LatterDSaint

Can women have a healthy relationship guy bestfriend and their boyfriend at the same time? Based on what happened yesterday, I would conclude NO

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4 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

I see where you are coming from but I am curious. Do you think that "trust" is actually the issue here? Because I do trust that my girlfriend wouldnt do anything to intentionally hurt me but what is she does hurt me unintentionally which she did the other day by not telling me that her instrument practice was cancelled and that she was going to hang out with another guy who she has said herself, she finds attractive? 

The underlying issues here are lack of trust and insecurity/jealousy.  

Your jealousy cause you to be hurt the other day.  It's highlighting the need for you to work on that weakness in you.   It's not your girlfriend's fault.   She is not disqualified form hanging out with this person just because that person happens to be male and attractive.

4 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

Do you think I am wrong that I can trust my girlfriend to not cheat on me but not trust that she wont in time end up developing feelings for this other person that she might not even realize she is acting on? 

This is an unhealthy insecurity on your part.   Do not waste your life worrying about every "what if".  This will be poison to your relationships.  

4 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

If you believe that "acting on" feelings is just limited to kissing another person or sleeping with them then you will probably think I am wrong which would make sense.

I am in NO way limiting cheating to just physical acts.  Emotional affairs are a real thing.  

4 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

But as I learnt today, acting on your feelings for somebody else is hanging out with this person while your boyfriend at the time is under the impression that you are somewhere else. Telling your boyfriend/spouse after this has just occurred doesnt make me completely feel like she actually respects me no?

Your girlfriend is not obligated to report her whereabouts to you constantly.  

The fact that this behavior wouldn't bother you if the other person was female shows that this really is an insecurity/jealousy/controlling reaction on your part

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8 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

In EITHER case, you need to:

1) Treat her like a daughter of God.  You treat her like the Queen she is going to be in your life.

2) You don't have the right to correct her or make demands.  You have the right to explain to her how her actions make you feel and what your concerns are.  Then you can work TOGETHER on how to address the concerns.  And in so doing, the behavior may change.

Your description thus far has been

1) She did something with another man.  (Details don't matter).
2) You got jealous.
3) You threw a tizzy fit.
4) You made demands.
5) She capitulated.

Does this sound like a healthy relationship? 

If my narrative in these five items is somehow incorrect or incomplete, correct me.

Ok @Carborendum's word hit a home run here.  Much better than mine.  

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16 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

1) She did something with another man.  (Details don't matter).

Ill add to this first point you made- She did something with another man while I was at the time, under the impression that she was at instrument practice.

Does that not seem like I have a legitimate concern  to throw I tizzy fit about?

Edited by LatterDSaint

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Just now, LatterDSaint said:

Ill add to this first point you made- She did something with another man while I was at the time, under the impression that she was at instrument practice.

Does that not seem like I have a legitimate concern  to throw I tizzy fit about?

No.

She's not obligated to report her whereabouts to you constantly.  Such an attitude is highly unhealthy. 

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Your girlfriend is a child. You do not want to marry a child, you want to marry a woman. If this fact (that you want to marry an adult woman, not a child) is not obvious to you, then YOU are a child, and should not be getting married.

You need to have a serious, sober, but kind and friendly talk with your girlfriend about the future of your relationship. If things are to progress to the point of engagement and marriage, she needs to rethink her approach to social intercourse with other men. And frankly, so do you.

Some people manage to have close opposite-sex friends other than their spouse. I think this is unusual in most cases, if not rare, and that many who claim such a friendship are in fact juggling chainsaws (to use NT's visual).

Be wise. What can I say more?

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5 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

Ill add to this first point you made- She did something with another man while I was at the time, under the impression that she was at instrument practice.

Does that not seem like I have a legitimate concern  to throw I tizzy fit about?

Not really.  It seems like an oversight.  By your own words, it was certainly not premeditated.

But if I'm wrong, and it IS cause.... then you're still saying the relationship is not healthy.

Edited by Guest

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3 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

Ill add to this first point you made- She did something with another man while I was at the time, under the impression that she was at instrument practice.

Does that not seem like I have a legitimate concern  to throw I tizzy fit about?

She led you to believe she was somewhere doing some specific thing, plans changed and she did not advise.  She chose to spend that time with another man (not you).  

Enough said.  Time to cut her loose.

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3 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

Ill add to this first point you made- She did something with another man while I was at the time, under the impression that she was at instrument practice.

Does that not seem like I have a legitimate concern  to throw I tizzy fit about?

She led you to believe she was somewhere doing some specific thing, plans changed and she did not advise.  She chose to spend that time with another man (not you).  

Enough said.  Time to cut her loose.  You are dating her.  There is no commitment.  Let her go.  You are twisting yourself in a bunch of knots for a girl when there are tons of other girls out there.  

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10 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

She is not disqualified form hanging out with this person just because that person happens to be male and attractive.

Jane, you are putting words in my mouth. This is not the issue I had and she is not disqualified from doing this. I was upset that I had no idea she was hanging out with this male friend of hers who is attractive until after they spent their time together...

 

12 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Your girlfriend is not obligated to report her whereabouts to you constantly.  

THat isnt what I meant and I'm really curious, would you be okay if your husband said he was somewhere and actually arranged for one of his friends who is a girl to take him there, and then later he told you that where he said he was going to be wasnt actually scheduled for that time and hung out with his friend for over an hour instead? Wouldnt you have preffered to have been notified that he was doing something else instead of what you had assumed he was going to do based on prior discussion?

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6 minutes ago, mdfxdb said:

She led you to believe she was somewhere doing some specific thing, plans changed and she did not advise.  She chose to spend that time with another man (not you). 

I appreciate you for putting it so succinctly. It doesnt appear though that others on this thread would be hurt by such actions...

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1 minute ago, LatterDSaint said:

THat isnt what I meant and I'm really curious, would you be okay if your husband said he was somewhere and actually arranged for one of his friends who is a girl to take him there, and then later he told you that where he said he was going to be wasnt actually scheduled for that time and hung out with his friend for over an hour instead? Wouldnt you have preffered to have been notified that he was doing something else instead of what you had assumed he was going to do based on prior discussion?

That happens and I totally don't care.  

He likewise doesn't care when this happens with me (which is ~once a week).  

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2 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

That happens and I totally don't care.  

He likewise doesn't care when this happens with me (which is ~once a week).  

so from your own relationship standpoint, both of you are okay with it. Does that mean that from my relationship standpoint, I also have to be? Is your relationship a model for all successful relationships?

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6 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

THat isnt what I meant and I'm really curious, would you be okay if your husband said he was somewhere and actually arranged for one of his friends who is a girl to take him there, and then later he told you that where he said he was going to be wasnt actually scheduled for that time and hung out with his friend for over an hour instead? Wouldnt you have preffered to have been notified that he was doing something else instead of what you had assumed he was going to do based on prior discussion?

3 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

I appreciate you for putting it so succinctly. It doesnt appear though that others on this thread would be hurt by such actions...

Well, if you take @mdfxdb's words to heart, then you need to dump her.  So, why don't you?

If seems that you want to salvage this.  And salvaging it does not come from clinging to the emotional baggage that YOU are creating.  If it really was as bad as you say, it seems she has apologized and will try better.  What more do you want?

If it is not enough, then you need to dump her.  You can't have it both ways.  He's right and you need to dump here.  He's wrong and you need to do what you can to salvage the relationship.  Which is it.

And, no, I don't think many here would be hurt by such an oversight because we have strong trusting relationships.  It appears you don't.  Therein lies the disconnect.  We don't relate to your distrust because we have relationships of trust.  You don't.

So, you have a choice to make.  Are you going to dump her or salvage.  Make that decision and everyone will be on the same page.

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2 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

so from your own relationship standpoint, both of you are okay with it. Does that mean that from my relationship standpoint, I also have to be? Is your relationship a model for all successful relationships?

Jealousy is poison to a relationship.  So are insecurities, lack of trust, and the need to control the other person.

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Just now, Carborendum said:

So, why don't you?

because she recognized the other day and today (about 2 hours ago) that she should have notified me sooner rather than later and has apologized profusely for her lack of mindfulness for how I would have felt that she was hanging with another guy and refused to notify me about it only until after the fact.... I love her and she is a blessing from the Lord. This will always remain true in my heart.

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5 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

If it is not enough, then you need to dump her.  You can't have it both ways.  He's right and you need to dump here.  He's wrong and you need to do what you can to salvage the relationship.  Which is it.

Completely agree. I most definitely cannot have it both ways. I do like venting a bit on this site just to consolidate and calrify my feelings towards different ordeals I go through. Thats all really

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1 minute ago, LatterDSaint said:

Completely agree. I most definitely cannot have it both ways. I do like venting a bit on this site just to consolidate and calrify my feelings towards different ordeals I go through. Thats all really

If you're just venting, then vent away.  If you're looking for advice on how to salvage, then ask for that, and we'll move forward in that vein.

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2 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

My girlfriend told me last week that she would be jealous if she ever saw me hugging another girl. What are your thoughts on this?

Jealousy is poison to a relationship.  So are insecurities, lack of trust, and the need to control the other person.

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Just now, LatterDSaint said:

lol

None of this goes just one way.  Men and women can be jealous.  Men and women can be insecure.  Men and women can lack in trust.  Men and women can be controlling.  

All people, male and female, have weakness that need to be overcome with Christ's help.

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If this is a committed relationship, you have every right to set boundaries on stuff like this, and so does she with you.  If you both can't feel secure in the relationship then what is the point?  What she did was unwise to put it mildly, and my suspicious side would wonder what the change of clothes was for. 

Since they dated before I think it is fair to say he has a level of romantic interest in her, and he doesn't have an obligation to back off from pursuing her if she doesn't push back.  She is beginning to sound like she might be unreliable, first mission/no mission, now this.  Watch if this is a pattern with her of going back on her decisions or not committing to them.  Have a frank discussion about what does and doesn't cross the line.

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LatterDSaint, I don't understand your defensiveness. You asked for input. Jane_Doe is giving you input. You are not required to accept her input, but laughing at and questioning her offerings seems churlish. You did ask, after all.

While I appear not to take opposite-sex friendships as casually as Jane_Doe, I nevertheless agree with the gist of what she has written. Jealousy is poison to intimacy. You do not want jealousy as a part of your marriage. Some people seem to find jealousy to be sort of exciting and a confirmation of one's affection. It is neither of those. It is childish and possessive. Jane_Doe is certainly right about that part, however you may feel about her take on opposite-sex friendships.

EDIT: Never mind about my edit. Long day.

Edited by Vort

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40 minutes ago, LatterDSaint said:

My girlfriend told me last week that she would be jealous if she ever saw me hugging another girl. What are your thoughts on this?

Depends on who and what kind of hug.  Hugging a mom, sister or other female relative shouldn't be a problem for anybody.  As for hugging other women, I most often deliberately don't do it because I feel it disrespects my relationship with my wife.  Exceptions may happen when I know for a fact my wife is OK with that and she is there too, and the hug is like when I hug my sister or mom.  A long embrace is totally wrong.

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