Has my Wife Broken The Law of Chastity?

[BetrayedLDShusband]

I am shattered…

I’m looking for any help, support, thoughts, prayers, or advice from anyone who may have been through something similar—or knows someone who has been through something similar—or who just has something they want to share with me that may help…

I won’t go into too many details except to say that my wife of 11 years has been involved in what’s called an “emotional affair” for a third of our marriage—3 and a half years. That emotional affair also became physical, including hand-holding, embracing, and open-mouthed passionate kissing on three occasions.

If you’re unsure what an emotional affair is, I urge you to Google it—there’s a wealth of information out there from healthcare professionals. There’s also an Ensign article that explains it well:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng

The emotional affair involved an ex-boyfriend from when my wife was 15. He contacted her 3½ years ago. After a short time, he confessed that he had always loved her. My wife is temple worthy, yet she started confessing that she has always loved him too. They began calling and texting frequently. They occasionally met up in secret. They deleted text messages and cleared their call history. They even discussed how to minimise their relationship in case they were caught.

Six months after passionately kissing him, my wife had her temple recommend interview. She didn’t confess the affair. When asked, she said she didn’t really feel guilty and didn’t think it was that bad—“just friends catching up.”

To give full context—she never, ever confessed.

The man she was involved with—his wife found out and exposed the affair. At that time, his wife knew only about 20% of the details. It was only through persistent, painful questioning on my part that I uncovered probably 90–95% of what actually happened.

Still—my wife never confessed. She’s been defensive, rationalising, justifying, minimising. She keeps saying, “Everyone’s overreacting! It was just friends catching up! It wasn’t an affair!”

I asked our Bishop to meet with her. He’s taken her temple recommend, but has only seen her twice. The most disturbing part to me—she has shown no remorse.

The man she was involved with—who is not a Christian, does not hold a temple recommend—has been sobbing, repentant, remorseful. He can’t even look into his wife’s eyes without breaking down. He said there’s no excuse for what he did and he wishes he had been a stronger man.

But my wife? She’s the opposite. Always defensive. She’s only texted once that she’s sorry. Only said once, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” But there’s been no heartfelt apology. No genuine remorse. No godly sorrow.

So here is my question:
As a temple-worthy Latter-day Saint woman, who willingly, knowingly, and intentionally involved herself in a deep emotional affair with a married man—where they both confessed they had always loved each other, and where they became physically intimate through passionate kissing—has she broken the Law of Chastity?

We are told clearly in the temple that the Law of Chastity is to have no sexual relations outside of marriage.

There has obviously been emotional infidelity, and the Ensign article strongly suggests spiritual infidelity as well. But they also engaged in passionate kissing, which to me crosses the line into physical infidelity. My question is—is this considered sexual?

Has anyone else been through something similar? Maybe your husband or wife had an emotional affair, and there was kissing but no sexual intercourse?

I’m just trying to get my head around all of this.

I am experiencing pain, trauma, shock, and confusion like I have never experienced in my life.

Any advice, help, support, or prayers would be deeply appreciated.

[Carborendum]

3 hours ago, BetrayedLDShusband said:

I am experiencing pain, trauma, shock, and confusion like I have never experienced in my life.

Any advice, help, support, or prayers would be deeply appreciated.

I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling.  I'm afraid all I can provide is support and encouragement.  It may be trite to say, but it's true.  Whatever the trial, Christ is the answer.

May you be guided by the Spirit as you get through this heart-wrenching ordeal.

Edited Thursday at 12:37 PM by Carborendum

[NeuroTypical]

13 hours ago, BetrayedLDShusband said:

So here is my question: ... has she broken the Law of Chastity?

I'm interested - why come to an anonymous chat room looking for answers?  What are you looking for from us?  Is it validation for your hurt?  Is it an excuse to get divorced?  Are you looking for hope for your marriage?

I get that you're reeling and lost.  I'm not challenging or demanding answers or criticizing, I'm asking you to reflect on my questions and tell us what you're actually looking for.   You might not know.  I'd suggest that answering those questions is worth your time.  Do you want to stay married or not?  (not a gotcha question, a genuine question)

Quote

Has anyone else been through something similar?

You are hardly alone here.  I've heard countless stories from countless people who's spouses have done such things.  You might do well to consider a bit of counseling and maybe some group support in an LDS setting.  You're not alone.

Edited Thursday at 10:50 PM by NeuroTypical

[The Folk Prophet]

5 hours ago, BetrayedLDShusband said:

has she broken the Law of Chastity?

This doesn't seem like an important question for you to have an answer for. It seems like, entirely, the wrong way to come at the issue. 

What difference does a yes or no answer make? It's a letter of the law question that should have no bearing on your choices moving forward. 

If, technically, you determined kissing IS breaking the law of chastity would it change your choices vs determining it ISN'T?

Seems to me that the underlying problem remains the same regardless of that answer. 

[LDSGator]

1 hour ago, NeuroTypical said:

I'm interested - why come to an anonymous chat room looking for answers? 

He needs to express himself and get some advice from faithful LDS. This is the best place to do it. I understand totally why he’d do this. 
 

OP-I’m sending love. Even though it hurts now, I want you to know other couples have gotten through things like this, but her showing no remorse is a grave red flag because it means it’ll happen again. 
 

I’m so sorry bro. 

[pam]

Just remember the rules of this particular forum section for those responding.

Support in Hard Times

"In the quiet heart is hidden / Sorrow that the eye can't see." This Forum is to give encouragement and show compassion to those who are going through difficult times in relationships, with their testimony or with any other trial that they would like to have support from in a safe environment that offers the anonymity of the Internet.

No judgment, demeaning or derogatory posts allowed: "To the wounded and the weary / I would show a gentle heart." Focus on the positives, the pure love of Christ, and how we can rise above to overcome difficult times.

[Just_A_Guy]

11 hours ago, BetrayedLDShusband said:

I am shattered…

I’m looking for any help, support, thoughts, prayers, or advice from anyone who may have been through something similar—or knows someone who has been through something similar—or who just has something they want to share with me that may help…

I won’t go into too many details except to say that my wife of 11 years has been involved in what’s called an “emotional affair” for a third of our marriage—3 and a half years. That emotional affair also became physical, including hand-holding, embracing, and open-mouthed passionate kissing on three occasions.

If you’re unsure what an emotional affair is, I urge you to Google it—there’s a wealth of information out there from healthcare professionals. There’s also an Ensign article that explains it well:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng

The emotional affair involved an ex-boyfriend from when my wife was 15. He contacted her 3½ years ago. After a short time, he confessed that he had always loved her. My wife is temple worthy, yet she started confessing that she has always loved him too. They began calling and texting frequently. They occasionally met up in secret. They deleted text messages and cleared their call history. They even discussed how to minimise their relationship in case they were caught.

Six months after passionately kissing him, my wife had her temple recommend interview. She didn’t confess the affair. When asked, she said she didn’t really feel guilty and didn’t think it was that bad—“just friends catching up.”

To give full context—she never, ever confessed.

The man she was involved with—his wife found out and exposed the affair. At that time, his wife knew only about 20% of the details. It was only through persistent, painful questioning on my part that I uncovered probably 90–95% of what actually happened.

Still—my wife never confessed. She’s been defensive, rationalising, justifying, minimising. She keeps saying, “Everyone’s overreacting! It was just friends catching up! It wasn’t an affair!”

I asked our Bishop to meet with her. He’s taken her temple recommend, but has only seen her twice. The most disturbing part to me—she has shown no remorse.

The man she was involved with—who is not a Christian, does not hold a temple recommend—has been sobbing, repentant, remorseful. He can’t even look into his wife’s eyes without breaking down. He said there’s no excuse for what he did and he wishes he had been a stronger man.

But my wife? She’s the opposite. Always defensive. She’s only texted once that she’s sorry. Only said once, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” But there’s been no heartfelt apology. No genuine remorse. No godly sorrow.

So here is my question:
As a temple-worthy Latter-day Saint woman, who willingly, knowingly, and intentionally involved herself in a deep emotional affair with a married man—where they both confessed they had always loved each other, and where they became physically intimate through passionate kissing—has she broken the Law of Chastity?

We are told clearly in the temple that the Law of Chastity is to have no sexual relations outside of marriage.

There has obviously been emotional infidelity, and the Ensign article strongly suggests spiritual infidelity as well. But they also engaged in passionate kissing, which to me crosses the line into physical infidelity. My question is—is this considered sexual?

Has anyone else been through something similar? Maybe your husband or wife had an emotional affair, and there was kissing but no sexual intercourse?

I’m just trying to get my head around all of this.

I am experiencing pain, trauma, shock, and confusion like I have never experienced in my life.

Any advice, help, support, or prayers would be deeply appreciated.

Brother, I am sorry you’re going through this.

I think @The Folk Prophet is on to something.  Based on what you’ve written your wife has clearly broken her covenants to and relationship with you.  You’ve got some hard decisions to make about whether that break is irreparable and where that leaves you in terms of your future relationship, financial affairs, children, etc.

I think in these situations that it’s tempting to seek validation from the Church—to know that the guilty party was subjected to Church discipline, banned from temple entry, or at least to have a Church leader publicly proclaim “Jane Doe has committed sin x and the world should all recognize and acknowledge her as a predator to be condemned and shunned and person y as the victim of Jane’s behavior who deserves our support.”  I would encourage you, hard as it is, to resist that temptation.  To a significant degree Church discipline can only be applied to the extent that the guilty party is willing to subject themselves to such—by confessing, by telling the truth thoroughly, by making evidence available, by showing up to meetings and hearings at all.

You know what she did.  You know what God thinks of it.  You know what destruction she has wrought.  You know that someday—if not now, inevitably at some point—she’s going to feel the full weight of what she has done.  You know that unless or until that day comes, her worship experiences are hollow and her covenants are null and void regardless of where she goes what scrap of paper she might carry in her wallet.

It doesn’t feel like it now, but it’s possible to get to a mental and emotional state where your healing is completely independent of whatever does and doesn’t happen to her in this life.  Life is still fundamentally good and beautiful, and you’ve got great things ahead of you.  A quest for vindication and justice will distract you from seeking the good things in life, eat you alive, and ultimately leave you empty inside.  I won’t tell you to “move on”.  But I will tell you that your life will be better if you focus your efforts into cultivating a “move on” mentality.

[The Folk Prophet]

3 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

if you focus your efforts into cultivating a “move on” mentality.

I think it should be clarified that this doesn't mean that Just_A_Guy is suggesting you "move on" from the marriage or the relationship. That's a determination that's between you, her, and God. Just moving on from the past to the future and doing as best you can to be as Christlike as you can, regardless of others choices and actions.

[estradling75]

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. 

I do not have any direct experience with a spouse breaking trust...  Just more generic events when someone breaks the trust I have extended to them.  So my advice will be around that.

First piece of advice is that you can not control another person.  We all know this logically but when our feeling are hurt when our emotions run high we can be seriously tempted to say this is the way it must be...  that just tends to make everything worse.  Instead you need to focus on what you can control... and that is you.

So what can you do...  Well I am going to mention the hardest thing first.  The Lord commands all of us to forgive.  This is not optional. This is going to be very very hard... and it could take a very long time, and you will probably fail at it a lot as you try.  This is normal and expected but it does not release you from trying.  You do not get to wait to do this until she repents or shows remorse.  This part of what makes it so very hard.

Of course a lot of us have some distorted ideas of what forgiveness means.  But here it is in an nutshell.  We do not get to declare someone else's sins.  You are asking if your wife violated the Law of Chasity.  That is not our call, its not your call, it is the Lord's call.  Its between him and her you do not have a voice in that.   Related to this is that you do not get to set the punishment for her sins either.  That is also just between her and the Lord.  It is natural to feel that you are some how entitled to... Or that you need to see her "punished," that is so normal and natural.  Which is why the Lord pushes us so hard on forgiving.  He wants us to hand all that over to him and trust that he knows what he is doing.

However forgiveness does not require us to trust someone we have found to be untrustworthy, nor does it require us to stay in or return to harms way.  The question you can ask yourself and act upon is "Can you trust her?"   While you can't control her behavior, and you can not judge her sins, you can and should make a judgement call on your  safety and the trustworthiness when interacting with her and act accordingly.

Again I am so sorry for your pain and suffering... Hopefully this helps with some direction.

   

 

[Vort]

On 4/10/2025 at 2:05 PM, Just_A_Guy said:

I think in these situations that it’s tempting to seek validation from the Church—to know that the guilty party was subjected to Church discipline, banned from temple entry, or at least to have a Church leader publicly proclaim “Jane Doe has committed sin x and the world should all recognize and acknowledge her as a predator to be condemned and shunned and person y as the victim of Jane’s behavior who deserves our support.”  I would encourage you, hard as it is, to resist that temptation.

FWIW, consider this counsel from the magnificent apostle Peter (1 Peter 2:19-20) about suffering, and consider that this tragedy and betrayal might be a chance to avail yourself of the opportunity.

For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

[BetrayedLDShusband]

On 4/12/2025 at 8:18 AM, estradling75 said:

We do not get to declare someone else's sins. 

This was, very, very helpful. Thank you. So simple, but so true.....