Junior

How can I get my wife to expect less from me?

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Hi, my name is Junior :)  I have been married for 4 months and we have a daughter who is 6 months old now. I like being a family with them but my wife expects too much from me. She wants all my attention and I can't hang out with my friends or colleagues. When I am home with her she doesn't let me speak to my friends on the phone or via social media, even though she gets to see her friends during the day and she messages with them. If I say to her now I want to go and read or go to bed she gets mad and says she has been alone all day with the baby and now she wants to spend time with me, but I am tired and she even gets mad at me if I yawn. The only thing I can do without her is go and visit my mom, but if my mom phones me and I am home my wife lets me answer but I have to speak on speaker phone. I spoke to a couple I know at church and they said they spend most evenings together but sometimes they go out separately, but they said I should  spend most of my spare time with my wife. Do you know some way I can tell my wife she has to let me do the things I want to more? She makes it hard for me to do the things I need to do spiritually, like she lets me go to church but she doesn't give me time to study scriptures and I am meant to have a calling but I can't fulfil it, and I finally got a temple recommend but I haven't been able to go, I really need some advice, so I can do these things and maybe some way that I can include my wife with them

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@Junior I agree with Jane, you need marriage counseling.

These issues are not things that we can help you with. It has to be something you both are doing for help. At counseling you will both learn how to be better spouses.

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Just spend all your time with her and be overly attentive to the point of annoying her.  Then she'll suggest you go see your friends (end sarcasm)

It is too difficult for you to express all aspects of your relationship in a forum like this.  And it is very difficult for others to provide any useful actionable suggestions.  See a counselor, hopefully together.  

If that isn't an option, find resources online or at the library.  

Good luck! :) 

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51 minutes ago, Junior said:

Maybe if I sell a kidney I can afford to go to a counsellor, they are over $100 per hour. 😂

Have you looked at the cost of divorce?  Cause that isn't cheap either.

Junior, you and your wife need a LOT of work on how to be better spouses.  Get counseling. 

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2 hours ago, Junior said:

Maybe if I sell a kidney I can afford to go to a counsellor, they are over $100 per hour. 😂

The ones my wife and I have seen are about $75-85 for an hour session. Still a lot,  but we saw one once a week for a month to get ourselves a good basis of what to work on, then did it once a month. Now it’s just as needed.

I would also talk to your bishop and see if he can help financially with it.

Edited by Fether

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Guest MormonGator
15 minutes ago, Fether said:

I would also talk to your bishop and see if he can help financially with it.

That's a great idea @Fether

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14 minutes ago, Friend said:

Junior, has she ever hit you?

 

 

9 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Junior, has she ever hit you?

she hasn't ever hurt me, we had times when I was frustrating her and she hit me but she wasn't trying to hurt me 

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7 hours ago, Fether said:

The ones my wife and I have seen are about $75-85 for an hour session. Still a lot,  but we saw one once a week for a month to get ourselves a good basis of what to work on, then did it once a month. Now it’s just as needed.

 

It's still so much money, I did think about counselling but I looked at the cost and I will need to spend more money in one hour than I earn in one day. If we went one time a month do you need to pay upfront for x many months?

7 hours ago, Fether said:

 I would also talk to your bishop and see if he can help financially with it.

No I can't ask him to because he already helped me a lot 

Edited by Junior

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2 hours ago, Junior said:

If we went one time a month do you need to pay upfront for x many months?

We always paid after each meeting. Perhaps if you have insurance it covers counseling?

 

2 hours ago, Junior said:

No I can't ask him to because he already helped me a lot 

I don’t know what kind of advice you are looking for Junior. 

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4 hours ago, Junior said:

 

she hasn't ever hurt me, we had times when I was frustrating her and she hit me but she wasn't trying to hurt me 

If the genders here were flipped, Junior, this would be a classic domestic violence perp/victim relationship.

Do what you will with that bit of information. 

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It is not uncommon for young couples with their first kid to struggle to balance things.

For example a young father likely worked all day and when they come home from work they want to unwind and relax.

This is understandable and normal..

But the young father also needs to understand that the young mother has been working all day too.  Taking care of kids all day long is work, do not fool yourself in thinking it is not just because she stayed home.  She very likely wants to unwind and relax.  And she might be very desperate for Adult interaction.

Thus by the end of the day both parents are ready for a break... but the kids still need to be cared for and both the Husband and Wife need some personal time.  The couple needs to accept this and work together to find a way to balance as the needs, while realizing they will not get as much as they might like personally.

This of course is just one possibility of what might be going on.

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3 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

If the genders here were flipped, Junior, this would be a classic domestic violence perp/victim relationship.

Do what you will with that bit of information. 

+1, and I will add a couple of links to Hawaiian based resources:

http://humanservices.hawaii.gov/ssd/domestic-violence-resources/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/hi
From the second link, a little how to recognize abuse, if you want.
https://www.domesticshelters.org/common-questions/am-i-experiencing-abuse#.Wd-mTtFrzD4

Please get some help from someone.

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6 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

If the genders here were flipped, Junior, this would be a classic domestic violence perp/victim relationship.

Do what you will with that bit of information. 

 

3 hours ago, MrShorty said:

+1, and I will add a couple of links to Hawaiian based resources:

http://humanservices.hawaii.gov/ssd/domestic-violence-resources/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/hi
From the second link, a little how to recognize abuse, if you want.
https://www.domesticshelters.org/common-questions/am-i-experiencing-abuse#.Wd-mTtFrzD4

Please get some help from someone.

I shouldn't have said my wife hits me because it's not an accurate description, but she won't ever hurt me, she isn't violent. 

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5 hours ago, anatess2 said:

@Junior, tell her exactly what you told us here.

Then come back and tell us what she said in response.

I told her lots of times that I want to see my friends and have time on my own but well she gets upset that I don't want to spend time with her, that's why I was asking some way I can tell her please let's have some times apart but in a way that shows her I want to be with her. And I want some way she can do spiritual things with me

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4 hours ago, estradling75 said:

For example a young father likely worked all day and when they come home from work they want to unwind and relax.

 

Yes when I get home I want to relax and do the things I want to but my wife always wants to eat with me and watch tv with me and talk etc 

 

4 hours ago, estradling75 said:

But the young father also needs to understand that the young mother has been working all day too.  Taking care of kids all day long is work, do not fool yourself in thinking it is not just because she stayed home.  She very likely wants to unwind and relax.  And she might be very desperate for Adult interaction.

 

Yes she has told me before that she finds it boring to look after the baby and she is lonely and I feel bad but I have to work everyday apart from Sunday and on Sunday after church I do give them all my attention. But she wants too much from me :( 

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5 minutes ago, Junior said:

Yes when I get home I want to relax and do the things I want to but my wife always wants to eat with me and watch tv with me and talk etc 

 

Yes she has told me before that she finds it boring to look after the baby and she is lonely and I feel bad but I have to work everyday apart from Sunday and on Sunday after church I do give them all my attention. But she wants too much from me :( 

What is too much?  A purely equal split would be for two and half evening each week (not counting weekends) you take over total care of the kid and let her have/do whatever she wants.  That would give you only 2 and a half evenings for your stuff.  And that assumes that you have no desire to work on strengthening your marriage (which is not advised).  To do that you need to spend time with your wife and maybe get a baby sitter.  That would also cut into your personal time.  Just about every Father on this forum understands that they do not have as much personal time as they might otherwise like because of this and considers it an acceptable sacrifice.

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57 minutes ago, Junior said:

I told her lots of times that I want to see my friends and have time on my own but well she gets upset that I don't want to spend time with her, that's why I was asking some way I can tell her please let's have some times apart but in a way that shows her I want to be with her. And I want some way she can do spiritual things with me

Okay.  So tell her you're going to drop the baby off at her mother's after work on Tuesday so you and her can go spend time together.  Then tell her you're going to take care of the baby on Wednesday so she can go see her friends and have time on her own.  Then tell her you're going to see your friends and have time on your own on Thursday.  Then come back and tell us what she says.

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23 hours ago, estradling75 said:

What is too much?  A purely equal split would be for two and half evening each week (not counting weekends) you take over total care of the kid and let her have/do whatever she wants.  That would give you only 2 and a half evenings for your stuff.  And that assumes that you have no desire to work on strengthening your marriage (which is not advised).  To do that you need to spend time with your wife and maybe get a baby sitter.  That would also cut into your personal time.  Just about every Father on this forum understands that they do not have as much personal time as they might otherwise like because of this and considers it an acceptable sacrifice.

I finish work every day at 9/10 pm, usually by the time I am home the baby is settled, I would like to have 2 nights where I come home and just go do my own thing in the house, like read or play video games etc. My wife won't let me do that she wants me to spend time with her. I do want to spend time with my wife too and more time with my baby, but the only day I finish early is Thursday but I go see my mom and siblings. Do you think it is fair that after I get home from work at 22:30 I can't just relax ? I appreciate she is bored and lonely but what can I do ? 

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