Lame Jokes, the Sequel

[zil]

There's this guy who collects candy canes.  They're all in mint condition.

[NeuroTypical]

Most best one of these yet:

[Guest]

Has anyone seen these?

https://www.google.com/search?q=JLA+texts&safe=off&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwja4P-g56_fAhVJbK0KHXiqD2kQsAR6BAgGEAE&biw=1920&bih=938#imgrc=aorQEk1A29YtDM:

 

JLA texting.

Edited December 21, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

[anatess2]

[Traveler]

On 12/7/2016 at 3:45 PM, Carborendum said:

How do you kill an elephant?  With an elephant gun.

How do you kill a blue elephant?  With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?  You hold its trunk until it turns blue.  Then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?  You tell it a really embarrassing joke until it turns red.  Then you hold its trunk until it turns blue.  Then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant?  Who ever heard of a purple elephant?

since someone started elephant jokes - Do you know what you can do with an elephant on the freeway?

ans - almost 30 miles/hour.

Do you know how to tell if you just passed an elephant?

ans - the toilet won't flush.

 

The Traveler 

[Guest]

Trying to concatenate the numbers 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals simply gets me LIVID.

Edited January 16, 2019 by Guest

[askandanswer]

I think that would be the LIVED experience of anyone who tries to do the same

[askandanswer]

What do you call a man with a car on his head - Jack

What do you call a man in a pile of leaves - Rustle

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the middle of the ocean - Bob

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head - Doug

 

[zil]

6 hours ago, askandanswer said:

What do you call a man with no arms and legs

Ah, the classics:

...on the beach?  .Sandy.

...on the front porch?  .Matt.

...hanging on a wall?  .Art.

[Vort]

3 hours ago, zil said:

Ah, the classics:

...on the beach?  .Sandy.

...on the front porch?  .Matt.

...hanging on a wall?  .Art.

...in a hot tub? .Stu.

...in a swimming pool? .Bob.

...wost in the pwumbling? .Dwayne.

Edited January 13, 2019 by Vort

[askandanswer]

This is the sign outside my local butcher's job.

'

 

And on the other side

 

 

[NeuroTypical]

[askandanswer]

Doctor: We've got the results of your tests, and your DNA is all backwards

Patient: AND..............?

[Guest Mores]

On 1/13/2019 at 7:59 AM, zil said:

Ah, the classics:

...on the beach?  .Sandy.

...on the front porch?  .Matt.

...hanging on a wall?  .Art.

Sandy

Mat

Art

[dprh]

5 hours ago, Mores said:

Sandy

Mat

Art

I always ask them as "What do you call a man (or woman) with no arms or legs..."  then for Art, you can ask what do you call his arms and legs?

Pieces of Art.

My three favorites are

...a woman...on a tennis court?

Annette

...two guys...in a window?

Curt and Rod

...a guy and a girl...on a grill

Frank and Patty

[askandanswer]

Another one from my local butcher

 

R.I P Boiling Water

You'll be mist

[Jamie123]

What's the definition of "baroque"?

When you have no Monet.

[askandanswer]

Yet more truth and light from my local butcher. On one side of his board:

Three unwritten rules of life:

1. 

2. 

3. 

 

On the other side:

Justice is a best served cold. If it was served warm it would be just water. 

[Jamie123]

[NeuroTypical]

This isn't so much a 'lame joke', more like a 'did you call my life lame' moment.

[Guest Scott]

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "How you doin' Mitt?"

[Carborendum]

17 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

This isn't so much a 'lame joke', more like a 'did you call my life lame' moment.

That's me to a T.  I feel so pathetic.

[Carborendum]

16 hours ago, Scott said:

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "How you doin' Mitt?"

Speaks pretty poorly of Mitt, when both Scott and I agree on our opinion of him.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Carborendum

[Vort]

"That sounds like 'third' in some Latin language," Tom said tersely.