husband asked me to choose him or my daughter

[Generic1]

I guess I have a basic idea of where I am with this situation, but thought I would ask opinion to hopefully validate how if feel. This is a long story, I will be amazed if anyone hangs in there until the end.... Here it goes.

Last week my husband asked me to choose him or my daughter. Because in the heat of an argument (or lecture) I didn't want to give an answer I might regret later, I told him I would not abandon my daughter, but did not tell him I was done with our marriage.

My husband and I were married six years ago, at that time my daughter had just turned 13. Before we got married him and my daughter would hang out, she thought the world of him and was so excited when he proposed. As soon as we were married his relationship with her changed. He went from being the fun guy, to the boss of the house and was constantly letting her know that she wasn't doing things good enough for him, he hated every friend that came over and would say mean and derogatory things about them. Obviously this made the adjustment into a step family very difficult for her and for myself. I felt that I often had to stand up for her because he was so judgemental. Of course I thought it was an adjustment phase and it would get better.

Fast forward a year and things weren't much better. She had started to rebel a bit and I chalked it up to her being a teen rather than her struggles with him. When we got married my daughter had a little dog that had been her buddy for several years. My husband didn't like him much. One day my husband came home from his security job, apparently noticed the dog had lifted his leg and peed on his chair. Obviously he was upset, he headed up the stairs looking for my daughter. What happened I am not sure because his story and hers differ a little. He apparently was taking off his gun as he stepped into the door of her bedroom. With gun in hand he started to unleash on her about the dog. One thing they both agree on is that was waving the gun around and he threatened to shoot her F'n dog. Of course he used the real swear words. She says he pointed the gun at her, he says he was pointing down and motioning towards the dog that was downstairs. Anyways, her and her friend who was in the bathroom when this transpired, left the house. She called her biological dad and told him what had happened. He told her to call the cops. When I arrived home from work, the girls had returned and where in the bathroom I think fixing their hair. I thought nothing was out of the ordinary, then the police show up at our door and things sort of fell apart. By the end of all the reports and questioning my daughter left with her friends parents because the police said she shouldn't be in the same house until things settled down. I agreed to let her go. The judge ended up issuing a no contact between the two of them. This put me in a bad position. My husband wanted me to believe that she had it in for him and that she had lied to get him in trouble. If I could go back I probably would have chosen differently, but I stood by him and tried to play the middle hoping that I could put things back together and bring her back home. While we were working on things a friend of mine said she would let my daughter come stay with her. Things went from bad to worse, my daughter started hanging with my friends older daughter, started drinking and even started smoking pot. We ended up getting her into a private school where there was also some crisis intervention.

My husband said she could never come home unless she dropped the charges against him. The day before it went to trial, she said she would. With the charges dropped and the no contact removed she was able to come back home. But it wasn't a happy place for any of us. He had no problem showing her that he despised her. He blamed her for his unemployment because he lost his job when they found out about the incident. He held over her head all the money he had spent on lawyers and he constantly let me know that she was a liar and that he knew she was out to get him. I was constantly standing between the two trying to smooth things in the middle.

Going to the private school and getting some counseling seemed to have helped her. She pulled herself together, graduated a year early and became a CNA. I have still spent the last 4 years trying to keep the peace between them. She honestly tries, I see her doing good things, but it's never quite good enough, he hasn't been able to forgive her, and honestly she hasn't been able to forgive him. Our home has been tense to say the least. The only way we have made it this long is that my daughter for periods of time has chosen to stay with friends when things get too tense. Our home has never been a safe place for my daughter, but its the best she has. About a year ago she was arrested for underage drinking and of course my husband had to just rub that in, it shows what a terrible disappointment she has become, and should prove to me that she is the bad one.

Well a month later he got arrested for brandishing a weapon in an argument he was having with a neighbor. He has a bad temper, hasn't ever gotten physical but he is very verbal and sometimes a little scary. That was about a year ago, things have still been tense at times for the most part they try to ignore each other, she hides in her bedroom and he plays video games for hours at time, and I'm still stuck in the middle, trying to keep things smooth. I'm a true peace maker at heart and I'll do almost anything to keep the peace. My daughter recently turned 19, she is working and trying to save up money to go to college. She isn't perfect and still makes bad choices with her friends sometimes, emotionally I don't think she is ready to be completely on her own.

Last week the two of them got into a huge argument when she found out he had been on her phone looking through all her messages. She stood up to him the first time ever, I was still afraid until he lunged at her and was right in her face. At that moment I felt like she was in danger so I stepped in and told him to back off. We were in the driveway and I think when my husband realized the neighbors could hear him he said we should take it inside. One of the things she said to him was really hard for me to hear. She said that from the time he married me she felt like she had lost her mom and that she never had a home. I realized at that moment that she honestly had lost me, and I had abandoned her. She had been struggling by herself to find a place she fit in, and hadn't found it yet.

Once in the house he asked me to come to our room with him. He lectured me for over an hour about not standing by him, as his wife I should always stand with him. I told him I was scared he was going to hurt her and I wasn't going to let that happen. So I stepped in. He told me that in the eternal perspective she doesn't matter. It's all about him and I. And he told me I needed to choose who's side I would be on. Will I stand with him and our eternal marriage or will I stand with her. I told him I couldn't abandon my daughter. Realizing he might lose me he backed down but I feel like the ultimatum is still there.

He had to leave town for a week and will be back in a couple of days. This has given me a lot of time to think and some wonderful time with my daughter, who I feel still needs a place to call home, and needs a mom who will be there for her.

After that long story, my question is where do you think I should go from here? I did marry this man in the temple, however she is my daughter and I feel like she needs me to be there for her now. She is still struggling with drinking and the choices she is making. I see her basically screaming for help. Do I stick with my marriage and abandon her again, or do I let my marriage go, and help lift her up and hopefully save her before it's too late?

Again, I know that no one can make a choice for me, and I already know what I lean towards. Just thought I would like some confirmation.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[Guest]

This is going to sound harsh... but it needs to be said.

I don't believe in divorce. That said, you need to be a mother to your daughter with 100% of your life, energy, and spirit. Your second husband needs to stay as far away from your daughter as you can possibly make it even if that means filing for divorce and a restraining order. You have been sacrificing your daughter's peaceful existence with that sorry excuse of a man. If you can't do that, then maybe she needs to be with her biological father. Maybe he can protect her better than you have been. She is not thriving in your stewardship.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

I would call his behaviour abusive based on what you have said and you need to protect your daughter from him, not just physically but emotionally as well.  Consider an immediate separation with him and insist the three of you get counseling.  If he doesn't go along with it and shape up and repent of his past ways and earn your trust and your daughter's trust then divorce should be a real consideration at the very least.  A man who acts like this is not worthy of his priesthood, not worthy of having a wife or family.  Being your husband doesn't give him any right to treat her or you like that and you are not obligated to stand by and support him no matter what.

 

The situation may be salvageable but it won't be easy and you are going to have to stand up to him as well.  I think there is a chance of him turning physically violent at some point so be careful to not give him a chance to harm you or your daughter.

[Windseeker]

I'm also remarried in the temple and can tell you if I was in your specific situation I would not hesitate to leave this guy. 

 

My own blended family is not perfect, we have our relationship struggles. How my spouse sometimes treats the kids is our biggest obstacle and definitely our hot button topic. My biggest joy is when my wife shows the kids patience and love and my biggest hurt is when I feel she steps over the line in how she treats them. It's never that she's upset at the wrong things, but rather her level of frustration, that I disagree with. I often feel like her loving them is loving me, but often people that marry into a family with existing kids have a hard time seeing it this way. Luckily I see enough instances of her reaching out and showing love and patience to counter some of the harshness.

 

I often contemplate whether or not our responsibility lies with our spouse or our children. I think in a mostly healthy family it should always be with your spouse. But if there is any abuse present, emotional or physical, it most definitely lies with protecting your children. 

 

In the presence of abuse, which in your situation there clearly is, If you are not an advocate for your child then who is?

 

You might ask yourself, with all this Standing and Siding with him...is he Standing and Siding with you and your effort to provide a safe, non-toxic, dare I say loving environment to raise your daughter?

[pam]

I don't know about anyone else...but two different instances of brandishing a weapon?  That would be a huge red flag for me and a huge area of concern.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

If I were in your shoes, I would divorce him. I might forgive my husband if he had an affair or viewed pornography, but abuse is a deal breaker.

Consider this...my ex-brother in law once pulled a weapon and shot the family dog in front of his children. He is in prison now for MURDER.

Your husband has been abusive. Your daughter needs you. Like your daughter, I felt abandoned when my marrived my abusive step-father. She's passed away now and I am still struggling to resolve the anger and forgive her. You still have time to repair your relationship with your daughter.

I'm part of a really supportive group of LDS women who have been abused on Facebook (several of them were or are in abusive marriages.) If you'do like info about that send me a PM.

[pam]

I'm part of a really supportive group of LDS women who have been abused on Facebook (several of them were or are in abusive marriages.) If you'do like info about that send me a PM.

 

Perhaps a better way to put this is:  I'm part of a really supportive group of LDS women on facebook who have been abused.

 

 

It made it sound like you all have been abused on facebook.  :)

[NightSG]

Hmm...let me think; he likes to emphasize points by waving a gun around and she's 19.

 

I don't see why you have to choose between them; they can both fit out the door.

[omegaseamaster75]

The real question is why does the OP need to ask what to do? OP I would seek professional help in the form of counseling 

 

 

Omega

 

 

P.S. leave your husband

[NeuroTypical]

"One thing they both agree on is that was waving the gun around and he threatened to shoot her F'n dog.

...

My husband said she could never come home unless she dropped the charges against him.

...

 a month later he got arrested for brandishing a weapon in an argument he was having with a neighbor.

...

he lunged at her and was right in her face.

...

Do I stick with my marriage and abandon her again, or do I let my marriage go, and help lift her up and hopefully save her before it's too late?"

 

I'm not sure what to call it, but I wouldn't call it a marriage.  When someone does that sort of crap repeatedly to people, and their significant other doesn't have the killer tsunami of all swinging ultimatum-throwing door-lock-changing fits, there's something very wrong.  In my opinion, you have a bigger problem than your husband.  

Edited June 8, 2015 by NeuroTypical

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Perhaps a better way to put this is: I'm part of a really supportive group of LDS women on facebook who have been abused.

It made it sound like you all have been abused on facebook. :)

LOL you are so right. Thanks.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Perhaps a better way to put this is: I'm part of a really supportive group of LDS women on facebook who have been abused.

It made it sound like you all have been abused on facebook. :)

LOL you are so right. Thanks.

[Just_A_Guy]

I don't care where exactly he pointed it:  He pulled a gun on your little girl when she was fourteen years old, and you sided with him--in the name of being a "peacemaker".

 

Let me say that again:

 

He pulled a gun on your little girl when she was fourteen years old, and you sided with him--in the name of being a "peacemaker". 

 

What else do you need to know, really?  Her behavioral issues are, I daresay, almost entirely attributable to this moment.  A good friend of mine was raped, as a teenager, by her stepdad--and her mother also decided to take the schlub back in the name of being the "peacemaker", just as you did.  The result was a deeply damaged girl who lost her parental rights to a child she bore out of wedlock at sixteen, experienced the failure of numerous relationships and one marriage, and generally continues to cope with the fallout of her mother's horrible decision almost twenty years later.

 

You owe your daughter a heart-felt, tear-stained, groveling, crawl-over-broken-glass apology.  Thereafter counseling, priesthood guidance, and quite possibly a divorce summons are very much in order.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

Let me say that again:

 

He pulled a gun on your little girl when she was fourteen years old, and you sided with him--in the name of being a "peacemaker". 

It's not big enough...

He pulled a gun on your little girl when she was fourteen years old, and you sided with him--in the name of being a "peacemaker".

[The Folk Prophet]

Heh. I don't believe in divorce much...and there are very, very few things that would get me to advocate for such. But pulling a gun on my kid hits the nail pretty square on the head as to...

 

...wait...

 

...are we really discussing whether you should divorce him?  Shouldn't the question be what name should I change ours to and which obscure state should I move to?

[Backroads]

Normal people don't behave that way and declare themselves the epitome of manhood. The guy sounds like a monster and you betrayed your flesh and blood.

[Jane_Doe]

as his wife I should always stand with him. 

 

No: you are to stand always by what is RIGHT.  

 

 He told me that in the eternal perspective she doesn't matter. It's all about him and I.

 

This is just downright blasphemy.  

 

She is your DAUGHTER and you **ARE** sealed to her (if you two haven't yet had the ordinance done, you should).  Sealings are all about turning the hearts of the children to the parents and vise-versa.  Please, research and pray on the importance of sealings and motherhood.

 

In regards to your husband: what type of husband is he if he doesn't want to be part of the family you already had?  Does he talk about being a righteous priesthood holder for your house, and his (step) children?  A father, priesthood holder, or follower of Christ should NEVER disregard one of God's children as "unimportant".

 

Will I stand with him and our eternal marriage or will I stand with her. 

 

I apologize in advance here, because my words are very blunt--

 

What eternal marriage?  

 

You two may have gotten married in the temple, but that does not automatically make your marriage an eternal Celestial marriage.  All blessings of the temple are covenants: predicated on us striving to walk with God, keeping His commandments, and learning to be like Him.  Does your husband gently lead your family with Christ-like love?  Or does he rule with terrifying unrightous dominion?  

 

Again, I apologize for my blunt words.  And honestly I don't know the true state of your marriage (only Christ does), but as others have said, there seem to be many red flags.

 

 

 

 

 

Another note--  there is no such thing as eternal "marriages".  There are eternal *families*: husband, wife, children, grandparents etc.  When your husband was sealed to you, it was not a stand-alone marriage created (just the two of you), but rather he joined your entire FAMILY via the wedding.  If he chooses to be part of your family, than he most be a worthy part of your daughter's life too.

 

 

 

After that long story, my question is where do you think I should go from here? I did marry this man in the temple, however she is my daughter and I feel like she needs me to be there for her now. She is still struggling with drinking and the choices she is making. I see her basically screaming for help. Do I stick with my marriage and abandon her again, or do I let my marriage go, and help lift her up and hopefully save her before it's too late?

 

 

Your daughter needs you more than you could possibly imagine.

[AngelMarvel]

I don't even have to read any of this because... That is an UNACCEPTABLE question and so childish. Shame on HIM!

[classylady]

Blended families have a lot of trials and can be very difficult.  I have done a lot of reading on how to be a step-parent since I am the step-mother to a son and daughter.  I also have 5 biological children of my own.  I am no expert, but, what I have learned is that the biological parent should be the one that does the disciplining.  And, don't expect the child to automatically love the new step-parent just because their biological parent loves the new spouse.  Same, for the step-parent, don't automatically assume they will love the step-children.  Girls, especially, have a difficult time with the step-parent relationship.  Some step-children do aggravate the situation because they don't like the new step-parent.  They like the old status quo.  It sounds like it was just you and your daughter for some time before a step-father came into the picture.  Adding a step-parent to the picture is difficult for children (and the new spouse) and there is a long adjustment that can take years.  It can be especially hard on pre-teen/teenage girls.  The biological parent often feels like they are being put in the middle and having to make choices for or against either their spouse or their children.  Often times counseling can be helpful and is needed.  This probably should have been done years ago in the OP circumstance.

 

I am not necessarily a believer in the adage: "children always come first".  I believe that marriage comes first.  But, if the children are in danger, physically or emotionally, then of course the marriage will have to go on the back-burner and the child is attended to and the problem taken care of.  But, children need to know that mom and dad's relationship is a priority, even if it's a blended family.  I'm talking in generalities here.  And, I'm talking about a healthy marriage.  It sounds to me that the OP does not have a healthy marriage.

 

To the OP.  We can only offer you advise.  You know the whole situation and how volatile it is or isn't.  You know if your daughter is just pushing your husband's buttons, or if he truly is a danger to you and your daughter.  If he is a danger, GET OUT NOW!  If, it is just unfortunate circumstances that have occurred then you perhaps need to go to counseling with your husband and daughter, if you should choose to stay in the marriage.

 

Your relationship can be repaired with your daughter.  But, there needs to be some open communication.  The same for your husband if you should to choose to stay with him.  Your daughter is not a child.  She is an adult, albeit, a young adult.  With her being an adult, you do realize that she won't physically be in the same house with you for long or if at all?  So, with a divorce, you will be on your own.  If you are in an abusive relationship, getting a divorce IMO would be preferable than staying in the marriage.  You know if your spouse has been abusive to you.  You need to decide what you want to do.  It will be a hard decision.  Pray and ask for guidance and it will be given to you.

Edited June 9, 2015 by classylady

[Generic1]

I appreciate the comments even the ones that seem upset with me for the choices I have made. Believe me when I say I'm upset with myself as well.

Not, in defense of him, but maybe a little for myself. At the time of the gun incident with my daughter he was working in security and told me he was in the process of removing his gun from his belt (so he could put it away in our bedroom) when he saw her and started the "conversation". So according to him he didn't make it a point to go get a gun to scare her, but it was already in hand when he turned to talk to her. He made it all seem situational. Thru the years there have been times that he is really good and we have all had a great time together, but the man with a temper is always lurking in the shadows. Sometimes small things set him off.

I think I struggle with feeling like I committed to this person eternally and I took that commitment seriously, however I keep coming to situations where I am questioning that choice more all the time. I have tried to make things work because I don't want to be a quitter and I don't want to go thru another divorce. However the last few weeks have I have totally been leaning towards calling it. I have talked to a lawyer, but I have to admit that I am really scared to tell him how I feel. I am worried that the whole process will get ugly and he will try to do what he can to hurt me financially. Unfortunately the lawyer told me there is a chance he may even have a possibility of getting alimony from me. I don't think he will hurt me but I do know it won't be a pretty situation. The thought of starting over is not very appealing to me, however I have decided that is exactly what I need to do. My daughter needs me.

[NightSG]

Not, in defense of him, but maybe a little for myself. At the time of the gun incident with my daughter he was working in security and told me he was in the process of removing his gun from his belt (so he could put it away in our bedroom) when he saw her and started the "conversation".

 

I worked security for several years, carried a gun daily for a long time.  I never took it off and then wandered around with it in my hand for a while.  Guns don't go off in holsters, nor when they're put away.  They go off when they're being handled.  Minimizing that time by not unholstering until I'm standing directly in front of the place where I will be putting it away is basic common sense.  What he's claiming is the equivalent of unzipping his pants in the kitchen then walking to the bathroom to pee.

[NeuroTypical]

Not, in defense of him, but maybe a little for myself. At the time of the gun incident with my daughter he was working in security and told me he was in the process of removing his gun from his belt (so he could put it away in our bedroom) when he saw her and started the "conversation". So according to him he didn't make it a point to go get a gun to scare her, but it was already in hand when he turned to talk to her. 

 

 

Yeah, I occasionally carry concealed, and I've taken it out of its holster to put it away in my bedroom too.  Can you guess how many times I've done it during an argument with my daughter when I've "threatened to shoot her F'n dog"?  That is what you told us, right?

Edited June 9, 2015 by NeuroTypical

[David13]

Yes

Unless somebody has some screws loose, they handle a gun properly at all times. 

dc

[Str8Shooter]

I appreciate the comments even the ones that seem upset with me for the choices I have made. Believe me when I say I'm upset with myself as well.

Not, in defense of him, but maybe a little for myself. At the time of the gun incident with my daughter he was working in security and told me he was in the process of removing his gun from his belt (so he could put it away in our bedroom) when he saw her and started the "conversation". So according to him he didn't make it a point to go get a gun to scare her, but it was already in hand when he turned to talk to her. He made it all seem situational. Thru the years there have been times that he is really good and we have all had a great time together, but the man with a temper is always lurking in the shadows. Sometimes small things set him off.

I think I struggle with feeling like I committed to this person eternally and I took that commitment seriously, however I keep coming to situations where I am questioning that choice more all the time. I have tried to make things work because I don't want to be a quitter and I don't want to go thru another divorce. However the last few weeks have I have totally been leaning towards calling it. I have talked to a lawyer, but I have to admit that I am really scared to tell him how I feel. I am worried that the whole process will get ugly and he will try to do what he can to hurt me financially. Unfortunately the lawyer told me there is a chance he may even have a possibility of getting alimony from me. I don't think he will hurt me but I do know it won't be a pretty situation. The thought of starting over is not very appealing to me, however I have decided that is exactly what I need to do. My daughter needs me.

 

You cannot commit eternally to someone abusive because you do not have the authority to do so.  Your temple covenants do not seal you to someone who is unrighteous.  The sealing powers are NOT permanent.  They are contingent upon righteousness.  

 

 D&C 121 sums it up nicely-

 

36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

 37 That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

 

 

There you have it.  Unrighteousness = no sealing powers.  Sin cannot exist with God.  The sealing powers seal those who are righteous.  For example, you, your husband, and your child are sealed.  If your husband is unrighteous, you and your child are sealed together but that's it.

Your husband is a child of God.  No matter how bad things get, always remember that.  Never degrade, demoralize, demonize, and do other things toward your husband that are unbecoming of a follower of Christ.  At the same time, never, ever be afraid to tell the truth no matter how ugly it is.  Tell it like it is.  Tell it to those who need to hear it.  Get to a safe place, get a lawyer, and never be alone with your husband until he gets the help he needs.  You are in a bit of a pickle, but things will eventually get better IF and only if you get help.  

 

You are only a quitter if you do nothing.  GET HELP NOW.  Right now.  Right this second.  Please.

 

p.s.  In my state, flinging a gun around will get you a minimum of 10 days in jail, even if there is no malice.

Edited June 10, 2015 by Str8Shooter

[Guest]

Not, in defense of him, but maybe a little for myself. At the time of the gun incident with my daughter he was working in security and told me he was in the process of removing his gun from his belt (so he could put it away in our bedroom) when he saw her and started the "conversation". So according to him he didn't make it a point to go get a gun to scare her, but it was already in hand when he turned to talk to her. He made it all seem situational.

This is bull-hokey story by your husband and you bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Anybody who is licensed to carry a gun - especially those working in things like Security or Law Enforcement - should know that you don't remove the gun from the holster unless it is in the process of getting aimed at a target or it goes straight to the gun case. You don't walk through the house shedding your gun belt and "situationally" wave the thing around. That is total irresponsibility in the carrying of a firearm which disqualifies him from Firearm Safety Training requirement of a carry license.