would be good for both of us. He didn't get upset, just kind of laughed.

Today I went to the store and he stayed home with the kids. When I got back, I was looking at my tablet and saw he was viewing some site called Stunning MLB Wives. There were 28 pictures and each page had women dressed in bikinis or showing some cleavage. Now I don't consider something like that porn but don't understand why he clicked through 28 pages to see each woman. I mean I never click on sites where men are shirtless, it seriously doesn't interest me at all.

The last time I caught him in a bedroom looking at pictures not too much different but what made it worse was he had been rejecting me for months. Now he is not really rejecting me anymore, things are starting to get back to normal since my baby has been born little by little. And I know he was not in a bedroom this time because he was watching the kids.

Should this time bother me?

[texygirl]

So i put passwords on movies and shows and told him I think we should stop watching R-rated movies and that we need to change. I said I think it would be good for both of us. He didn't get upset, just kind of laughed.

Today I went to the store and he stayed home with the kids. When I got back, I was looking at my tablet and saw he was viewing some site called Stunning MLB Wives. There were 28 pictures and each page had women dressed in bikinis or showing some cleavage. Now I don't consider something like that porn but don't understand why he clicked through 28 pages to see each woman. I mean I never click on sites where men are shirtless, it seriously doesn't interest me at all.

The last time I caught him in a bedroom looking at pictures not too much different but what made it worse was he had been rejecting me for months. Now he is not really rejecting me anymore, things are starting to get back to normal since my baby has been born little by little. And I know he was not in a bedroom this time because he was watching the kids.

Should this time bother me?

[texygirl]

So i put passwords on movies and shows and told him I think we should stop watching R-rated movies and that we need to change. I said I think it would be good for both of us. He didn't get upset, just kind of laughed.

Today I went to the store and he stayed home with the kids. When I got back, I was looking at my tablet and saw he was viewing some site called Stunning MLB Wives. There were 28 pictures and each page had women dressed in bikinis or showing some cleavage. Now I don't consider something like that porn but don't understand why he clicked through 28 pages to see each woman. I mean I never click on sites where men are shirtless, it seriously doesn't interest me at all.

The last time I caught him in a bedroom looking at pictures not too much different but what made it worse was he had been rejecting me for months. Now he is not really rejecting me anymore, things are starting to get back to normal since my baby has been born little by little. And I know he was not in a bedroom this time because he was watching the kids.

Should this time bother me?

[Jane_Doe]

Should this time bother me?

 

Yes.

[estradling75]

.

Should this time bother me?

 

It is not a question of should it bother you...  It clearly does...  And that is totally understandable and expected...  The real question is how do you respond to this latest event?

 

Chances are if you respond in a manner that vents the emotions you are feeling it will go poorly.  This is a time to do your best to respond as Christ would.  To be firm that the sin is wrong and better is expected, but loving in the understanding that his is a child of God and your spouse and you want him to succeed, and that you will help where you can.

[texygirl]

It does bother me but I am so tired of feeling upset. I had been feeling really close to him the last couple days and it was nice. I actually felt like things were going good and getting better. I know alot of people would tell me it's normal for guys to look at women but I just don't understand it. He is the only person I love, the only one I want to be with or look at so maybe I am not those things for him.

[Jane_Doe]

It does bother me but I am so tired of feeling upset. I had been feeling really close to him the last couple days and it was nice. I actually felt like things were going good and getting better. I know alot of people would tell me it's normal for guys to look at women but I just don't understand it. He is the only person I love, the only one I want to be with or look at so maybe I am not those things for him.

 

1)  Addictions (or fascinations) don't get better over the course of a few days.  You're in for a long road here (likely years at least).

 

2)  What's "normal" for someone to do doesn't make it good.  It's also "normal" for people to do things like lie, bully each other, and die of obesity.

 

Forgive me if you said this earlier... but have you tried talking to your husband about this? 

[texygirl]

I haven't told him anything but he can tell something is bothering me. I just know if I mention it he will get upset and say that I am insecure again and turn it around on me. I don't want to start another argument. I am not the type to blow up but he is. It's hard to know what to do. We just got internet a few weeks ago and I am thinking about cancelling it. I don't want things like this to cause more problems in our marriage. He would probably gladly cancel because it would be one less bill. When I was pregnant internetwould work in some rooms of the house but it wasn't ours. We never knew whose it was. It wasn't blocked and we didn't use it much but a neighbor moved and we had lost all connection so I think it must have been theirs. We signed up mostly so we could watch netflix but I am starting to rethink the whole thing. Though I don't know if that would really help the problem. I just don't want to argue. Marriage is hard enough as it is without internet.

[zil]

Why not avoid the argument by discussing your desire to have the Spirit more in your life, and talking about goals you could set as a family to help you get there.  Said with pure love, and expressing a desire to be an eternal family can encourage unity and more spiritual progress without having to argue over specific sins or conflicts.

 

You could discuss possible things you could do together to increase the Spirit in your lives: regular church attendance and participation, family scripture study and prayer, family home evening, temple attendance, callings, visiting teaching (giving and receiving), home teaching (giving and receiving), etc.  Pick one or two things you think you could do as a family.  If he doesn't want to do any, then at least the discussion lets him know you want the Spirit in your home, and feel like it isn't there as strongly as you would like it.

 

Trying to do these things on your own can be hard, but even that can help him, over the long haul, unless he resists the influence...

[texygirl]

I really like that zil. We have alot of changing to do, like becoming more active. Since my baby has been born, we haven't gone much. She is almost 4 months old and she now has a cold. But we could also be doing so much better with family prayers and family home evenings. I think it would help tremendously. My kids are growing and need to see us being good examples. I need to make sure these arethings we work on everyday.

[yjacket]

1)  Addictions (or fascinations) don't get better over the course of a few days.  You're in for a long road here (likely years at least).

 

2)  What's "normal" for someone to do doesn't make it good.  It's also "normal" for people to do things like lie, bully each other, and die of obesity.

+1. Yeap, just because it's "normal" as in a large percentage do it doesn't mean it is good at all.

That's one of the reasons why we are here-to overcome our base instincts, the natural man and to become something more-to become like our Heavenly Father.

[yjacket]

We signed up mostly so we could watch netflix but I am starting to rethink the whole thing. Though I don't know if that would really help the problem. I just don't want to argue. Marriage is hard enough as it is without internet.

If you can do without the internet; do it!!! And yes it would help the problem a lot. Granted he could buy magazines (but that is much less likely and he could store the images-but both of those are extra steps that can inhibit someone from seeking it out).

If all you are using it for is netflix-I'd say toss it, but that it just my 2 cents. If you have a library nearby, you can read books or even get movies from the library vs. the internet.

[estradling75]

It does bother me but I am so tired of feeling upset. I had been feeling really close to him the last couple days and it was nice. I actually felt like things were going good and getting better. I know alot of people would tell me it's normal for guys to look at women but I just don't understand it. He is the only person I love, the only one I want to be with or look at so maybe I am not those things for him.

 

Lets break this down... Sex makes us feel good... This is by design... Even the build up to sex can be good, this can be true for both men and women.  However it appears that the stereotype of men being primary stimulated by visual and women by others things is alive and well with in your marriage.

 

Your sex drive is not stimulated by the picture shirt-less men, his is stimulated by revealing pictures of women.  This is a difference between you and your husband.  This is not a difference you need to understand so much as you simply need to acknowledge and accept that it is how it works for him (you don't need to accept that he is seeking out other women to look at there is a difference how it works for him and him working it outside the bonds of marriage)

 

Now you said you thought the last few days were better, however legions of stories are told about how two people can have drastically different understandings of the same events.  What indications do you have that these last two days have been better for your husband?  Chances are they have not been, chances are he been struggling to put up an appearance for you, rather then show where he really is.

 

Finally you still appear to be focused on the nearly naked women.  The nearly naked women are the easy, cheap, but ultimately fake answer (for both of you).  You both need to figure out what he is trying to feel better about and work on that.

[texygirl]

I told him about the pictures I saw and he said it's not a big deal because they weren't that bad. They were in bikinis and lingerie but not naked so I shouldn't be upset. I asked if he thought it would be ok for me to look at pictures of other guys and he said he wouldn't mind as long as they weren't naked. He called me insecure again. He said he couldn't believe I would be mad about it. He makes me feel like I am a crazy jealous person. I am tired of caring about it all.

[estradling75]

I told him about the pictures I saw and he said it's not a big deal because they weren't that bad. They were in bikinis and lingerie but not naked so I shouldn't be upset. I asked if he thought it would be ok for me to look at pictures of other guys and he said he wouldn't mind as long as they weren't naked. He called me insecure again. He said he couldn't believe I would be mad about it. He makes me feel like I am a crazy jealous person. I am tired of caring about it all.

 

Your husband is being selfish.  It sounds like your conversation was all about you. (how his actions made you feel) Thus your conversation was two people being selfish.  Your husband is not going to change without feeling the spirit and only the feeling the spirit will convert and heal him.  The spirit is not going to be present in a selfish conversation.  One of you needs to humble themselves enough to bring the spirit into these discussions.  Until then you will continue to be frustrated and he will continue to reject your feelings as attempt at emotional blackmail.

Edited December 27, 2015 by estradling75

[texygirl]

So how should I talk to him about it? How would you bring it up to him? I am probably not the best at communicating in our marriage. How do I go about talking in a way that doesn't sound selfish?

[estradling75]

So how should I talk to him about it? How would you bring it up to him? I am probably not the best at communicating in our marriage. How do I go about talking in a way that doesn't sound selfish?

 

 

The details will depend on knowledge about him and you that we (total strangers) can't really have.  In general... ask him what he thinks Christ's response would be (and is) to his actions.  Ask him if he thinks the actions draw him closer to Christ or push him away.  Ask if he thinks his actions make him a better Husband, Father, and Son?  Ask him if he thinks his actions are in keeping with the covenants he has made to the Lord.

 

Don't ask them in a loaded manner.  Ask them in a manner that shows you are greatly interested in his answers (because you should be).  This should help bring the spirit in and remind him of what should really be important.  It also shows that you are concerned about his eternal welfare and not just about how it makes you feel.

[JojoBag]

You've got a real problem on your hands. In reading through your posts, it's obvious that you've been taken in by the world. While you have not necessarily caused the problem, you've definitely contributed to it by what you “think” is normal when it comes to modesty. You've also contributed to the problem by not doing the things recommended by Church leaders to strengthen both your marriage and testimony. Things like attending church regularly, attending the temple, studying the scriptures, and praying.

 

I say you've been taken in by the world because you think there's nothing wrong with him looking at bikini shots and things like lingerie models. You couldn't be more wrong. It is pornography of a milder sort, but pornography nonetheless. The idea that “boys will be boys” and “men just look” are also satanic worldly concepts. It makes absolutely no difference if men's brains are different from women's, or any other psychological, pseudo-scientific mumbo jumbo. This does nothing more than give men a worldly justification for lusting, but is always wrong in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. Do you really think that the Savior would be sitting down with the guys and spending the weekend lusting over the latest Victoria's Secret catalog?

 

Another way you've been taken in is thinking that there's nothing wrong with R-rated movies. Here is the Church's take on those movies.

Again I say, leave it alone. Turn it off, walk away from it, burn it, erase it, or destroy it. I know it is hard counsel we give when we say movies that are R-rated, and many with PG-13 ratings, are produced by satanic influences. Our standards should not be dictated by the rating system. I repeat, because of what they really represent, these types of movies, music, and tapes serve the purposes of the author of all darkness.

Bishop H Burke Peterson

CR, Oct 1993, Pg. 60

 

 

This is pretty strong counsel. I know there are those who say that immodesty is all around us, so what can you do? This is nothing more than a pathetic cop out and justification for not using self-control. We are required to bridle our appetites and passions, and bring our spirit into subjection to God's will. No amount of immodesty, however small is OK, including how you dress. The one thing you can do is make your home a sanctuary from the world by not bringing that filth into your home.

 

You've definitely contributed to this problem by giving him permission to look at inappropriate material. I had a problem with porn for nearly five decades and my ex contributed to my problem by watching inappropriate movies right along with me. She would even point out characters to me. This created confusion and anger in me when it was pointed out to me that it was wrong and not normal. This is what your husband is going through. What he thought was OK is now not OK. Additionally he likes what he is doing and doesn't want to stop, which is probably the real reason he's angry.

 

You've got a long road ahead of you. You've made your bed and now you've got to sleep in it. Accept that right now. You may change, but the consequences of your choices will continue on for a long, long time, and will affect your children, and, more than likely, your grandchildren. Accept this also. If you want your marriage to succeed, you are going to have to develop a tremendous amount of patience and be very long suffering. He's going to fight you on this tooth and nail, because to him, his actions are “normal,” and you reinforced them. You will have to teach him that it isn't normal to lust after other women.

 

You need to learn what are true Gospel teachings and filter out all the worldly garbage you've picked up along the way. The scriptures talk about “inherited lies” (D&C 123:7, Jer 16:19) and Joseph Smith taught about false traditions accepted by the Latter-day Saints (HC 6:184-185). This is what has happened to you by allowing yourself to be deceived into thinking that immodesty is normal and acceptable. If you don't learn the genuine truth and discard your worldly traditions, you will pass them on to your children and condemn another generation to being deceived. Your children will also pay the price for your choices.

[priesthoodpower]

You've got a real problem on your hands. In reading through your posts, it's obvious that you've been taken in by the world. While you have not necessarily caused the problem, you've definitely contributed to it by what you “think” is normal when it comes to modesty. You've also contributed to the problem by not doing the things recommended by Church leaders to strengthen both your marriage and testimony. Things like attending church regularly, attending the temple, studying the scriptures, and praying.

 

Its not her burden to bare, she needs to hand it over to Jesus, her husbands sins can be paid for by our Savior, and our Savior does not give us only one chance at repentence he offers it to us every day and every sunday through the sacrament. She should be rejoicing knowing that fact.

 

I wouldnt tell her she has a problem rather I would say she has a new project. It might be years that her husband suffers from this addiction, it may never go away (hopefully it does and it can) but life is no fun if you are going to look at the glass half full. If she can learn to walk with him through this issue they can learn to get through it together, Our savior made it possible for this young couple to inherit the celestial kingdom even if it takes her husband 50 years to overcome his addictions.

 

Christmas was last week so dont forget the whole reason we celebrate it, The birth of our Savior! On the LDS.org website they are running a campaign "The Savior was born so I can...."

 

..have hope

..have joy

..forgive others

..repent of my sins

etc.. here is the video -

 

Its a daily struggle and the Savior knew this, that is why we go to church weekly because we constantly need to repent and work toward our goals. Everyone is at different levels of spirituality so dont condemn her for habits that you dont have. Lets give this young mother hope and encourage her to look at her husband and even her marriage relationship through the eyes of our Savior.

 

For the record I have been in her husbands shoes and continually battle with that same issue, it can be years that im clean and somehow someway I relapse. Pornography for me is a physical stimulant similar to why a pot user or drug addict takes that one hit, for a temporary high. It has nothing to do with my wifes looks or behavior. When she understood this she had more compassion and love for me in trying to understand my problem. Satan wants me to feel bad and give up on my eternal goals but it is because of the Savior that I can have hope through all the adversity. This is the message of hope that we need to be sharing with our brothers and sisters, yet for some reason in our LDS culture we focus more on the "doom-n-gloom", or, "you are not good enough."

[Latter-Day Marriage]

First of all, I too want to impress on you that his porn addiction is not your fault.  Even if there were issues that left him vulnerable to temptation, in the end the choice was his and his alone, and pornography can be powerfully addictive.  When a person has an addiction it drives them to seek to fulfill it even when they know it is self destructive, it has that much power over them.  The church has a really good series of videos about addiction and recovery that you may want to check out.  The first one is at

Second, his hostile reaction is a combination of the fact that he already knows he is in the wrong, and your actions are a bit on the bossy side.  Making rules for him and pushing him to do things your way is not going to work.  He is feeling guilt and shame and one of his fears is losing your love and respect.  When you try to push him around you are partly making that fear come true in his eyes.  He needs you to reach out with compassion for his weakness, he needs gentle persuasion, long-suffering, meekness, and love unfeigned.  Not rules and condemnation and anger.  I know it's hard when you feel personally hurt by his actions.  When you realize it is not about you personally it will be easier.  Be his team mate, not his opposition.

 

At this point he is not willing to admit he has a problem, and that is the first step he has to take.  You can't beat a confession out of him or twist his arm to get it though.  You can tell him how you feel without accusing him and plead with him in a loving way to do what he knows is right.  Ask what you can do to help him, make sure he knows that you love him no matter what he does.  Make him feel safe admitting his problem to you.  If he fears admitting it will destroy his relationship with you, he has a pretty big motive to not admit it.

[JojoBag]

Its not her burden to bare, she needs to hand it over to Jesus, her husbands sins can be paid for by our Savior, and our Savior does not give us only one chance at repentence he offers it to us every day and every sunday through the sacrament. She should be rejoicing knowing that fact.

 

This is where you are wrong.  She will pay the consequences of his actions as will her children for years to come.  She will suffer anguish, frustration, doubt, lack of trust, etc.  All the arguments they will get into over this will affect her children and shape their lives.  He will pass on his attitude to his children if she cannot counter it.  She will always think she isn't good enough for her husband and every other woman will be her enemy because he will always be looking at those other women.  That is the burden her husband placed on her that she must deal with.  I saw what my addiction did to my wife and it is the same for every other woman I've read about.

[omegaseamaster75]

So how should I talk to him about it? How would you bring it up to him? I am probably not the best at communicating in our marriage. How do I go about talking in a way that doesn't sound selfish?

You need to see a MFT, no internet commando can help you with this problem. If your husband loves you and respects you he will stop these behaviors, BUT it needs to be communicated to him in a way that he can understand how much it hurts you. WITHOUT him feeling like summary judgement is being passed on him.

 

You can't fix him, he has to want to fix himself. One last thing, think really hard about where you want to plant your flag and make your last stand.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

This is where you are wrong. She will pay the consequences of his actions as will her children for years to come. She will suffer anguish, frustration, doubt, lack of trust, etc. All the arguments they will get into over this will affect her children and shape their lives. He will pass on his attitude to his children if she cannot counter it. She will always think she isn't good enough for her husband and every other woman will be her enemy because he will always be looking at those other women. That is the burden her husband placed on her that she must deal with. I saw what my addiction did to my wife and it is the same for every other woman I've read about.

I'm confused by your response here. I'm not doubting what you said, but that you said it as some sort of proof that PriesthoodPower was wrong.

Don't you see that everything you said makes his answer more correct? Or to put it more directly the Savior is THE answer to all those issues you just outlined.

Christ is the answer. Of course, I think marriage counseling is essential as well, but Christ is the answer.

[yjacket]

I'm confused by your response here. I'm not doubting what you said, but that you said it as some sort of proof that PriesthoodPower was wrong.

I took PP to mean that she is not the one who bares the burden of change or of the sin.  No man is an island, so the effects of his sin will be felt to her and her family. She can't carry his burden for him. Putting password protection on the internet, monitoring, etc. is putting the burden of the sin on her and that isn't right. He is the one who needs to self-monitor.

 

She'll feel the effects of it and for that she will need the Savior. She will need to be the best wife, she can be-loving, patient, forgiving, etc. and for that she will need the Savior. He will need to change and for that he will need the Savior.