Bini

Your advice to a member wants to court a non-member?

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I have been divorced for a little while and I'm finally at a stage where I'm ready to start meeting new people. I've gone on some dates but haven't been excited about any one person to continue seeing them exclusively. Recently, a few weeks ago, I met a man who I seem to have a lot in common with. We started off with app messages, then text messages, and now we're doing video chats. It didn't come up right away but I have learned that he's an active LDS and wants to remain active. I told him that I am not a member and that I don't plan on converting but he still wants to meet and see where things go. What is the motive here, do you think? We met on a dating app, so I assume he's wanting some sort of relationship that leads to marriage. For whatever it's worth, I have not gotten a creepy vibe from him, and our conversations remain clean and interesting. I'm just baffled a little, I guess. Anyway, from my understanding, it's frowned upon for members to pursue non-members, mainly because core beliefs don't align. And I'd bet that most of you would advise him to run far away from a non-member... So I'm a little confused. Do these sort of relationships ever work out? 

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LDS lady married to an inactive Evangelical dude here.  We are extremely happy together.  Still--

Marriage is HARD.  Adding another layer of differences in there makes it harder.  Interfaith marriage is a LOT of work.  I would advise caution about proceeding, along with a lot of extra conversations & reflections (self and together).  You must 100% respect, love each other, and support each other AS THEY ARE-- not as a possible future *if* they change their minds.   My marriage is happy, and I know other interfaith couples that are happy.  I also know lots of couples that have split over these issues and/or had changes of faith.  So proceed with caution.

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42 minutes ago, Bini said:

I have been divorced for a little while and I'm finally at a stage where I'm ready to start meeting new people. I've gone on some dates but haven't been excited about any one person to continue seeing them exclusively. Recently, a few weeks ago, I met a man who I seem to have a lot in common with. We started off with app messages, then text messages, and now we're doing video chats. It didn't come up right away but I have learned that he's an active LDS and wants to remain active. I told him that I am not a member and that I don't plan on converting but he still wants to meet and see where things go. What is the motive here, do you think? We met on a dating app, so I assume he's wanting some sort of relationship that leads to marriage. For whatever it's worth, I have not gotten a creepy vibe from him, and our conversations remain clean and interesting. I'm just baffled a little, I guess. Anyway, from my understanding, it's frowned upon for members to pursue non-members, mainly because core beliefs don't align. And I'd bet that most of you would advise him to run far away from a non-member... So I'm a little confused. Do these sort of relationships ever work out? 

Aren't you former LDS? 

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I feel like it all depends on you and the guy. You can make it work out but it takes two to do so, and a lot of commitment from both sides. One thing to keep in mind is when you are marrying/dating someone of a different faith, that it will be 2x harder to keep the relationship stable than if you were with someone like-minded. Don't get me wrong, people with the same beliefs face their own problems. 

With that being said, it's good to start out getting to know each other's beliefs on small things. If you two mesh really well and actually have things in common in those topics, then it's easier to move on to getting to know their deeper beliefs. It's good to have this foundation before you follow through with something serious. To make it work out, I would suggest that you get to know each other's things that you have in common and dwell on those. Do things together that you like doing, go to church with him to be supportive (if it doesn't go against your beliefs to attend), etc. And he would need to do the same for you. That's why I stress that making it work needs to come from both sides. 

Another thing to add (I could go on forever trust me haha I'm trying to refrain myself) is that you need to have some respect for what he believes. You don't have to believe it, but accept that he does and that it's his life. And he must do that for you. This makes it so when he does things to enrich his spiritual life, that you won't get annoyed or angry at him. Vice versa. 

I hope it works out! LDS guys are great 😀

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1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

LDS lady married to an inactive Evangelical dude here.  We are extremely happy together.  Still--

Marriage is HARD.  Adding another layer of differences in there makes it harder.  Interfaith marriage is a LOT of work.  I would advise caution about proceeding, along with a lot of extra conversations & reflections (self and together).  You must 100% respect, love each other, and support each other AS THEY ARE-- not as a possible future *if* they change their minds.   My marriage is happy, and I know other interfaith couples that are happy.  I also know lots of couples that have split over these issues and/or had changes of faith.  So proceed with caution.

I’m happy to meet him but I’m more or less just trying to decide if there’s any point in meeting. I’m very up front about my wants and needs, and I’m not going to compromise on those. It sounds like we’re likely not a good match long term but maybe this could be a nice friendship. 

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To answer your question...

The thing about religion and politics is they both touch on morality and how we want to live our lives.  It's not necessarily the religious or political affiliation that is the issue.  It's the morality/principles/ideology that are behind both of those.

Two people of very varying, especially conflicting, beliefs on morality/principles/ideology can have very exciting conversations as they traverse their differences and try to understand each other.  The problem is when you get deeper into the relationship and the other person's beliefs start affecting how you want to live your life that it becomes very very dicey.

So that's where the decision has to be made - on whether you can live with a guy whose morality/principles/ideology affects you on a daily basis.

Edited by anatess2

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1 hour ago, Morgaine said:

I feel like it all depends on you and the guy. You can make it work out but it takes two to do so, and a lot of commitment from both sides. One thing to keep in mind is when you are marrying/dating someone of a different faith, that it will be 2x harder to keep the relationship stable than if you were with someone like-minded. Don't get me wrong, people with the same beliefs face their own problems. 

With that being said, it's good to start out getting to know each other's beliefs on small things. If you two mesh really well and actually have things in common in those topics, then it's easier to move on to getting to know their deeper beliefs. It's good to have this foundation before you follow through with something serious. To make it work out, I would suggest that you get to know each other's things that you have in common and dwell on those. Do things together that you like doing, go to church with him to be supportive (if it doesn't go against your beliefs to attend), etc. And he would need to do the same for you. That's why I stress that making it work needs to come from both sides. 

Another thing to add (I could go on forever trust me haha I'm trying to refrain myself) is that you need to have some respect for what he believes. You don't have to believe it, but accept that he does and that it's his life. And he must do that for you. This makes it so when he does things to enrich his spiritual life, that you won't get annoyed or angry at him. Vice versa. 

I hope it works out! LDS guys are great 😀

Thanks for your in-depth reply.

I am fine with others choosing faith and attending church, however, as an atheist I have zero interest in participating in any extent. I suppose further discussion will need to be had if we decide to see each other again, but I don’t want to attend church services, but I am fine if he does. 

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2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

To answer your question...

The thing about religion and politics is they both touch on morality and how we want to live our lives.  It's not necessarily the religious or political affiliation that is the issue.  It's the morality/principles/ideology that are behind both of those.

Two people of very varying, especially conflicting, beliefs on morality/principles/ideology can have very exciting conversations as they traverse their differences and try to understand each other.  The problem is when you get deeper into the relationship and the other person's beliefs start affecting how you want to live your life that it becomes very very dicey.

So that's where the decision has to be made - on whether you can live with a guy whose morality/principles/ideology affects you on a daily basis.

If he requires me to attend church and such, we won’t be a good fit. I support him attending, that’s fine, but I have no interest in participating. Right now he claims that he doesn’t care if I participate or not.

 

———

 

I think the good advice I am getting is that this whole situation is setup for failure. I agree. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. 

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2 minutes ago, Bini said:

If he requires me to attend church and such, we won’t be a good fit. I support him attending, that’s fine, but I have no interest in participating. Right now he claims that he doesn’t care if I participate or not.

 

———

 

I think the good advice I am getting is that this whole situation is setup for failure. I agree. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. 

Yeah.  It goes waaaaay beyond just going to Church.  It's a gap in lifestyle, especially as Atheist and LDS principles vary by a lot.  Lots of compromises have to be made which affects not just his relationship with you but his relationship to your daughters too.

I'm not saying it can't work.  Only that lots of compromises and conflict resolution have to be made.

Edited by anatess2

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10 minutes ago, Bini said:

If he requires me to attend church and such, we won’t be a good fit. I support him attending, that’s fine, but I have no interest in participating. Right now he claims that he doesn’t care if I participate or not.

 

———

 

I think the good advice I am getting is that this whole situation is setup for failure. I agree. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. 

If he says he doesn't care whether you attend or not, give it time to see if he really means that. Why give up on someone you haven't gotten to know yet based on an assumption, you know? I'd give it a try if I were you. 

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2 hours ago, Bini said:

I have been divorced for a little while and I'm finally at a stage where I'm ready to start meeting new people. I've gone on some dates but haven't been excited about any one person to continue seeing them exclusively. Recently, a few weeks ago, I met a man who I seem to have a lot in common with. We started off with app messages, then text messages, and now we're doing video chats. It didn't come up right away but I have learned that he's an active LDS and wants to remain active. I told him that I am not a member and that I don't plan on converting but he still wants to meet and see where things go. What is the motive here, do you think? We met on a dating app, so I assume he's wanting some sort of relationship that leads to marriage. For whatever it's worth, I have not gotten a creepy vibe from him, and our conversations remain clean and interesting. I'm just baffled a little, I guess. Anyway, from my understanding, it's frowned upon for members to pursue non-members, mainly because core beliefs don't align. And I'd bet that most of you would advise him to run far away from a non-member... So I'm a little confused. Do these sort of relationships ever work out? 

Ive never been asked by a former member if they should date/marry a member haha.

I would say don’t do it. Marriage is hard (as stated above) and throwing in disagreements neither would ever agree on makes it worst.

Especially if the church is important to him, he may see you as a “project”.

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3 minutes ago, Fether said:

Ive never been asked by a former member if they should date/marry a member haha.

I would say don’t do it. Marriage is hard (as stated above) and throwing in disagreements neither would ever agree on makes it worst.

Especially if the church is important to him, he may see you as a “project”.

Ugh. Those are the worst kinds of Mormons. People aren’t projects. If I even get an inkling that is what he’s doing, I’ll be gone so fast. I don’t think it’s responsible to get involved with someone just because you want to change them.

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1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

To answer your question...

The thing about religion and politics is they both touch on morality and how we want to live our lives.  It's not necessarily the religious or political affiliation that is the issue.  It's the morality/principles/ideology that are behind both of those.

Two people of very varying, especially conflicting, beliefs on morality/principles/ideology can have very exciting conversations as they traverse their differences and try to understand each other.  The problem is when you get deeper into the relationship and the other person's beliefs start affecting how you want to live your life that it becomes very very dicey.

So that's where the decision has to be made - on whether you can live with a guy whose morality/principles/ideology affects you on a daily basis.

I agree that lifestyle & general ethics is a big deal here.

One reason my husband and I work so well that, despite having different faiths, we have the same choices on lifestyle & ethics.  Both value God & family, complete loyalty it marriage (not even porn), hard work etheric, frugal money management, agree on Word of Wisdom stuff (even though his motivation is totally secular), etc.  On some areas (like Sunday is for God & family, not working!) he's actually a much 'better' Mormon than I am.  

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2 hours ago, anatess2 said:

...Lots of compromises have to be made which affects not just his relationship with you but his relationship to your daughters too....

IIRC, Bini has a daughter and a son.

M.

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4 hours ago, Bini said:

What is the motive here, do you think?

Hmmm. A lonely guy chats with a seemingly attractive girl online and wants to meet her face to face.

Completely baffling. I give up. I have absolutely no idea what his motive might be. :)

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1 hour ago, mrmarklin said:

Serious dating revolves around finding a lasting partner. I’d give it a pass. You are not compatible IMNSHO. 

So why waste the time?

Exception:  Is he rich?

He might be rich.

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1 hour ago, Vort said:

Hmmm. A lonely guy chats with a seemingly attractive girl online and wants to meet her face to face.

Completely baffling. I give up. I have absolutely no idea what his motive might be. :)

There you are, Vort! How are you? 

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10 minutes ago, Bini said:

There you are, Vort! How are you? 

Doing fine, thanks, Bini. Hope things are going well for you and your baby. (Babies? Do you have one or two?)

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1 hour ago, Vort said:

Doing fine, thanks, Bini. Hope things are going well for you and your baby. (Babies? Do you have one or two?)

Good to hear. Two babies but not quite baby-babies anymore. Oldest is 7 and youngest is 3! 

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1 hour ago, Bini said:

Good to hear. Two babies but not quite baby-babies anymore. Oldest is 7 and youngest is 3! 

Pshaw. My oldest is 26, and I still call him my baby. In front of his wife, even.

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