Internet Girlfriend

[Indeed98]

Hey, so I have been talking to this girl for a while now who is from the Philippines. I am from the US. I am going to BYUI and she is applying for BYU Hawaii. She is really sweet and is a RM and I talk with her sister sometimes as friends so I know she has feelings for me as well. I have told her that I am considering visiting her there in the Philippines, as I have been considering going on a trip this fall. Besides the obvious complications, any advice on how to proceed? Any advice on Filipina women would be appreciated hahaha

[my two cents]

Welcome to the forum!

tagging @anatess2

[my two cents]

I suggest setting aside your feelings and really look at the cultural differences. I also strongly recommend getting and reading 'It's Just My Nature' by Carol Tuttle (huge help in any kind of relationship!!). 

[person0]

[Indeed98]

Very Nice /\ /\ /\ /\

[Guest MormonGator]

Good luck my friend. It's 2017 and many people meet online and have wonderful relationships. Just take it real slow. I wish you the best of luck! 

[anatess2]

Where in the Philippines?  Cultural differences among Filipinos are as varied as the US.  But all of them are clannish.  You're not gonna be just dating her.  You're gonna be dating her entire family.  Visiting her hometown is a great way to get to know her clan.  Just be prepared for all the scrutiny.  It will be daunting depending on the size of her family.  Lots of Filipinos gain cousins because their grandmothers were seat mates in first grade.

Edited July 22, 2017 by anatess2

[Indeed98]

On 7/22/2017 at 0:44 PM, anatess2 said:

Where in the Philippines?  Cultural differences among Filipinos are as varied as the US.  But all of them are clannish.  You're not gonna be just dating her.  You're gonna be dating her entire family.  Visiting her hometown is a great way to get to know her clan.  Just be prepared for all the scrutiny.  It will be daunting depending on the size of her family.  Lots of Filipinos gain cousins because their grandmothers were seat mates in first grade.

She is close to Davao. Yeah, she does have a large enough family haha. She's told me about her parents and siblings though and they all seem really nice.

I'm just not sure how fast/slow to take things, especially since it may be a while since we see each other again after I visit

[anatess2]

56 minutes ago, Indeed98 said:

She is close to Davao. Yeah, she does have a large enough family haha. She's told me about her parents and siblings though and they all seem really nice.

I'm just not sure how fast/slow to take things, especially since it may be a while since we see each other again after I visit

Ohhh!  Bisaya!  The culture in that neck of the woods tend towards hot tempers.  That area has a large Muslim influence so things are a whole lot more conservative - even more conservative than the already conservative northerners.  That's not a good place to be obnoxious, mean-spirited, etc.  It's also not a good place to compromise the honor/virtue of someone's daughter.  And it's not a good place to roam around without a local guide.

As far as how slow/fast... you'll notice that the family can just roll over you in that regard... if they like you, they might pressure you into a quick marriage.  If they don't, things can get almost impossible.  The trick is to be a strong willed person and not get pressured into anything you are not ready to do.  The girl, more than likely, will defer to her family.  Which reminds me... you're not just marrying her, you're marrying the entire family.  And divorce is a scarlet letter over there. 

Check out Kyle Jennerman's videos on YouTube to get a regional feel of that area.

[anatess2]

P.S. People from that area tend to be politically active - and they are either super loyalist to President Duterte or they are Muslim or Communist rebel supporters... there's not many in-betweens or don't-cares.  It's highly possible that your girlfriend's family is politically connected somehow.  This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your stance on American politics.  And yeah, families don't have the "don't talk politics or religion" rule usually.

Edited July 26, 2017 by anatess2

[Indeed98]

On 7/25/2017 at 9:01 PM, anatess2 said:

 

As far as how slow/fast... you'll notice that the family can just roll over you in that regard... if they like you, they might pressure you into a quick marriage.  If they don't, things can get almost impossible.  The trick is to be a strong willed person and not get pressured into anything you are not ready to do.  The girl, more than likely, will defer to her family.  Which reminds me... you're not just marrying her, you're marrying the entire family.  And divorce is a scarlet letter over there. 

 

I have noticed that about her family and the area. She is more to the west of Davao but I can still see the ultraconservative side of things. Luckily her parents already like me even though they have not met me! They all seem very nice and strongly connected to the church. Things are going very well and honestly if things persist and her parents approve, I am considering very strongly in proposing. My biggest fear is that I will let my own feelings get in the way of what the spirit is telling me and I won't be able to see my mistakes before it is too late.

[Indeed98]

She feels very strongly about me as well and I think she would say yes if I proposed as long as her parents were ok with it, but it is hard to tell what the spirit is telling me and what is just my hopes. I know this sounds terrible, but it does cost a lot to go out there and I am totally willing to put forth the time, money, and effort to do it, but not if I know it will only end baddly.

[my two cents]

18 minutes ago, Indeed98 said:

She feels very strongly about me as well and I think she would say yes if I proposed as long as her parents were ok with it, but it is hard to tell what the spirit is telling me and what is just my hopes. I know this sounds terrible, but it does cost a lot to go out there and I am totally willing to put forth the time, money, and effort to do it, but not if I know it will only end baddly.

Well then before you buy the ticket, google '100 questions to ask before you get married' and be totally honest with each other about them. You also need a pro/con list of this relationship with everything on the table (where will you live/raise a family, how often will you visit the other family, what do you enjoy doing together, etc). You also both need to read the book I suggested above as well as 'The 5 Love Languages' (check your library). The more you know going in, the better! 

[anatess2]

16 hours ago, Indeed98 said:

She feels very strongly about me as well and I think she would say yes if I proposed as long as her parents were ok with it, but it is hard to tell what the spirit is telling me and what is just my hopes. I know this sounds terrible, but it does cost a lot to go out there and I am totally willing to put forth the time, money, and effort to do it, but not if I know it will only end baddly.

This is how you know she is the one you are going to marry:

Ask yourself - "What if tomorrow I meet another girl who is more kind, more loving, more intelligent, more pretty, more perfect, etc. etc.?  What then?"  If your answer is, "So?"  Then make plans to marry the girl.

But before you marry the girl, ask yourself, "What if after we get married I wake up to find out she's a serial killer?  What then?"  If your answer is, "I'm going to divorce her and find another girl."... you're not ready for marriage to a Filipino.

Marriage to a Filipino should not end.  Badly or otherwise.  If it is going good, keep at it.  If it is going bad, figure out a way to make it good.   You got an entire clan there to ask for help.   Ending it should not even cross your brain.

 

Edited July 28, 2017 by anatess2

[omegaseamaster75]

I'll assume that you are a US citizen.

Your first phone call should be with an immigration attorney.  If you are serious about this person this is not the time to be cheap.  Hire a real attorney and make sure that you know 100% what you are getting into. Time and cost.  You need to pump the brakes until you do this. 

[Mahone]

19 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I'll assume that you are a US citizen.

Your first phone call should be with an immigration attorney.  If you are serious about this person this is not the time to be cheap.  Hire a real attorney and make sure that you know 100% what you are getting into. Time and cost.  You need to pump the brakes until you do this. 

 

I'm not so sure that this is necessary. Having been through the process of applying for US residency and now about to go through the process again for US citizenship, my experience is that so called "immigration attorneys" are at best very expensive proof readers and in some cases their knowledge of US immigration is so poor that they actually make the process more difficult. Most people who hired them ended up saying it was an unnecessary waste of money.

In 99% of cases, everything an immigration lawyer can tell you can be found on the USCIS website. Just do the research and you'll be fine. Assuming you end up marrying this girl, make sure you collect as much evidence as possible to prove your relationship is bonafide and not a sham marriage. Keep things like text messages, facebook messages and photos. DO NOT ELOPE.

The exception to this is if you need to apply for a waiver for whatever reason. Lets hope you don't, but if you do, an immigration attorney that specializes in waivers is definitely what you need.

Outside of immigration, be prepared for your family to potentially express their displeasure at you having a relationship with a 'foreigner'. We had issues on both sides, with my family having a predisposition against Americans in general and her family accusing me of marrying her for a green card. Others went as far as to place bets on how many months/years our marriage would last. You may end up having to grow a pretty thick skin.

Edited July 29, 2017 by Mahone

[Fether]

Drop the internet girlfriend and get one of these.

but in all honesty. I wouldn't make any big changes or moved you meet in person a few times. I dated a girl a while back where we texted a ton and it was great, but in person it was awkward.

[Flying Saint]

One piece of advice I have is before you buy the ticket I hope you verify she isn't Cat-fishing you it unfortunately happens a lot today so if you have verified that she is a real person go for it man, plus i agree with everything else said above.

[Sunday21]

In some cultures when you marry, you and your spouse form a unit. You are not responsible for the extended family of your spouse. In other cultures when you marry, you become responsible for the finial secutity of your spouse's family. 

[zil]

7 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

you become responsible for the finial security of your spouse's family

[anatess2]

On 7/28/2017 at 5:03 PM, omegaseamaster75 said:

I'll assume that you are a US citizen.

Your first phone call should be with an immigration attorney.  If you are serious about this person this is not the time to be cheap.  Hire a real attorney and make sure that you know 100% what you are getting into. Time and cost.  You need to pump the brakes until you do this. 

Not necessary.  Filipinos are experts (or have family and friends that are experts) at worldwide immigration policies.  Offshore workers are one of our main contributions to the planet.

Edited July 31, 2017 by anatess2

[omegaseamaster75]

On 7/29/2017 at 9:21 AM, Mahone said:

 

I'm not so sure that this is necessary. Having been through the process of applying for US residency and now about to go through the process again for US citizenship, my experience is that so called "immigration attorneys" are at best very expensive proof readers and in some cases their knowledge of US immigration is so poor that they actually make the process more difficult. Most people who hired them ended up saying it was an unnecessary waste of money.

In 99% of cases, everything an immigration lawyer can tell you can be found on the USCIS website. Just do the research and you'll be fine. Assuming you end up marrying this girl, make sure you collect as much evidence as possible to prove your relationship is bonafide and not a sham marriage. Keep things like text messages, facebook messages and photos. DO NOT ELOPE.

 

IMHO this is not good advice. Always seek the help of a trained professional there are attorneys who specialize in this stuff. Crack your wallet and at least have a consultation.

Yes everything can probably be found on the USCIS website, and when they change the law I am sure that you will be on there the next day to check the updates and see how it affects you situation. This is not realistic, it's like reading IRS publication 17 and declaring yourself a tax expert.....

[askandanswer]

10 hours ago, zil said:

Let me see if I understand this picture correctly. Is it the case that both the guys on the far right and far left share the same name - filial security, or is the guy on the left called Noodler's Bad Blue Heron, and the guy on the right is called Pilot Metropolitan? 

[zil]

4 minutes ago, askandanswer said:

Let me see if I understand this picture correctly. Is it the case that both the guys on the far right and far left share the same name - filial security, or is the guy on the left called Noodler's Bad Blue Heron, and the guy on the right is called Pilot Metropolitan? 

Really?  Finial.  N, not L.

<sigh>

[anatess2]

21 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

IMHO this is not good advice. Always seek the help of a trained professional there are attorneys who specialize in this stuff. Crack your wallet and at least have a consultation.

Yes everything can probably be found on the USCIS website, and when they change the law I am sure that you will be on there the next day to check the updates and see how it affects you situation. This is not realistic, it's like reading IRS publication 17 and declaring yourself a tax expert.....

Well, every single one of my family who left the Philppines did not seek an immigration attorney.  And my family has been migrating since before Al Gore invented the internet.

Just saying.