JKing

Would you let your son's girlfriend stay over at your house?

Recommended Posts

Hi, I have asked a question on here once before probably about a year ago now. My husband and I have 5 children together, he is a Mormon and I am a baptist, although I very rarely if ever attend church. About 18 months ago my oldest son told us that he didn't want to go to church anymore. For the last 3 weeks my son has been having his girlfriend stay over and even though he didn't ask my permission I let it go because he is an adult. However, I did tell him that when his dad gets back from his business trip he will have to clear it with him. This past week my husband has been home and they have fought constantly about his girlfriend staying over. My son thinks he can do what he wants now he is an adult and my husband thinks that if our son is living in our house he has to follow my husbands rules. I don't like the idea of enforcing our rules on our son now he is an adult even if he does still live with us and I know if my husband keeps being strict towards him, our son will move out. Really, I don't understand my husband's issue with it. Would you have a problem with it and would you enforce rules on your adult children if they still lived with you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your house, your rules.

If he wants to play the "I'm an adult now" card, then he can show you that by being an adult: start by getting his own place and paying his own bills.  

25 minutes ago, JKing said:

 I know if my husband keeps being strict towards him, our son will move out. 

And that's completely ok.  

25 minutes ago, JKing said:

Really, I don't understand my husband's issue with it.  

Warning I'm VERY going to be blunt here--

Your son is committing a GRAVE sin.  He is taking the scared powers God gave him -- the powers to create life itself and to bond a married couple -- and bastardizing it.  Throwing that sacred gift in the mud and treating it as if it was a nothing more than a child's play thing.  It is a HUGE disgrace to God, His gift, your son, and the girl involved.  And you, the parents, are endorsing it by allowing you to commit such acts under your roof with you paying the bills, etc.  

25 minutes ago, JKing said:

Would you have a problem with it and would you enforce rules on your adult children if they still lived with you?

In my house, we respect God and His gifts.  You don't need to believe as I do (my husband is actually an Evangelical and I have atheists over all the time), but we're going to respect God.  I don't care what age you are: we're going to respect God in this house.  

You want your own rules?  Get your own house.

Edited by Jane_Doe

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome back JKing.   I agree with your husband and Jane_Doe.   You might think of it this way...when you rent a house or an apartment (or an AirBNB) if the landlord/owner says no pets, then no pets.  His property, his rules.  It's the same for your house.  It's you and your husband pay the mortgage, so your rules apply.  

I understand your desire not to have your son move out because of anger, but hopefully as the mom you can be the mediator here.  Beware that being a mediator can be difficult,  the goal is to be completely neutral, and help them see each other's point of view and come to some sort of compromise.   But being in the "middle of the road" like that leaves you open to being run over by both sides, but it is your best bet of keeping them from building up hard feelings that could take years to overcome.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, LiterateParakeet said:

You might think of it this way...when you rent a house or an apartment (or an AirBNB) if the landlord/owner says no pets, then no pets.  His property, his rules.  It's the same for your house.  It's you and your husband pay the mortgage, so your rules apply.  

That's a great way of putting it.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, JKing said:

For the last 3 weeks my son has been having his girlfriend stay over and even though he didn't ask my permission I let it go because he is an adult. 
...
 I don't like the idea of enforcing our rules on our son now he is an adult even if he does still live with us

1. Your son is a dependent child.  He doesn't get to be an adult until he's paying his own way in life.  

2. Another things adults do, is have rules and enforce them...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, JKing said:

For the last 3 weeks my son has been having his girlfriend stay over and even though he didn't ask my permission I let it go because he is an adult. ..Would you have a problem with it and would you enforce rules on your adult children if they still lived with you?

Yes and no. For me, this is a no-brainer. No fornication in my house. Period. No exceptions.

Edited by Vort

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to join the chorus on this one. From a practical standpoint - If he can't afford to live on his own, he can't afford to raise a child. If he can't afford to raise a child, no relations under my roof or anywhere else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Your son is committing a GRAVE sin.  He is taking the scared powers God gave him -- the powers to create life itself and to bond a married couple -- and bastardizing it.  Throwing that sacred gift in the mud and treating it as if it was a nothing more than a child's play thing.  It is a HUGE disgrace to God, His gift, your son, and the girl involved.  And you, the parents, are endorsing it by allowing you to commit such acts under your roof with you paying the bills, etc.  

10 hours ago, JKing said:

I agree with you. I would prefer it if my son wasn't sinning, I am not happy with his choices. However, I respect my son's decision to not be religious and therefore I can't expect him to live by those standards. He has to make his own decisions now and work out what he believes to be acceptable. He is going to fornicate then I don't care where he does it and I don't want him staying away from home all the time. He knows my husband and I don't approve, he is under no illusion that we endorse his decisions. 

 

11 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

In my house, we respect God and His gifts.  You don't need to believe as I do (my husband is actually an Evangelical and I have atheists over all the time), but we're going to respect God.  I don't care what age you are: we're going to respect God in this house.  

 

That is a nice principle but impossible to enforce with adult children. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

1. Your son is a dependent child.  He doesn't get to be an adult until he's paying his own way in life.  

 

He is an adult now, we have enforced our rules on him for 18 years and now he has to make his own rules for his life 

 

9 hours ago, Vort said:

No and no. For me, this is a no-brainer. No fornication in my house. Period. No exceptions.

I suppose that is the big difference I don't look at the family home as my house or my husband's house. It is a family home and everyone has the prerogative to express themselves and feel accepted for their decisions. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

 It's you and your husband pay the mortgage, so your rules apply.  

I don't view it that way. It is as much our Children's homes as it is ours. General family rules on tidiness, hygiene and safety apply so that the house can function. However, the beliefs on moral issues shouldn't be enforced. 

 

11 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

I understand your desire not to have your son move out because of anger, but hopefully as the mom you can be the mediator here.  Beware that being a mediator can be difficult,  the goal is to be completely neutral, and help them see each other's point of view and come to some sort of compromise.   But being in the "middle of the road" like that leaves you open to being run over by both sides, but it is your best bet of keeping them from building up hard feelings that could take years to overcome.  

I have been stuck in the middle of my husband and my son for the past 8 years. I know this time if my husband pushes our son to far then our son will move out, when he isn't ready to live on his own.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

I'm going to join the chorus on this one. From a practical standpoint - If he can't afford to live on his own, he can't afford to raise a child. If he can't afford to raise a child, no relations under my roof or anywhere else.

How is that enforceable with an adult? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, JKing said:

How is that enforceable with an adult? 

Your husband and yourself sit down with son and explain your position. If son does not agree, he is welcome to move out. If he says, he will move out, offer to help him find a new place. How about holding family prayers? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JKing said:

He is an adult now, we have enforced our rules on him for 18 years and now he has to make his own rules for his life 

Age is just an arbitrary number used by the legal system to make parents legally accountable.  It doesn't mean much outside of that legal construct.

2 hours ago, JKing said:

I know this time if my husband pushes our son to far then our son will move out, when he isn't ready to live on his own.  

That tells you he is not yet an adult.  He can;t even support himself, how much more for a girlfriend?  And if she ever gets pregnant, that child will be a VICTIM of their immaturity and you are culpable because you allowed it in your home.

But the problem here is not your son.  The problem here is you and your husband's differing moral codes.  You need to straighten that out even if, at this point, it has almost become too late for your children to benefit from it, and may have already caused damage.  Hopefully, this doesn't blossom into something irreparable.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JKing said:

I suppose that is the big difference I don't look at the family home as my house or my husband's house. It is a family home and everyone has the prerogative to express themselves and feel accepted for their decisions.

You asked for input, and you got it. Of course, you are free to view the situation however you choose. But it's worth reflecting on the unanimity of response.

Imagine if God said, "Well, you know, heaven is not just mine. It's for my children. It's the family home. Therefore, anyone can come in no matter how filthy he is or what he does." Would that still be heaven? Or would it be pretty much the world as it is now? The situation is not exactly the same, but it's similar.

Can your son smoke pot in your house? Can he shoot up heroin? Run a prostitution ring out of your bedroom? Cook meth? Can your son bring home young children to molest and butcher? Where does the "family home" concept end? At what point do you put your foot down and say, "No, this is pollution, and you can't bring that pollution into my home, even if you are my son"?

Assuming there is some point at which you finally balk and say, "No more!", how is that fundamentally different from telling your son, "No fornication here"? I suggest that it is not different, at least not in principle. We should live by righteous principles.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JKing said:

I don't view it that way. It is as much our Children's homes as it is ours. General family rules on tidiness, hygiene and safety apply so that the house can function. However, the beliefs on moral issues shouldn't be enforced. 

 

I have been stuck in the middle of my husband and my son for the past 8 years. I know this time if my husband pushes our son to far then our son will move out, when he isn't ready to live on his own.  

This may be, but I feel like you came here asking for help to understand where your husband is coming from...we're giving that to you.  Now, what you do with that is up to you.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JKing said:

I know this time if my husband pushes our son to far then our son will move out, when he isn't ready to live on his own.

Hallelujah! Finally, the young man can start taking responsibility for himself!

What your husband is attempting to do is called "parenting". It's the right call. What you are doing to your son, in all love and sincerity toward him as a caring mother, is called "enabling".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JKing said:

How is that enforceable with an adult? 

"Sonny, we do not allow fornication in our home. You are welcome here as long as you abide the basic rules of our household, including the one about no fornication. If you insist on fornicating with Jane, you will need to move into your own place. That is not acceptable here."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Vort said:

"Sonny, we do not allow fornication in our home. You are welcome here as long as you abide the basic rules of our household, including the one about no fornication. If you insist on fornicating with Jane, you will need to move into your own place. That is not acceptable here." 

And use the word "fornicate" (in its various forms)!  That's the word he needs to hear.  He's not "making love".  He's not "having sex".  He's not "sleeping with".  He's fornicating.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Vort said:

"Sonny, we do not allow fornication in our home. You are welcome here as long as you abide the basic rules of our household, including the one about no fornication. If you insist on fornicating with Jane, you will need to move into your own place. That is not acceptable here."

 "Sorry, this house is not a food pantry.  We don't support other people's children here."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JKing said:

I have been stuck in the middle of my husband and my son for the past 8 years. I know this time if my husband pushes our son to far then our son will move out, when he isn't ready to live on his own.  

Kids have their own unique personalities, to be sure; but in general people also respond in more-or-less predictable ways to a given set of circumstances.

You have, over your husband’s objections, created a set of conditions over the last eight years that unfortunately have resulted in your son’s becoming something of a man-child—and an oversexed man-child, to boot.  And now, confronted with the reality of what you’ve created, you’re doubling down on the old dysfunctional attitudes and emotionally kicking your husband to the curb yet again.  

It takes a heck of a guy to stay with a woman who does that; and I hope you appreciate his meekness.  I don’t think I’d be so patient.  Men don’t appreciate being castrated in their own homes.

Edited by Just_A_Guy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, JKing said:

Would you have a problem with it and would you enforce rules on your adult children if they still lived with you?

So, JKing, are you hearing our answers?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, JKing said:

I agree with you. I would prefer it if my son wasn't sinning, I am not happy with his choices. However, I respect my son's decision to not be religious and therefore I can't expect him to live by those standards. He has to make his own decisions now and work out what he believes to be acceptable. He is going to fornicate then I don't care where he does it and I don't want him staying away from home all the time. He knows my husband and I don't approve, he is under no illusion that we endorse his decisions. 

 

That is a nice principle but impossible to enforce with adult children. 

We need to clarify a few things here:

- Age doesn't make a person an adult.  And because your son cannot yet support himself, he is still a child, not an adult.

-No where in here is anyone saying your son has to have X beliefs.   It's fine that he's not religious, and no one is trying to make him believe anything.

-You are endorsing his fornication: you're paying for the place for him to do it.  You're enabling it and defending it every time you take the stance you are.

- We are  speaking at to tolerable behaviors for a person utilizing a room in your house.  Any landlord has rules as to what behaviors/things are ok in the places they allow people to stay.  

3 hours ago, JKing said:

How is that enforceable with an adult? 

What does a landlord do if a tenet does follow the rules?   Evict them.  

Edited by Jane_Doe

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

What does a landlord do if a tenet does follow the rules?   Evict them.  

I totally get how impossible this probably sounds to the mother of someone.  But yeah, that's the answer.

JKing, you might be well served by familiarizing yourself with Dr. Laura Schlessinger's opinions/methods/advice. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

I totally get how impossible this probably sounds to the mother of someone.  But yeah, that's the answer.

One of two things will happen:

1) He'll grow up and start taking responsibility for his own existence (in which case, he'll quickly learn just how much he owes to his parents, including immense love and respect).

2) He'll come back with his tail between his legs promising to be a good boy.  If so, teach him how to take responsibility for his own existence.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.