Newlywed Considering Dvorce

[herewego]

My marriage feels like it has been crumbling from the start. We have only been married 8 months. I don't think my husband was ready to get married. Looking back with brutal honesty, I think he rushed into marriage to have sex with me. He was always very attentive and kind to me. We always had fun and I thought we had the same goals in life. I feel hurt because when we were dating, he went along with things that he shouldn't have. Just agreeing with me and pretending to have more in common than we did. Then once we got married, he withdrew any physical affection. He admitted he hated things about me that he previously said he loved. The night we got back from our honeymoon he asked me if I regretted getting married or if I thought we got married too fast. He then told me how he still thought about other girls and didn't feel attracted to me anymore. It absolutely broke my heart because it shattered my reality. I know it sounds dramatic, but I thought up until that point that we were fine, happy and in love. I was the happiest I'd ever been and it made me feel like I was trapped with someone who didn't really want to be with me. I felt used and lied to, it sent me into a bad case of depression. He stopped having sex with me, maybe a couple times a month, we never held hands or kissed anymore. We would fight constantly, he would play League on his computer from the time he got home until 1 or 2 am and I would usually just go to bed around 8:30 or 9 , sometimes earlier with how depressed I felt. Then after maybe 4 months of this, one night I had a breakdown just crying and I told him how this marriage really made me feel. He cried too, saying he didn't know how bad I felt and that he was sorry. He pretty much admitted that he didn't have any romantic feelings for me and we agreed we both deserved better. I was crushed, I had never felt so alone. Since then, we have upheld a horrible pattern. We decide it's important that we try and salvage our marriage. We have a great week, maybe two weeks, then get into a horrible fight and either he threatens to walk out through anger after a fight or we both cry due to how unhappy we have been and discuss divorce again. Then the next day we decide to really try again and stop bringing up divorce. However, without fail the same cycle goes on. It feels like he always makes effort those weeks to be kind to me, and I appreciate it. But honestly, even at our best we are just good friends. He doesn't lust after me or want to just hold me close. I don't know what to do. My self-esteem has never taken a dive like it has this year. I was always self confident growing up and never felt like I needed make up or heels or curled hair to be beautiful. But he makes me feel like I do. The real problem here is that I fell in love with him when we were dating, and I think all he ever felt was infatuation. Is there hope for us? I'm looking for advice. Thanks.

Edited December 13, 2019 by herewego

[zil]

@herewego, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  The only advice I can offer you is to seek counseling from a professional marriage counselor/therapist.  Some talking with the bishop may also help, just to help you to do those things which enable you to maintain a gospel perspective.  He might also be able to help you find a therapist.

Edited August 24, 2018 by zil

[Vort]

My take based on what you have written is that this is a matter of immaturity on his part and naivete on yours. Neither is an unforgivable sin, but both need to be remedied, perhaps especially the immaturity. You definitely need counseling of some sort. I am not sold on "therapists", but some have profited by them. Trusted parents, trusted older siblings or friends, and of course your bishop and other Church leaders are obvious sources of trustworthy counsel.

[VelvetShadow]

Professional Therapy (counselling) would be my advice, both as a couple and for each of you on your own.  I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it must be heartbreaking for you.  You deserve a husband that loves you, not someone who tells you how he has no romantic feelings towards you and that he thinks about other girls.  That's awful, my heart goes out to you.

[Guest MormonGator]

I think professional counseling is certainly appropriate in this case.

My heart breaks for your situation. Please know that I'm praying for you and sending love. 
 

[Just_A_Guy]

So a guy who was chaste before marriage and possibly rushed into marriage specifically for the sex, now has zero physical interest in his wife and stays up late at night, alone, on the computer?

There’s a lot that this *could* be; one possibility being a long-standing porn issue.

[Sunday21]

So terribly sorry to hear of your situation. I hope that you see your bishop soon.

Edited October 6, 2018 by Sunday21

[Jane_Doe]

@herewego, your marriage is indeed save-able.  But it's going to require:

- MAJOR work on both of your part

- MAJOR professional counseling

- And a willingness to put the other spouse above everything else -- including your own pride and faults.   Many of the traits you two are showing here (immaturity, walling off, lashing out, etc), have no place in a marriage and need to die.  In their place needs to be reborn empathy, respect, communication, and a more mature form of love.  

Again, your marriage is save-able, with a lot of work.  But it is indeed possible.  

[Grunt]

Sounds like you both need to grow up a little.  I don't mean that in a negative way.  Mature is probably a better word.  Talk to your Bishop.

A trip to the woodshed for him may be in order.

[kdog]

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. Marriage is intended to bring happiness, as you know. And it is intended to last forever. The only advice I can give is for you to work on yourself and be the best you can be. It is usually not a good idea to try to change your spouse. You may have heard of the movie "Fireproof". This is an excellent movie that lays out steps for saving a marriage. You can go to the website: https://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/ . I am also sending you a document that will be very helpful, especially if both you and your husband read it and agree to follow it. Divorce rates are near zero when these concepts are followed. Lastly, pray with all your energy for Heavenly Father's help in saving your marriage, then do all you can within your power. Best wishes. 

Twenty commandments of marriage.doc

[Lost Boy]

One has to wonder about the other side of the story. 

You tell of a man that wants sex so he gets married, but now doesn't want it.. At least with you anyway. 

And then you mention fighting.  For there to be a fight you need two willing participants. 

Things that are a big turn off for guys is nagging, complaining, being told that we always do something that you don't like. Having someone bring up past transgressions. Having love withheld. 

There are always two sides to the story.  

So, you cannot change your husband. Only he can do that. You can change yourself. What was the saviors response to just about everything? To love. When things weren't going well for him, he continued to show love. Did he fight? No. Did he pout? No. He showed love. 

Now that is a hard thing to do when you feel that the love is one sided. But love is a choice. You choose to love the person you are with. Do you wake up thinking how am I going to show my husband love today? Or do you wake up wondering how he is going to disappoint you today? 

Do you treat him how you want him to be or do you treat him how you currently see him? Which way is more likely to affect a positive change? 

I've been there where I wanted my marriage to be over.  Where there was very little love between us. I did what I wrote above.  It was very hard to do, but it has yielded good results. In my many years of marriage, she was rarely affectionate with me, but now she finally is. 

It takes a daily commitment to love.. To love regardless of whether you believe he deserves it or not. If you do this don't expect an immediate turn around,. It takes time. Months and months. 

Good luck. 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

On 8/24/2018 at 4:17 PM, Just_A_Guy said:

So a guy who was chaste before marriage and possibly rushed into marriage specifically for the sex, now has zero physical interest in his wife and stays up late at night, alone, on the computer?

There’s a lot that this *could* be; one possibility being a long-standing porn issue.

If I were a betting woman, I'd put my money on this.  

So sorry to hear of this situation herewego, I second the suggestion for both talking to the Bishop (spiritual guidance) AND marriage therapy.  

I think that sometimes people in difficult marriages think about divorce and look for someone to validate that idea.  But you need to realize probably no one is going to do that unless you are physically in danger.  Bishops, counselors, friends, strangers on the internet....likely no one will say, "Get a divorce."  For those who need to do that (even Pres. Oaks said divorce is sometimes needful), it will be a decision between that person and the Lord.  

That said, I do think your marriage can be saved if he is willing to work with you to save it.  

Edited August 26, 2018 by LiterateParakeet

[Just_A_Guy]

6 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

I think that sometimes people in difficult marriages think about divorce and look for someone to validate that idea.  But you need to realize probably no one is going to do that unless you are physically in danger.  Bishops, counselors, friends, strangers on the internet....likely no one will say, "Get a divorce."  For those who need to do that (even Pres. Oaks said divorce is sometimes needful), it will be a decision between that person and the Lord.  

Indeed.  The only thing I would add is something that’s probably self-evident anyways:  if divorce is going to happen, it’s usually a much simpler affair if there are no children involved.  

[Overwatch]

Hi!

I am so glad you decided to come here. If this is true I think he is a person that made a horrible decision. He lied to you and pretended to love you just so he could have sex without guilt. Now that he has used you, he is unhappy. What was he expecting? What did he think sex was going to be? What did he think marriage was going to be? Right now, he is a loser. Doesn't love his wife and spends all of his free time playing League of Legends. I imagine he is a scrub and doesn't win real money? I think this scrublord needs some marital counseling and a dose of reality. Do your best to save the marriage but if he still persist in his madness that he hates and never loved you seek an annulment. He lied to you and your marriage was a sham to begin with just for him to bed you. 

We all love you and wish you the best. Remember to keep doing the basics which includes going to the temple often. Continue healthy living so that remain beautiful both inside and out. Things will get better with or without him now that you let the cat out of the bag. 

:)

Edited August 26, 2018 by Overwatch

[jewels8]

On 8/25/2018 at 11:01 AM, Jane_Doe said:

@herewego, your marriage is indeed save-able.  But it's going to require:

- MAJOR work on both of your part

- MAJOR professional counseling

- And a willingness to put the other spouse above everything else -- including your own pride and faults.   Many of the traits you two are showing here (immaturity, walling off, lashing out, etc), have no place in a marriage and need to die.  In their place needs to be reborn empathy, respect, communication, and a more mature form of love.  

Again, your marriage is save-able, with a lot of work.  But it is indeed possible.  

I wouldn't suggest saving this marriage.  Though, the intentions are good, not every marriage should be saved.  Just look at what she wrote.  Bless her heart!  Better to get out before kids come along, and you regain your self esteem and find a real man who will cherish you Whether the marriage can be annulled at this point or not, I say pray about it, tell your bishop, and remember, he can't decide for you.  Bishops are counseled to   But this lady needs to be free,  This boy won't change for her anytime soon

 

[jewels8]

I feel like a mother, Honey, I am so sorry you are going through all of this!  Marriage is full of surprises that non of us anticipates.  Somehow, someway, this experience you have been through and are in will make you a better, stronger, and more knowledgeable person down the road.  But right now, I want you to be assured that you are a beautiful, worthy, wonderful , daughter of God.  And that you have so much to offer and that you deserve a companion who will love you for who you truly are, be true to you, enjoy your company, be willing to build a life and eternity with you.  We can not always foresee what is coming.  You have been trying for a better part of a year to make it work.  Yo can see what you have done, what he has done.  You know, unfortunately of the cost of the pain.  And you have probably listed  the pros and the cons of  marriage to him versus divorce, and the freedom that may open up for you.  I admonish you to , if you haven't already, to fast and pray about it, seek your bishop if you feel the need, and maybe a counselor to support you, and or a friend .  But do what you need to regain your self-esteem.  You deserve joy.  This man just may not be ready for a committment like marriage.  You are.  And that's ok.  You can feel peace.  The Savior taught that divorce is ok.  He gave divorce because sometimes men break women's hearts.  And sometimes they just aren't as ready for giving in a relationship, if they are selfish and immature.   And this is real..  There may be some progress, but is it enough?  Is the cost of what is going on inside you to high?  What price is it worth?  There are other men, who are out there.  And if you don't have kids, its easier to get out, although, don't let that stop yp fromdoing what is best for you.  Follow the Spirit.  There are many who will support your decision, on both sides of the veil,  a

nd I wish the best for you and this man.

[mdfxdb]

As stated above, we are only getting 50% of the story, so I am going to move forward with the premise that only 50% of what you are saying is true.  Even if 100% of what you are saying is true, my advice doesn't change:

• Both of you together visit  your Bishop and ask him for advice.  He should send you to a qualified marriage and family therapist.  
  • He will ask you if you are living the gospel, reading the scriptures together and individually, praying together, and keeping your temple covenants.  Be ready to answer this truthfully either you are or you are not. 
• He cannot "make" you feel, you choose how you feel.  
• Remember you cannot change him, you can only change yourself.  
• Is he providing for you?  Is there a future plan for you and your family 5 yrs, 10 yrs?
• What are you doing to bring yourself closer to him physically?  Flirting, kissing, cute outfits?  It's a two way street.

Your husbands participation is key in the above.  If he declines to participate, then that is an indicator that things aren't going to work.  But only an indicator.  

After you have visited and counseled with your bishop, after you have visited with the MFT (more than once) and taken both of the advice of both, and after you have looked in the mirror and evaluated yourself honestly, only then are you ready to make any sort of decision for divorce.  

Please ignore all the advice above about Porn, and how the Savior taught that divorce is OK.  

[omegaseamaster75]

20 hours ago, jewels8 said:

I wouldn't suggest saving this marriage.  Though, the intentions are good, not every marriage should be saved.  Just look at what she wrote.  Bless her heart!  Better to get out before kids come along, and you regain your self esteem and find a real man who will cherish you Whether the marriage can be annulled at this point or not, I say pray about it, tell your bishop, and remember, he can't decide for you.  Bishops are counseled to   But this lady needs to be free,  This boy won't change for her anytime soon

 

Wow pretty insightful based on one post from a forum member who will probably never come back to the forum. 

OP for what it's worth there are 2 sides to every story. I wonder what your husbands side of the story is?

[jewels8]

Remember, again, to listen to the Spirit.  No matter what anyone else says.

[jewels8]

4 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Wow pretty insightful based on one post from a forum member who will probably never come back to the forum. 

OP for what it's worth there are 2 sides to every story. I wonder what your husbands side of the story is?

This man is putting her though unspeakable pain, without any thoght for himself.  He married her for a very low reason.  There is no excuse,  She deservws better, I think.  Give him a chance to grow up without tearing her down any more,  I don't believe she is lying.  He was deceitful 

[jewels8]

Just now, jewels8 said:

This man is putting her though unspeakable pain, without any thoght for himself.  He married her for a very low reason.  There is no excuse,  She deservws better, I think.  Give him a chance to grow up without tearing her down any more,  I don't believe she is lying.  He was deceitful 

Have mercy on her

[Latter-Day Marriage]

DO NOT GET PREGNANT.  Not until the marriage is solid.  Kids deserve parents who are committed to each other.

[omegaseamaster75]

15 hours ago, jewels8 said:

This man is putting her though unspeakable pain, without any thoght for himself.  He married her for a very low reason.  There is no excuse,  She deservws better, I think.  Give him a chance to grow up without tearing her down any more,  I don't believe she is lying.  He was deceitful 

I will grant that the OP does not paint a pretty picture of her spouse.  Again we are only hearing one side of the story. the Husband is a monster and the OP is the poor victim? 

It takes 2 to tango.

How long did the OP date this guy before marriage? if you date long enough you get to know who a person is. We are talking about adults here right? No one forced her to marry this guy. So one can assume that due diligence was taken on her part to make sure that this was someone she wanted to spend eternity with.  For example, came from a good family, was educated, had a good job with which to support his family, was religious not just a go to sacrament and then hang out in the halls mormon. etc. etc.

how much effort is the OP putting into the relationship? We only hear about the terrible stuff her husband is doing.

 

 

Edited August 28, 2018 by omegaseamaster75

[jewels8]

8 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I will grant that the OP does not paint a pretty picture of her spouse.  Again we are only hearing one side of the story. the Husband is a monster and the OP is the poor victim? 

It takes 2 to tango.

How long did the OP date this guy before marriage? if you date long enough you get to know who a person is. We are talking about adults here right? No one forced her to marry this guy. So one can assume that due diligence was taken on her part to make sure that this was someone she wanted to spend eternity with.  For example, came from a good family, was educated, had a good job with which to support his family, was religious not just a go to sacrament and then hang out in the halls mormon. etc. etc.

how much effort is the OP putting into the relationship? We only hear about the terrible stuff her husband is doing.

 

 

We really don't know.  It's true there are 2 sides to a story. and forgive me if the picture she paints is different, but she is suffering.  What is this guy thinking?  He did admit he lied to her.  It just doesn't sound like his story would hold much water. Will he repent?  What changes need to bemade?  What have they tried?  I think this woman, and I feel that this woman has come to a point where she's already gone through , and I may be assuming, but through a normal process of trying to make it work with her husband, and now she's reaching out for support.  So, like I said, she should follow the spirit.  And I have heard from church leaders before that it is important that a relationship does not make someone feel less then who they are, that is damaging.

 

[jewels8]

Yes, people get to know each other, but suppose he really was putting up a fake front, or doesn't like the real her as much.  Maybe he can learn to like her more, but can she trust him?   Will he have serious issues of honesty in their marriage?  I don't know.  That would be a major concern if that were a thread ralways running through a marriage and family.  not saying the Lord can't help, but why sign up for it, if its not necessary?  Sometimes, we have to pray and give our selves permission to ask the Lord if its ok to have something,  It doesn't hurt to ask.  This will affect her whole life and a future family, possibly.   I had an experience where a man wanted to marry me, but he had honesty issues.  I did not marry him..I knew I didn't want that kind of a relationship, but I didn't want to hurt him.  I had to really pray and realize, even though I knew in my head, I had to know in my heart that I was not responsible for his happiness, that I cared about him, but even if he said he didn't know what he would do without me, I knew I cold be kind, and firm, and not feel too guilty.  Its hard to have to hurt someone's feelings, and at first I think Satan was trying to make me feel trapped, like I had to marry him.  Like somehow I was responsible for him.  And I know it seems silly, and I knew it wasn't healthy to feel that way.  Of course, I wasn't married to him, I wasn't even engaged to him, although he would lie, and try to make it sound sometimes like we were, even though I made it clear to him that we weren't.  Of course this lady is married, but I wonder if she sometimes feels trapped.  I wonder if her husband feels trspped.  I don't know.  I had to rely on the Lord to be able to break up with this guy and help him understand clearly that it was over, while still being kind.  It's not something anyone wants to do, but I learned that the Lord approved for me to have joy.  Just because I had a relstionship with this guy and found out he was something I hadn't anticipated, that wasn't good for me, didn't mean I had to continue it.  Now, I realize that every situation is unique, but unfortunately, these things do happen.  Like I said, she, and he can follow the spirit and have the courage to do what is best,  whatever direction she needs to take, I know she will have support