Wife putting me in a tough spot with my mom

[mormondad]

My wife was hurt by a comment my mom made. The thing is, I was in the room and didn't think anything of it. We interpreted it completely differently. It was a neutral comment. Even if I wanted to convince myself that there was an intent to criticize, it still wouldn't make much contextual sense. And that's just not my mom. My wife has always had a tendency to assume the worst in things that are said.

Anyway my wife said she realized that it's always been "like this", and that she doesn't want to go to my family functions anymore (she says she still will for our kids' sakes).

Here's the tough spot: By apologizing and saying I'm really sorry they said that, I'm basically agreeing with her that my mom has this passive aggressive mean streak. But by defending my mom, I'm totally invalidating my wife's feelings. And in her view, it's either or. I have to take one of those sides. I'm either "with" her and against my parents, or with my parents and against her. I don't think either of those is right. It is really hard for me that she believes my parents would intentionally hurt their daughter-in-law.

She's generally rational with most things, but I'm really scratching my head on how to reconcile this one. Am I over thinking this? I'm curious what other daughters in law have to say. Would you put your husband in that position?

 

[Guest]

I am not a daughter in law.  However, I am a husband.

Frankly, I always take my wife's side, even against my parents.  Why?  Because my relationship with my wife is the most important relationship I have.

Thoughtful parents should expect you to always take your wife's side, even when the wife is wrong.  They would see the bigger picture, that they would never want to come between the eternal relationship between husband and wife, that there are bigger things at stake than who is wrong or the parent's feelings being hurt.

You can talk with your wife and try to come up with some solution or understanding, but frankly, at the end of the day, you need to take your wife's side.

Edited August 22, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Jane_Doe]

You need to try really hard to understand your wife and be sympathetic to her hurts (even if you disagree with them).  Learn to understand her perspective and love her all the more (even if she's being irrational). 

If it's not something that can be resolved through clarifying communication, try to address it other ways.  For example, if this always comes up around a certain subject, avoid the subject.

[Vort]

56 minutes ago, mormondad said:

Am I over thinking this? I'm curious what other daughters in law have to say. Would you put your husband in that position?

I'm another husband-not-daughter-in-law. If I knew my wife were misunderstanding my mother, I would not reflexively "take her side". I would privately explain to her that she had misinterpreted what Mom said. If my wife chose to cut herself off from my family, I would explain to her -- very clearly -- that her decision would have long-term negative ramifications for our family, including our children and our marriage. But in the end, she gets to make that call.

Not saying my reaction would be the best, but honestly, how do you react better? Agree with your wife when she's clearly wrong? That appears to be DoctorLemon's solution, and maybe it works for him. But I don't get it.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

You need to validate your wife's feelings. That doesn't mean you have to say your mom is passive aggressive. You just need to let your wife know she is heard.

DoctorLemon's comment reminded me of a time this happened with me son and daughter in law. My son told me of what I had done that upset my DIL, and how he validated her feelings  "Sorry, Mom" he said.  Then he suggested I not bring up that topic again for awhile. Even though I had more I wanted to say to her about that, I respected his request. And I respected his choice to put his wife first. That is what he should do. Yes, I had to swallow my pride a little, but I survived. Lol.

I didn't bring up the topic again and things ended up going the way I had hoped. So win/win.

Even though you don't understand why thst comment bothered your wife, the best way to help her, and help her possibly be less sensitive in the future is to validate her feelings now. This is also the best wsy to help her relationship with your mom. Just say, "I'm sorry about the hurtful thing my mom said. I understand why you would want to avoid family get togethers in the future. Thanks for chosing to go anyway."  

She will feel more secure and willing to go to family things in the future knowing you have her back. 

Even in situations where advice might be helpful, people are much more receptive to advice when their feelings have been validated and they feel heard. 

Edited August 22, 2017 by LiterateParakeet

[Guest]

When it comes to how women react to perceived insults, you need to ask a woman.

Find a woman whom you know and trust very well.  If she's a friend of your wife's then all the better.  Relay the account as best you can.  Allow her to ask clarifying questions.  Try to give as much detail as possible without making characterizations of what you saw.  Just the facts.

Get her opinion on what actually happened and what her reaction would have been.  Then ask her what to do about your wife or mother.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

@anatess2 I'm curious what you think. I think I know what you will say, and I agree but I might be wrong.

[Suzie]

I don't think taking sides in this particular scenario is even necessary. You can perfectly validate your wife's feelings without having to agree with her. Often times, people take offense and they are hurt for the smallest things, but it doesn't mean they are not affected by it. Sometimes what it does not offend you, it might offend someone else. So we always need to see it through the other person's perspective. After all, we are all different.

Since you didn't tell us what was the misunderstanding about, my input is limited. However, do you have the kind of relationship with your wife where you can both sit down, talk and find out what exactly went wrong? Is she expecting you to talk with your mom?

[Vort]

I have never understood very well the concept of "validating feelings". What if the feelings are invalid? If my mother-in-law tells me that my hair looks nice and I take that as a mortal insult, I am wrong. Period. My feelings are not valid. They are stupid. My wife might acknowledge that, yes, I do in fact feel the way I feel. But for her to "validate" my feelings in such a situation? Sheer lunacy. Her duty is to day, "Sweetheart, you are taking offense where none was intended, and in fact where none was even given." If she says, "Oh, you poor dear, having to put up with such nasty insults!", she is doing me a disservice, not to mention her mother.

It seems to me that truth trumps "validation", especially in cases where the person seeking "validation" is acting irrationally. I'm happy to consider reasonable opposing views.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

For some reason this comes to mind.

[my two cents]

2 hours ago, mormondad said:

My wife was hurt by a comment my mom made. The thing is, I was in the room and didn't think anything of it. We interpreted it completely differently. It was a neutral comment. Even if I wanted to convince myself that there was an intent to criticize, it still wouldn't make much contextual sense. And that's just not my mom. My wife has always had a tendency to assume the worst in things that are said.

Anyway my wife said she realized that it's always been "like this", and that she doesn't want to go to my family functions anymore (she says she still will for our kids' sakes).

Here's the tough spot: By apologizing and saying I'm really sorry they said that, I'm basically agreeing with her that my mom has this passive aggressive mean streak. But by defending my mom, I'm totally invalidating my wife's feelings. And in her view, it's either or. I have to take one of those sides. I'm either "with" her and against my parents, or with my parents and against her. I don't think either of those is right. It is really hard for me that she believes my parents would intentionally hurt their daughter-in-law.

She's generally rational with most things, but I'm really scratching my head on how to reconcile this one. Am I over thinking this? I'm curious what other daughters in law have to say. Would you put your husband in that position?

 

The bolded part (per me) suggests this kind of thing has been going on a while and that she hasn't yet felt sufficiently heard so now it's at the point of not wanting to attend family things any more. If she's only like this in regards to your mom, there may be some hurt that she hasn't even told you about.  If that's the case, get to the root of it and deal with that so this can hopefully stop.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

23 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

For some reason this comes to mind.

Lol, yes if you want to annoy your wife, try to give her advice BEFORE validating her feelings i.e. letting her feel heard. I see that in this video. He's trying to give her advice, but she isn't ready to hear it because she doesn't believe that he really understands what she is trying to say. 

[Grunt]

I don't get involved in ANY female arguments regardless who they're between.  Nothing good comes of it.

[Bad Karma]

Another husband here. 

I take my wife's side 100% of the time, and there is good reason for it too. My Mom is often a bully. Homey don't play that game, not with my wife. Zero tolerance. 

[Bad Karma]

1 hour ago, Grunt said:

I don't get involved in ANY female arguments regardless who they're between.  Nothing good comes of it.

You're going to get called to the mat by the wife eventually for that very reason. 

[Bad Karma]

2 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

Lol, yes if you want to annoy your wife, try to give her advice BEFORE validating her feelings i.e. letting her feel heard. I see that in this video. He's trying to give her advice, but she isn't ready to hear it because she doesn't believe that he really understands what she is trying to say. 

I don't give Mrs. Karma advice anymore, I just listen. I get in trouble when I try to give advice.. To he double hockey sticks with that shinola. 

[Grunt]

11 minutes ago, Bad Karma said:

You're going to get called to the mat by the wife eventually for that very reason. 

Nope.  I listen.  Offer advice when asked.  Don't get involved.  "Rules for dating Grunt" were handed out on the first date.  They haven't changed.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Grunt

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Grunt said:

I don't get involved in ANY female arguments regardless who they're between.  Nothing good comes of it.

Smart man. In my single days I learned never to get involved in an argument between a girl and her mother. I've expanded it since. 

[Backroads]

5 hours ago, mormondad said:

My wife was hurt by a comment my mom made. The thing is, I was in the room and didn't think anything of it. We interpreted it completely differently. It was a neutral comment. Even if I wanted to convince myself that there was an intent to criticize, it still wouldn't make much contextual sense. And that's just not my mom. My wife has always had a tendency to assume the worst in things that are said.

Anyway my wife said she realized that it's always been "like this", and that she doesn't want to go to my family functions anymore (she says she still will for our kids' sakes).

Here's the tough spot: By apologizing and saying I'm really sorry they said that, I'm basically agreeing with her that my mom has this passive aggressive mean streak. But by defending my mom, I'm totally invalidating my wife's feelings. And in her view, it's either or. I have to take one of those sides. I'm either "with" her and against my parents, or with my parents and against her. I don't think either of those is right. It is really hard for me that she believes my parents would intentionally hurt their daughter-in-law.

She's generally rational with most things, but I'm really scratching my head on how to reconcile this one. Am I over thinking this? I'm curious what other daughters in law have to say. Would you put your husband in that position?

 

I like to think I'd never have to put my husband in this position. I'm currently beloved by my in-laws as I am compared to Husband's ex-wife, who apparently rude to the whole family.

I also try to assume people are having a bad day unless it's a repeat thing.

But... yeah, I'd expect my husband to back me up. I've backed him up before.

[Guest]

I really like my policy of taking my wife's side unconditionally.  I should probably qualify that - I will take my wife's side unconditionally, as long as she is not sinning.  

It prevents outside meddling and puts up some clear borders for others in my extended family not to cross.  

Everyone in my family and my wife's family knows the rules and has known the rules for years, and it helps keep relationships good all around.

I think one of the biggest problems we see with today's young people is too many of them have not fully cut the umbilical cord, despite being in their 30s.  I have seen many of my friends let their parents meddle in their marriages, and these friends often side with parents in a dispute with the wife.  Regardless of who is "right" and "wrong", I have seen it cause damage to the trust between husband and wife, and lead to lots of resentment over time.  One of my friends has been on the brink of divorce, largely due to this issue.  Frankly, this friend's mother has all but ruined the relationship with her meddling, and my friend has refused to stand up to his mother and take his wife's side.

I personally think maintaining the integrity of the husband/wife relationship is far more important than standing up for a parent who might be slightly more "right" in some trivial quarrel.  

What I do - it may or may not be right for OP, but it sure has worked well for me and my family.

Edited August 23, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[seashmore]

3 hours ago, Grunt said:

I don't get involved in ANY female arguments regardless who they're between.  Nothing good comes of it.

Same. And I'm a woman. 

If I were married and if my hypothetical mother-in-law made a comment that hurt me, I'd make a conscious decision to not involve my husband in that. I'd find a neutral third party to vent to, and then probably get over it. If it were a big deal, or a repetitive thing, I might try addressing the issue with my MIL, praying for a calm mind before I speak to her. If she were a combative personality, I might avoid in person contact and send an email. I would still attend family functions and put on my best happy face so as not to bring tension with me.

[Guest]

Oh yeah, another thing - diplomacy is key.

I have had talks with my mother where I am taking my wife's side, but due to my diplomacy skills and gentleness in speech, she doesn't even know I am not taking her side!  

It can be very useful to gently mediate in some situations between your mom and wife.  My rule for myself is, try to be kind, but at the end of the day, to make sure my interests align with my wife's and not my mother's, if no reconciliation can be made.

Edited August 23, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[clbent04]

6 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

I am not a daughter in law.  However, I am a husband.

Frankly, I always take my wife's side, even against my parents.  Why?  Because my relationship with my wife is the most important relationship I have.

Definitely take your wife's side.  She's the outsider in that equation of you, her, and your parents.  Much easier to bridge the road starting with your parents who you have understanding and history with, than it is to ask your wife to bridge the road by herself

Edited August 23, 2017 by clbent04

[Backroads]

1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

I think one of the biggest problems we see with today's young people is too many of them have not fully cut the umbilical cord, despite being in their 30s.  I have seen many of my friends let their parents meddle in their marriages, and these friends often side with parents in a dispute with the wife.  Regardless of who is "right" and "wrong", I have seen it cause damage to the trust between husband and wife, and lead to lots of resentment over time.

I sometimes wonder if part of it is some generational quirk on the part of the parents. My mom tries to meddle--has actually stated its her duty, and I know she is far from being alone in her age group. 

[clbent04]

3 hours ago, Grunt said:

I don't get involved in ANY female arguments regardless who they're between.  Nothing good comes of it.

Says the guy who started the obesity discussion