Returning after an affair

[Returninghome]

I have been inactive for 4 years. I had an affair on my husband 3 years ago (it lasted close to 3 months, no se/oral sex but sexual things, lots of texting, hanging out etc). He knows of the affair-every little detail. We have worked through it and our marriage is stronger than ever before. I want to come back to the church. I have been prompted a few times in the last 6 months and even more so in the last month that I need to return to church and that I need to get back to the temple. This is a huge change in direction for me as I have not felt the desire to return and had even thought about leaving the church all together. I cannot deny this prompting. My husband is not ready to be active again so it will just be me. We have moved and will be going to a brand new ward. I plan on meeting with my bishop soon. My question is what should I expect? If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated. What do you think will most likely happen? 

[pam]

To be honest none of us here really can answer that question.  The only one that can will be your Bishop.

[FunkyTown]

13 hours ago, Returninghome said:

I have been inactive for 4 years. I had an affair on my husband 3 years ago (it lasted close to 3 months, no se/oral sex but sexual things, lots of texting, hanging out etc). He knows of the affair-every little detail. We have worked through it and our marriage is stronger than ever before. I want to come back to the church. I have been prompted a few times in the last 6 months and even more so in the last month that I need to return to church and that I need to get back to the temple. This is a huge change in direction for me as I have not felt the desire to return and had even thought about leaving the church all together. I cannot deny this prompting. My husband is not ready to be active again so it will just be me. We have moved and will be going to a brand new ward. I plan on meeting with my bishop soon. My question is what should I expect? If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated. What do you think will most likely happen? 

Talk to your bishop. Pam's right - We don't know what will happen, but excommunication isn't devastating. It's not even bad. It's just the chance to work through whatever you need to work through. You'll eventually be able to come back to the temple even if that happens.

Honestly, excommunication isn't a punishment. It's just a chance to work on you.

[Overwatch]

16 hours ago, Returninghome said:

I have been inactive for 4 years. I had an affair on my husband 3 years ago (it lasted close to 3 months, no se/oral sex but sexual things, lots of texting, hanging out etc). He knows of the affair-every little detail. We have worked through it and our marriage is stronger than ever before. I want to come back to the church. I have been prompted a few times in the last 6 months and even more so in the last month that I need to return to church and that I need to get back to the temple. This is a huge change in direction for me as I have not felt the desire to return and had even thought about leaving the church all together. I cannot deny this prompting. My husband is not ready to be active again so it will just be me. We have moved and will be going to a brand new ward. I plan on meeting with my bishop soon. My question is what should I expect? If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated. What do you think will most likely happen? 

Hey Chica,

Welcome home! I am very happy your husband forgave you. I am very sorry you gave into temptation and broke your marriage vows. :C You most likely won't get excommunicated, just being straight up. Unless of course your Bishop feels strongly you should be.

Here are some things to ask yourself (please don't respond to them):

-Did you feel remorse?

-Do you understand the severity of breaking marriage covenants?

-Have you gotten over the affair? 

-Do you think you can remain faithful from now on?

-If required, are you willing to be disfellowshipped or excommunicated to show you are willing to make a full repentance?

Just go in with the spirit of prayer and take your husband with you. Ask for a blessing if needs be to help BOTH of your hearts to heal. 

What makes sexual affairs so serious is your marriage is the strongest bond you will have throughout eternity. It is so hard... to earn that confidence and love couples share at the start of a fresh , exciting sealing/marriage. The innocence (regardless if premarital relations repented of) that bond needs to be rebuilt. Also not to mention babies being born outside of marriage and disease.

Sorry ... team showed up. Got to get work, just go to see the bishop. Everything will be okay. 

 

 

[Fether]

16 hours ago, Returninghome said:

I have been inactive for 4 years. I had an affair on my husband 3 years ago (it lasted close to 3 months, no se/oral sex but sexual things, lots of texting, hanging out etc). He knows of the affair-every little detail. We have worked through it and our marriage is stronger than ever before. I want to come back to the church. I have been prompted a few times in the last 6 months and even more so in the last month that I need to return to church and that I need to get back to the temple. This is a huge change in direction for me as I have not felt the desire to return and had even thought about leaving the church all together. I cannot deny this prompting. My husband is not ready to be active again so it will just be me. We have moved and will be going to a brand new ward. I plan on meeting with my bishop soon. My question is what should I expect? If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated. What do you think will most likely happen? 

Excommunication can be devastating, but it isn’t an “end all”, it isn’t a fiery pit of horror we all see it to be. Excommunication is just a step toward repentance for greater sins that we have committed. It is not meant to be a humiliating punishment, but a step the cleansing ourselves. If I was required to be excommunicated as part of the repentance process because I got angry at my wife, I would happily do it in a heart beat.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Fether

[Guest MormonGator]

Gotta say it-I admire you so much for wanting to come back to the church. You are on the right track already! 

[zil]

Welcome, @Returninghome!  As everyone has said, only your bishop knows, excommunication is just a part of the process - if it even happens at all, and it is not a certainty - especially given what you've described.  Trust the Lord and the promptings of the Spirit.  Go see your bishop.  It'll be OK.

[estradling75]

Welcome @Returninghome 

It has been my experience that I should follow the Lord's prompting no matter how it turns out.  Many time I have followed promptings and I assumed I knew what the Lord had in mind... only to find out my assumption was very wrong and the Lord had something better in mind.

I do not know what your Bishop will do.  I expect that he will seek out the Lord's guidance in prayer and pondering.  If it turns out that it is excommunication then have Faith that is exactly the path of repentance the Lord wants you on and engage it fully. If it is something else engage that fully.

It is also been my experience (and many others)  that truly done repentance is a highly spiritual path drawing one closer to the Lord then ever before.  Please do not miss that chance out of fear.

[Grunt]

17 hours ago, Returninghome said:

I have been inactive for 4 years. I had an affair on my husband 3 years ago (it lasted close to 3 months, no se/oral sex but sexual things, lots of texting, hanging out etc). He knows of the affair-every little detail. We have worked through it and our marriage is stronger than ever before. I want to come back to the church. I have been prompted a few times in the last 6 months and even more so in the last month that I need to return to church and that I need to get back to the temple. This is a huge change in direction for me as I have not felt the desire to return and had even thought about leaving the church all together. I cannot deny this prompting. My husband is not ready to be active again so it will just be me. We have moved and will be going to a brand new ward. I plan on meeting with my bishop soon. My question is what should I expect? If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated. What do you think will most likely happen? 

I can't add anything but this:  regardless of the outcome, you won't be devastated.  You'll be on the road to repentance.

[Returninghome]

Thanks for all your responses and encouragement. I will definitely make an appointment with my bishop (once I figure out who the bishop is that is haha). I am a convert. I was only a member for 3 years when I became inactive. I still have a lot to learn and excommunication seems scary and devastating to me but I think I just need to look at it in a different light (as just another path to repentance rather than a devastating punishment). I feel extreme remorse for my actions. I have prayed fervently for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father and have felt his love in return. I made the ultimate mistake and I will deal with whatever natural consequences come my way with grace. I have a lot of fear (confessing my biggest mistake to a man I literally don’t know at all is scary) but I am going to choose faith over fear. Can someone tell me what the disfellowship/excommunication processes look like? 

[NeuroTypical]

  I think you're on the right path.

What will it look like?  It's different for each person, but basically, it is a process intended to help you avail yourself of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  The whole process, from start to finish, should be accompanied by love and support of your Bishop.  Basically, it's the process you move through to get rid of the stain of sin, and emerge clean and whole. 

Life unburdened by guilt is a wonderful thing.  It is worth the short term pain.  Be transparent, be truthful.  Confess everything.  There is a healing power in actually putting your sins into words, and speaking them out loud, even though it can be the hardest thing in the world.  It is not easy, but I testify it will be worth it.  Your bishop will help you.  

It will be a process, not an event.  When you make the appointment with your bishop, ask for his last appointment of the day.  That way, it can be as short or as long as it needs to be.  You will have a much better understanding of what it will look like, after that first appointment.

Something you might find comforting: Your bishop will probably have heard it all before.  Your sins are yours, but they are probably not unique. You're not the only sinful member of a church full of perfect people.  You're one of us, and each of us has a story and a past.

Edited July 12, 2018 by NeuroTypical

[Vort]

5 hours ago, FunkyTown said:

Honestly, excommunication isn't a punishment. It's just a chance to work on you.

I think I agree with the spirit of FunkyTown's response, but I disagree with the above statement. By definition, excommunication is a punishment. I think it's more profitable to think of it as "discipline", a trial undertaken by one who would be a disciple.

In any case, excommunication is not a given, and may well not be given here. But whether or not excommunication is imposed, whatever happens is ultimately for your own good. Don't fear it; embrace it. Be enthusiastic. If your bishop recommends excommunication, assure him that you will work with him to do whatever is necessary to regain those covenant blessings.

[Vort]

2 hours ago, Fether said:

If I was required to be excommunicated as part of the repentance process because I got angry at my wife, I would happily do it in a heart beat.

This is a standard of conduct that would likely prove beyond my still-meager capabilities.

[Returninghome]

13 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

  I think you're on the right path.

What will it look like?  It's different for each person, but basically, it is a process intended to help you avail yourself of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  The whole process, from start to finish, should be accompanied by love and support of your Bishop.  Basically, it's the process you move through to get rid of the stain of sin, and emerge clean and whole. 

Life unburdened by guilt is a wonderful thing.  It is worth the short term pain.  Be transparent, be truthful.  Confess everything.  There is a healing power in actually putting your sins into words, and speaking them out loud, even though it can be the hardest thing in the world.  It is not easy, but I testify it will be worth it.  Your bishop will help you.  

It will be a process, not an event.  When you make the appointment with your bishop, ask for his last appointment of the day.  That way, it can be as short or as long as it needs to be.  You will have a much better understanding of what it will look like, after that first appointment.

Something you might find comforting: Your bishop will probably have heard it all before.  Your sins are yours, but they are probably not unique. You're not the only sinful member of a church full of perfect people.  You're one of us, and each of us has a story and a past.

That is comforting to me, thank you.  I am going to figure out who the bishop is right now.  Thanks!

 

[Returninghome]

7 minutes ago, Vort said:

I think I agree with the spirit of FunkyTown's response, but I disagree with the above statement. By definition, excommunication is a punishment. I think it's more profitable to think of it as "discipline", a trial undertaken by one who would be a disciple.

In any case, excommunication is not a given, and may well not be given here. But whether or not excommunication is imposed, whatever happens is ultimately for your own good. Don't fear it; embrace it. Be enthusiastic. If your bishop recommends excommunication, assure him that you will work with him to do whatever is necessary to regain those covenant blessings.

It is (if I am in fact excommunicated) a consequence of my actions.  I think the difference between a punishment and a consequence is that a consequence is meant to teach a lesson and lead to a positive outcome where as a punishment is meant to cause suffering.  I do agree it is discipline to lead back to the straight and narrow!

[e-eye]

I would just echo what has been said - it's case by case and up to the bishop which means it's up to the Lord.  Here are the possibilities -

With time and inactivity confession to the bishop may be enough
Possible disciplinary court is held where you could receive informal probation, probation, dis-fellowship or excommunication.

A few factors - being a convert and not growing up in the gospel may help your cause, having gone through the temple and having made covenants is more serious.

The above is just the logistics of possibilities.  I have been in many courts like this and I am amazed at the love that is felt, the respect that is felt for the person who is repenting and the healing power of the atonement.  You may not even get to a court but if you do, don't stress you will come out 100% better.  You are on the right track and those promptings are for your good.   Good Luck!!!

[pam]

Thank you to all of you for your positive and encouraging comments.

[VelvetShadow]

On 7/12/2018 at 7:48 AM, Returninghome said:

I have been inactive for 4 years. I had an affair on my husband 3 years ago (it lasted close to 3 months, no se/oral sex but sexual things, lots of texting, hanging out etc). He knows of the affair-every little detail. We have worked through it and our marriage is stronger than ever before. I want to come back to the church. I have been prompted a few times in the last 6 months and even more so in the last month that I need to return to church and that I need to get back to the temple. This is a huge change in direction for me as I have not felt the desire to return and had even thought about leaving the church all together. I cannot deny this prompting. My husband is not ready to be active again so it will just be me. We have moved and will be going to a brand new ward. I plan on meeting with my bishop soon. My question is what should I expect? If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated. What do you think will most likely happen? 

I'm new to all this LDS stuff so forgive me if I sound really uneducated and stupid!

Firstly I am so sorry you and your husband went through all this, and I commend you both on sticking it out and making your marriage stronger instead of taking the easy path and walking away.  I think its awesome that you worked through it and stayed together.

Is is seriously a possibility that you could be excommunicated for having an affair?  Really?  I don't understand why the church would throw you out completely, I mean repentance is one thing but excommunication? Is that really a possibility?

Edited July 13, 2018 by VelvetShadow

[Guest MormonGator]

3 minutes ago, VelvetShadow said:

I'm new to all this LDS stuff so forgive me if I sound really uneducated and stupid!

My friend, never worry about that. Seriously.

First off, you don't sound stupid or uneducated.

Second,  the amount of stupid questions and things I've said that are ignorant are too many to count and I'm still here.

[zil]

29 minutes ago, VelvetShadow said:

I don't understand why the church would throw you out completely, I mean repentance is one thing but excommunication?

The word "excommunication" sounds, perhaps, nastier than it is.  For the Church (as opposed to some other churches), it's not about kicking someone out and telling them we don't want to see them ever again.  It's about helping them to repent.

An interesting fact is that sometimes, in order for us to learn to choose the good over the bad, we must experience the bad.  Like a child who has to do something painful before they'll listen to their parents' advice, so do we, sometimes, have to feel the pain of separation (from the ordinances and covenants we make with God) before we appreciate just how much those ordinances and covenants mean to us.  Then, realizing how much we've lost, we humble ourselves and turn more sincerely to God, accepting his help on his terms, without the reservations we may have previously had.

This principle is true, of course, for any discipline, any temporary restriction or even personal experience wherein we lose the Spirit for a time without any Church official ever being involved.

We hesitate to tell someone they will or won't be excommunicated, because we are not the ones with the stewardship and authority to know, but when a person is already repentant, has already forsaken their sin, is humble and wants to be right with the Lord, excommunication is less likely.  On the other hand, if a person is rebellious, denying their sin, prideful, or similar, excommunication may be necessary to help them realize the seriousness of their situation.

And for a Mormon, breaking temple covenants is extremely serious.

Hope that helps to give some perspective.

Edited July 13, 2018 by zil

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, zil said:

  It's about helping them to repent.

I think it's that way for most churches, in fairness.

[zil]

2 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I think it's that way for most churches, in fairness.

I hope so.

Lots of people talk about it as if it were akin to shunning, and I wanted to clarify that's not the case, at least for us.  (I really don't know the details of excommunication from any other church, but I would hope they have the same goal.)

[Guest MormonGator]

Just now, zil said:

I hope so.

Lots of people talk about it as if it were akin to shunning, and I wanted to clarify that's not the case, at least for us.  (I really don't know the details of excommunication from any other church, but I would hope they have the same goal.)

Some churches forbid you to have contact with the excommunicated person-that could be considered "shunning"

[VelvetShadow]

13 minutes ago, zil said:

The word "excommunication" sounds, perhaps, nastier than it is.  For the Church (as opposed to some other churches), it's not about kicking someone out and telling them we don't want to see them ever again.  It's about helping them to repent.

An interesting fact is that sometimes, in order for us to learn to choose the good over the bad, we must experience the bad.  Like a child who has to do something painful before they'll listen to their parents' advice, so do we, sometimes, have to feel the pain of separation (from the ordinances and covenants we make with God) before we appreciate just how much those ordinances and covenants mean to us.  Then, realizing how much we've lost, we humble ourselves and turn more sincerely to God, accepting his help on his terms, without the reservations we may have previously had.

This principle is true, of course, for any discipline, any temporary restriction or even personal experience wherein we lose the Spirit for a time without any Church official ever being involved.

We hesitate to tell someone they will or won't be excommunicated, because we are not the ones with the stewardship and authority to know, but when a person is already repentant, has already forsaken their sin, is humble and wants to be right with the Lord, excommunication is less likely.  On the other hand, if a person is rebellious, denying their sin, prideful, or similar, excommunication may be necessary to help them realize the seriousness of their situation.

And for a Mormon, breaking temple covenants is extremely serious.

Hope that helps to give some perspective.

Thanks that does help explain it to me, but one question though, what happens if you die while you are excommunicated?  Like say you were temple going, happy LDS member, did something that got you excommunicated for a time period and ended up dying in that time period of excommunication?  Do you still get to go to the highest level of heaven?

[pam]

1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

Second,  the amount of stupid questions and things I've said that are ignorant are too many to count and I'm still here.

I can attest to this.