Tarnished

I think there really has to be some give and take in marriage. The foot massage example really works for me, because I don't like touching other people's feet, but I love having my own massaged. The great thing though is that the foot massage can be used as an analogy for other things in marriage, bedroom exclusive things. I think there should be some give and take, maybe the husband should try giving his wife a foot massage every so often. But if he just can't stand the idea of touching her feet then maybe they can find something else that would work to relax both people. The problem with the selfish quote is that selfishness can be used as a goad, "Well you are being selfish because I really need such and such and you just aren't doing it". I think in your example the selfishness goes both ways. The husband is selfish for not being willing to help his wife find something that will relax her at the end of the day, but the wife is being selfish for using foot rubs as a need that she is hanging over the husband's head. The best way to deal with selfishness in a marriage is to do the best you can to remove selfishness from your own actions. Do things with your spouse in mind, do the best you can to be the best you can. Do your part and don't worry if your spouse is not doing their part. Things often, but not always, work themselves out if one person is doing their best for the marriage. Sometimes selfishness is a one person show, where one partner is the culprit, but more often it is a two person show, with both people being just as selfish as their spouse.

For the most part I think your post is very good and points out some serious issues when it comes to sex addicts, but I don't think all of the things you list apply to all addicts. My husband for example has problems with a porn addiction (as he mentioned above) and not a single one of the relationship things you list apply to him. I think the items you list are good guidelines but I also think that they may not apply to every single addict. I think TheActualLiz's post is a good one, mostly because it brings to light a side of the porn industry that most people probably have not realized. Is it a cure? Not really. Being aware of atrocities doesn't always stop an action, especially when that action is tied to an addiction. Addictions often address some part of a person that is either lacking or has been trained to be fed. It often feeds a chemical part of the person. And addictions are difficult to let go of. And as I have heard from many addicts, once an addict always an addict. You can let go of the behavior and be clean for years, but it doesn't take much to get you back to the addiction. There will always be some small part of the person that craves their addiction. And that is the problem. The porn industry does not make it difficult for people to get addicted to their product, they make it easy to run into it. And if you are a recovering porn addict it may not take much to trigger a relapse. I do think this is a good discussion though, it brings up a real issue and it gives a possible but not probable solution to porn. Truthfully I think it would take something seriously drastic to stop the porn industry and short of the Second Coming I don't see something drastic enough that will make it stop.

I agree with finding some form of exercise that works for you. I abhor running, it hurts, it leaves me gasping for breath and well it hurts. So I walk, or use our elliptical or I use the Wii fit. I really do like the Wii fit, it gives me the option to choose the exercises I do and I can do things that don't hurt but still give me a workout. I like using our elliptical because I can have it set up in front of my TV and watch TV while I workout. Turn on a 30 minute show and soon the show is over and I have just worked out for 30 minutes.

I will probably be pumping every day, mostly because my husband will be coming home from work at Midnight and I figure if he is awake then he can do the feedings in the middle of the night. Thank you all for the advice on bras and garments and nursing pads and pumps. There is so many things out there it is difficult to decide which one is the right one for me. It is good to hear the recommendations.

My husband and I have a friend who is "retiring" from the singles ward. He did just turn 30 so it makes sense, but the Bishop of the singles ward was still encouraging him to attend. I think part of the problem with attending the singles ward somewhere near where you grew up in is that you often know all of the singles in the ward already and know why it just wouldn't work out between you and them. We moved back into the ward I grew up in and that was very odd. My first calling was teaching 12 year old Sunday School, in the class was a girl who I remember when she was born, her mother was my Young Women's president. Boy did that make me feel old. Then again one of the ladies in the ward taught me when I was in primary. Going back to your home ward is an odd experience. Especially after you have been gone for quite some years.

So I am halfway through my pregnancy at this point and I find myself thinking about nursing stuff. Nursing pads, nursing bras and of course the thought comes to, do they have nursing garments? I think they do, or at least I thought I remembered my mom having something of the sort, but I was 5 and 6 respectively for my brother and sister's births, so I could be remembering things incorrectly. Do they have nursing garments? And if so are they useful? Do they have different styles? What about nursing bras? Any particular kind that work better than others? Any style that work better? Nursing pads? I have heard some women swear by one kind and swear off others. What things should I look for in a nursing pad? What is good what is bad, what is downright silly? And what about breast pumps? Are there any recommendations that anyone has? Any brands that you prefer over others?

I think I am getting a better idea of what you are trying to get out of this thread. Sort of a "Advice I would give to people who are thinking of getting married to help them keep divorce from happening." Or something of the sort. Which I think a lot of people need. For example, if I were to talk to an unmarried version of myself and give her advice for marriage I would say things like this: -See what kind of habits your significant other has before marriage, do they spend a large amount of time doing something that you do not enjoy doing as well? Chances are that will not change when you are married. -Does your SO have past transgressions that may show up in the future? Things they have told you about that may cause problems in your marriage if your SO gets involved in them again. -Meet their family, remember, you are not just marrying your SO you will also be marrying into their family, this means you will probably spend some holidays with them. How do you get along with them? -Spend a good amount of time getting to know your SO, do they have sudden fits of rage? Are they apathetic about important things? What are they like with money? Are there anythings that they do that drive you crazy? And advice for after marriage or advice I would give to a couple just about to get married. -When you get married the best way to get past many of your money issues is to think of all money that comes in as ours instead of yours and mine. Discuss things together as a couple, especially expenses and split up financial chores. -Communicate about everything. This could be chores, children, work, church, even sex, especially sex. The more you communicate the better both you and your spouse will be able to understand where the other person is coming from. Remember your spouse can not read your mind, and expecting them to is idiotic. -Be willing to give up friends for your marriage. Once you are married the most important person in your life should be your spouse. Do not let friends get between you, friends will come and go, but your spouse is the person you chose to start a family with.

Sometimes though you may not see the early warning signs in marriage. Sometime divorce is something one spouse has no choice on. My husband and I have a friend who married a girl, she was a non-member but he loved her and treated her nicely. She had a more promiscuous lifestyle before they had been married and wanted certain things in marriage (sexually) that he was not willing to give. He thought things were going well in the marriage, she was taking discussions from the missionaries, and they both were attending church each week. However, she had decided to hook back up with an old boyfriend and began cheating on her husband. When he caught them at it she chose to leave him for her old boyfriend. He is divorced because his wife chose to leave him for another man. I suppose you could say he is divorced because he didn’t see the early warning signs, but the truth is, he is divorced because his wife chose to make bad decisions and left him because of her decisions. Sometimes you can’t see ahead in marriage, even if you might see the signs before you get married. Sometimes those early warning signs can amount to nothing, sometimes a couple can work through what those early warning signs lead to. Truthfully the best you can do is marry someone who is your best friend and try your best at marriage, it isn’t always going to be sparkles and happiness, sometimes it will be pain and torment, but if you and your spouse are willing to work at marriage then it can be a wonderful thing. Not every divorce can be fixed before it happens, not every person chooses to change, sometimes marriages fail because one or both spouses just don’t feel like putting the effort into keeping the marriage going, and when that happens sometimes there is nothing a person can do, it doesn’t matter how much you try, if your spouse has given up and is not willing to work at the marriage sometimes it ends without any fault of your own.

Pam's point is very true. I am married because I wanted someone weird like me who would understand me, and because it just turned out to be my best friend. I am married because when it came down to divorce we both decided we were willing to work out the problems in our marriage over losing our best friend. I am married because after everything we have been through together no one else would understand either of us as well as we understand each other. I am married because my happiest times are when I am around my husband.

Truthfully it could go either way, but what I find most upsetting about Somewife's story is that he forbade her to go to a hotel or anywhere else. He basically wanted her to have to sleep on the street. That is messed up, no matter what your gender is.

How would you deal with a hermaphrodite though? Like in the case of my friend. My friend had both sets of sexual organs, so which gender were they? Were they a male because they had the male genitalia or were they a woman because they had a uterus (which by the way did menstruate)? It is a difficult question because there are unique cases out there like that of my friend where the letter of the law doesn't quite cover the case.

Maya, what languages/language does your husband speak?

Yep, that is basically what has happened to me. Except that it works both ways, if I am looking for a word in Spanish it usually comes to me in German, and if I am looking for a word in German it usually comes to me in Spanish.

I speak a little of Spanish and a little of German. I took three years of Spanish in school and can sometimes follow conversations if the people are speaking slow enough. I took German in college and finished my German studies up with going to Germany for a month. Again if the speakers are speaking slow enough I can generally follow conversations. Problem is that I often have my languages mix themselves up in my head. So I will be responding to someone in German and have a word come to me that is Spanish. It makes conversations a bit jumbled and messed up. I tell people that I speak Germish a mixture of German and Spanish. So I may say, "Ich spreche Deutche und Espanol un poko." Yea I know, my brain is messed up.

Not all missionaries go on a mission to gain a testimony, many go with their testimony already developed. It is true that some do go on a mission without a testimony but gain one while they are out. I suppose it would really depend on the person and in what way they went out on their mission.

What I have to wonder is if that test is as accurate as it claims. I am an INFJ but I have taken the official test that takes about an hour to complete. It has multiple sections and different parts to each section. But the official test is copyrighted and is only available through the Meyers Briggs system which usually costs money. I do wonder if the test linked is as accurate as the official test. As for being like a horoscope I actually find the Meyers Briggs test to be one of the more accurate of the personality tests out there. I am actually part of a few INFJ groups out there and it is interesting to see what things we are similar on. Sure not everyone who is the same personality type is going to be exactly alike, but often there are very distinct similarities. What I find most interesting about the Meyers Briggs test is that it really gets down to making distinctions between different types of Introverts and Extroverts. Which is something I have studied quite a bit. I also like the Color Code personality test, but I don't find it to be quite as concise as the Meyers Briggs is. But for a work environment the color code test works pretty well.

I have a friend who is a hermaphrodite. She was born with a uterus, and working male genitals. She grew up as a boy but learned during an X-ray that she had a uterus as well. She ended up choosing to be a woman and had basically a sex change done, during this process though she ended up having to have a hysterectomy. Through out all of this she has remained an active member of the church. She has gotten married to another member of the church and though they got married civilly I would not be surprised if later they get sealed in the temple. From what I understand the church had her send them results of a DNA test and as long as the results showed that genetically she was a hermaphrodite she was not excommunicated. I don't know though how it all would work for someone who had a gender reassignment and then joined the church.

I would talk to your bishop. I don't know that your parents need to know the details of why you are not leaving as soon as they would like. It sounds like they have given you enough grief as it is. Keep your focus on getting yourself clean and getting on your mission. I completely understand where you are coming from about the repentance process being difficult, I have been there myself, but I can also say that being clean again is very much worth it. Get yourself there, and go on a mission, if you do everything you can to get yourself clean and get on your mission people will be proud of you again. Ask your bishop for help. And focus on your goal.

I am sorry but I have to be rather blunt about this. You entered your marriage expecting one thing and not really being completely truthful about your feelings. Now you are in your marriage and you feel like you have been cheated, but you were the one who entered into it in the first place. There are many marriages out there that are arranged or where the couple has not known or has known each other for a very short time and many of those marriages work out. The couple ends up falling in love with each other. From what I am reading from your post it sounds like you never gave that a chance. It sounds like you got into your marriage decided that you didn’t love your husband and stuck to that decision throughout 17 long years. Have you tried to fall in love with him? Have you given that an option? It sounds like both you and your husband have had problems in your marriage, it sounds like both of you could use to change the way you interact in your marriage. But change requires desire. Currently your focus is entirely on yourself. Your last paragraph is filled with “I want” statements. You want happiness, you want love, you want some perfect dream you have come up with. But I have to ask if you have looked for what you want in your marriage. You mentioned that he has repented for what he did, did you repent for what you did? Does he know about what you did? Has he forgiven you? Have you forgiven him? It sounds like you are struggling with yourself and that usually means that you know you should do one thing but you want to do another. Ask yourself why this is. Usually there is a good reason. Heavenly Father does not want you to be miserable, but it sounds like you have decided that your situation can never go from miserable to wonderful. I would bet you that if both you and your husband tried you could find a way to make a wonderful marriage out of a miserable one. But it would require a lot of effort, and it would require a desire to change. Do you have that desire? Finally some further questions. Do you really think that divorce would make you happy? Do you think that splitting up your family would make you happy? What if you did find another man but he wasn’t any better than your current husband? What if you never find what you think you want? In the end it is really your choice, there is a way to find happiness in your marriage, but you will really have to work for it. There is also probably a way to find happiness outside your marriage, but you will have to destroy your family for it. Either way YOU will have to deal with the consequences, not anyone who posts a response to your post. You need to sit down with yourself and with Heavenly Father and really think hard and long and pray hard and long about what to do. What you are talking about doing is a HUGE change for you and your family and you need to consider all the repercussions involved.

My husband and I waited till we got married and it was wonderful. My memories of that night are very nice. He got us a room at a nice hotel, we had music and soft lighting, and the whole experience was very good. Not at all what Melissa’s experience was like. There is a lot that can go into your first experience, and a lot of it comes down to communication. Waiting is worth it, not waiting will result in a long difficult repentance process and probably not the best experience over all.

We have been house shopping lately and have had the chance to look at a lot of foreclosed properties. What you see is sad, often the people who are walking away from the house are upset, which is understandable. You have put so much time and effort into a house and now you are having to walk away from it without it helping you at all. The problem is, they tend to destroy the house before they go. They take all the appliances, they sometimes leave the house with the water running, some will break down walls, make holes in walls. Basically they try to "stick it to the bank" when the bank isn't really the one who got them into their mess. Often the bank isn't even the same bank they bought the house with originally. If you find yourself in a situation where you have to walk away from your house, no other choice, then it is what you have to do, but the way I see it, don't be a jerk about it.

I only open my door during daylight hours. After the sun goes down my door doesn't open. And I open it because the neighbor kids will sometimes come by, but again, I have my dogs.

Obviously you are not a woman. I only answer my door with my dogs present, and that is so they can stick their huge heads between my legs and look slightly menacing. If I didn't have dogs I would probably answer my door with one of my weapons, like my war hammer or my stiletto. I just don't like taking chances. To me it doesn't sound odd at all to answer the door with a kitchen knife, especially at midnight, especially in what sounds to be a college town. As a woman you never know what might happen and it is not a bad thing to try to protect yourself. If you ask most women what they do to protect themselves from a physical or sexual assault they will often list a huge number of things they do daily. Things like walk with their keys held in a certain way, carry their purse in a certain way, wear their hair in a certain way, look at people or not look at people depending on the situation, walk differently in different places, carry weapons with them in different places, the list goes on and on and on. As a man you don't have to think about physical or sexual assault quite as much as women do. I think she was very smart in what she did. Both with the answering the door with the knife and not letting him inside.

Also, who knows what kinds of natural disasters might happen between now and then. If there aren't roads to drive on, or gas to fill your car with, and you are intent on traveling to Missouri then what mode of travel are you going to use? I don't know that the entirety of the church will be called there though, at this point about half (if not more, I don't have the numbers on me) of the church is not located in the US, for those who are located in distant countries they may just be told to create Zion in their homes and temples.

There are many examples that have been used when it comes to the atonement, however it sounds like you are having trouble understanding them. It is sort of like this, imagine you have a debt to someone, a debt that you really can not pay back, sort of like the debt the US owes. The debt is just too big and you will never be able to pay back all of it. So you pay back what you can. But the money is still owed, now imagine that someone steps up and offers to pay off the remainder of your debt. This is like the atonement. Before the fall Adam and Eve could not sin, thus the atonement was not needed at that time. After the fall though, Adam and Eve had the ability to sin, and the atonement became necessary. The reason for this is because when we sin the punishment required for our sin is more than we would be able to pay, we repent which pays for a portion of our sin but not for all of it, Christ takes up the remainder and pays for it (or actually, has already paid for it), because of his portion of payment for our sin we are forgiven and the sin is forgotten. You asked in your original post about Christ’s suffering in the garden and on the cross. We don’t know all the details of what was involved in that but we do know that the suffering the Christ endured would have killed any normal person. The fact that he is God’s physical son is why he was able to survive it. As for how he atoned for all sins, we really don’t know. You can ask him when you die. But we do know that he suffered for all sins, I don’t think anyone can imagine what kind of agony he went through for that, I don’t think we can ever begin to wrap our heads around that. So to answer your question for this post simply: Our sins require more payment than we could give, thus Christ is necessary for us to be forgiven. He pays what we could not.