Returning after an affair

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

8 hours ago, VelvetShadow said:

Is it seriously a possibility that you could be excommunicated for having an affair?  Really?  I don't understand why the church would throw you out completely, I mean repentance is one thing but excommunication? Is that really a possibility?

I agree with Zil.  

It might be helpful to think of excommunication as a form of spiritual bankruptcy.  When someone goes to the temple, they make covenants with the Lord.  As Zil said, violating those covenants is very serious, the more you do it, it's like racking up more and more debt (spiritual debt.)  Sometimes the best way to clear the debt is through ex-communication.  It clears you for the time being from your covenants so you don't keep acquiring new debt.  As in bankruptcy, you get a clean slate, so to speak.  Yes, it is painful, bankruptcy is painful.  But when one is serious about repenting, ex-communication can be a helpful step, and that person can work towards being re-baptized, and having their temple covenants/blessings restored.  

For people who are not at all repentant, it is really better that they be excommunicated so they stop adding up their spiritual debt.  

Ex-communication is a serious step to be sure, but I believe it is always a loving one intended to give the person the best chance to return to the Savior and His church. 

[zil]

10 hours ago, VelvetShadow said:

Thanks that does help explain it to me, but one question though, what happens if you die while you are excommunicated?  Like say you were temple going, happy LDS member, did something that got you excommunicated for a time period and ended up dying in that time period of excommunication?  Do you still get to go to the highest level of heaven?

I do not know the official answer, but because Mormons believe in proxy work for the dead, I assume that they could be re-baptized and then have their temple blessings restored by proxy.  Either way (whether that can or cannot be done), the real answer is that it's up to the Lord what happens to them in the eternities, and the Lord always does what is right.

[estradling75]

To follow up on the whole Excommunication possibility.  A sign on just about every church building I have seen says "Visitors Welcome" 

We totally want and encourage total strangers to come in and join us...  So why would we treat the wayward prodigal or the member who is under a form of discipline worst then that?

Yes there are things that we will not ask non member, wayward members or disciplined members do.... like give talks, or prayers to teach lesson or otherwise lead and I hope you would find that totally understandable...  But sitting in the pews and listening and interacting is not something we restrict.

And it is our hope that the non member, wayward, or disciplined member is interested and working toward changing their status because we have plenty of work to do.  :)

[NeuroTypical]

12 hours ago, VelvetShadow said:

Thanks that does help explain it to me, but one question though, what happens if you die while you are excommunicated?  Like say you were temple going, happy LDS member, did something that got you excommunicated for a time period and ended up dying in that time period of excommunication?  Do you still get to go to the highest level of heaven?

Speculating is all we can do, but what do you think God would do with one of His children in such a situation?  Do you think He'd say "well, never mind - I mean, I love you and all, but you died while excommunicated, so too bad"?

I figure He'd apply perfect, righteous judgment, knowing us better than we know ourselves, loving us fully.  And whatever that looks like, would happen.

[Sunday21]

@Returninghome Hi! Sorry that you are going through this! You know how Satan messes with your mind? I would discount a big chunk of your anxiety to his imperial nastiness. I suspect that things will go a great deal better than you think! We are on your side! Make that phone call to the bishop or just email him. Things will get better starting now. Good luck!

Edited August 14, 2018 by Sunday21

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

14 hours ago, VelvetShadow said:

Thanks that does help explain it to me, but one question though, what happens if you die while you are excommunicated?  Like say you were temple going, happy LDS member, did something that got you excommunicated for a time period and ended up dying in that time period of excommunication?  Do you still get to go to the highest level of heaven?

I have a friend whose grandfather was in that situation.  He was able to be re-baptized posthumously and had his blessings restored...but it required permission from the First Presidency (the prophet and his counselors).  Given that the First Presidency approved it, I would say yes, it is still possible for him to go to the Celestial Kingdom.  I don't think we can know for sure, but definitely possible.  

[omegaseamaster75]

On 7/11/2018 at 2:48 PM, Returninghome said:

 My question is what should I expect? 

You will be welcomed back and probably given a calling.

On 7/11/2018 at 2:48 PM, Returninghome said:

If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated. What do you think will most likely happen? 

Based on what you have told us you did not have sex/oral sex did I read that right? So we are talking about an emotional affair, maybe some kissing and stuff?

Yeah, your not going to get excommunicated or disfellowshipped. Your remorseful right? You have mended fences with your spouse right? I am sure you have prayed and asked for forgiveness right? and have committed to never do it again?

Why would you disclose this past transgression to your bishop? What would the benefit of it be?

[Chilean]

Aw I'm so happy that you have the desire to come back!! Congratulations on that!! 

I agree with the excommunication. You don't have the priesthood, and if there is a disciplinary meeting it will place with members of your bishopric, and you wont get excommunicated for that.

Disfellowed? maybe. But all depends on what truly happened.

Talk to your bishop, as he'll be able to make you feel better about this situation, and will be able to tell you what's gonna happen. Here, we're just assuming.

 

 

 

Edited July 13, 2018 by Chilean

[askandanswer]

On 7/13/2018 at 11:39 AM, MormonGator said:

Second,  the amount of stupid questions and things I've said that are ignorant are too many to count and I'm still here.

Well I've been keeping count, and as of 12:00 pm last Monday, the count for the previous week was 563 - and that's only the ones I've heard about. 

[Returninghome]

On 7/13/2018 at 2:41 PM, omegaseamaster75 said:

You will be welcomed back and probably given a calling.

Based on what you have told us you did not have sex/oral sex did I read that right? So we are talking about an emotional affair, maybe some kissing and stuff?

Yeah, your not going to get excommunicated or disfellowshipped. Your remorseful right? You have mended fences with your spouse right? I am sure you have prayed and asked for forgiveness right? and have committed to never do it again?

Why would you disclose this past transgression to your bishop? What would the benefit of it be?

I have broken temple covenants and it wouldn’t feel right -for me-  to renew my recommend, partake in the sacrament and/or wear my garments again until I have discussed it with my bishop. 

[Returninghome]

I found out where my ward meets and who my bishop is. Now I just need to make the phone call and set up and appt with my bishop. Thanks for your encouragement. I feel a bit more at ease and will be prepared for whatever outcome 

[Returninghome]

On 7/13/2018 at 2:53 PM, Chilean said:

Aw I'm so happy that you have the desire to come back!! Congratulations on that!! 

I agree with the excommunication. You don't have the priesthood, and if there is a disciplinary meeting it will place with members of your bishopric, and you wont get excommunicated for that.

Disfellowed? maybe. But all depends on what truly happened.

Talk to your bishop, as he'll be able to make you feel better about this situation, and will be able to tell you what's gonna happen. Here, we're just assuming.

 

 

 

Thank you. I am going to do that very soon. I’m hoping all the assumptions are correct! Haha

[Returninghome]

UPDATE: I met with my bishop and spilled my guts the very first time meeting him.  It was.... not fun but not as awful as I expected (telling my deepest secret to a man I met only moments before was uncomfortable to say the least).  He was understanding and kind-exactly how I imagine the Lord being.  He asked for some time to be prayerful of my situation to know what route needed to be taken (if a court needs to be held or not- on a ward level.  He was leaning toward this option).  I met with him again a few days later and he asked me some more questions and details.  He decided an informal probation would be an appropriate route to go.  I got the go ahead to start wearing my garments again whenever I feel okay doing so.  I can take the sacrament again after my informal probation time and then we will discuss the temple! Thanks for your continued support!

[Sunday21]

@Returninghome Great News! 

[estradling75]

30 minutes ago, Returninghome said:

UPDATE: I met with my bishop and spilled my guts the very first time meeting him.  It was.... not fun but not as awful as I expected (telling my deepest secret to a man I met only moments before was uncomfortable to say the least).  He was understanding and kind-exactly how I imagine the Lord being.  He asked for some time to be prayerful of my situation to know what route needed to be taken (if a court needs to be held or not- on a ward level.  He was leaning toward this option).  I met with him again a few days later and he asked me some more questions and details.  He decided an informal probation would be an appropriate route to go.  I got the go ahead to start wearing my garments again whenever I feel okay doing so.  I can take the sacrament again after my informal probation time and then we will discuss the temple! Thanks for your continued support!

Thank you @Returninghome for sharing your experience.  Many people wonder and doubt on why so many of the LDS seem so keen on having people go see their Bishop.  Your experience is an example of exactly why.  

Edited August 7, 2018 by estradling75

[Jane_Doe]

YEAH!!!!!!    Thank you for sharing this great news with us!

[Guest MormonGator]

God bless you @Returninghome!!! !

[Returninghome]

18 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

Thank you @Returninghome for sharing your experience.  Many people wonder and doubt on why so many of the LDS seem so keen on having people go see their Bishop.  Your experience is an example of exactly why.  

Although my husband has forgiven me and I have felt the love and forgiveness from HF I have had a hard time forgiving myself.  It wasn't until after speaking with my bishop that I finally feel as if a weight has been lifted and I am truly on my way to forgiving myself and letting the shame go.  I wish I could encourage everyone to meet with their bishop.  It has been SO helpful for me!

 

[pwrfrk]

I found a fiance of mine was cheating on me, about a couple weeks before we were to get married.  A friend of mine gave me the proof, and I called off the wedding.  It was a video, verified the time and date on it as valid, and gave he video to her parents.  I never spoke to her again.  When she tried to talk to me, I just ignored her like she was nothing.  The guy she was banging was doing it to hurt me.  Oh yeah, it hurt.  Congrats.  But to me it just wasn't worth keeping her.  I just walked away.

 

What I have learned that time and from watching family and friends, is when someone cheats on you once, they just might do it again.  Can you trust them?  If they love you, they won't do it for anything in this world. 

[anatess2]

19 hours ago, pwrfrk said:

What I have learned that time and from watching family and friends, is when someone cheats on you once, they just might do it again.  Can you trust them?  If they love you, they won't do it for anything in this world. 

Way to encourage the OP pwrfrk.  smh.

A person truly repentant learns they don't want to go through that all over again.  They learned where it leads.

But this is irrelevant in marriage.  There are no guarantees that the person you chose to love for all eternity is not going to hurt you.  The only question is - how serious are you in your covenant to bring your spouse closer to Christ?  Or are you more interested in putting yourself in a safety no-hurt-allowed bubble?  But meh.  That's just me.

[Returninghome]

20 hours ago, pwrfrk said:

I found a fiance of mine was cheating on me, about a couple weeks before we were to get married.  A friend of mine gave me the proof, and I called off the wedding.  It was a video, verified the time and date on it as valid, and gave he video to her parents.  I never spoke to her again.  When she tried to talk to me, I just ignored her like she was nothing.  The guy she was banging was doing it to hurt me.  Oh yeah, it hurt.  Congrats.  But to me it just wasn't worth keeping her.  I just walked away.

 

What I have learned that time and from watching family and friends, is when someone cheats on you once, they just might do it again.  Can you trust them?  If they love you, they won't do it for anything in this world. 

It sounds like she wasn't the one for you, clearly.  If you were willing to walk away and "ignore her like she was nothing" you clearly weren't each others eternal companion.  However, I do not know your/the whole story so I cannot judge based on what you've provided.  I'm struggling to figure out the point of your comment ... perhaps you can clarify how this was helpful, constructive, useful etc? 

[Returninghome]

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

  There are no guarantees that the person you chose to love for all eternity is not going to hurt you.  The only question is - how serious are you in your covenant to bring your spouse closer to Christ?  Or are you more interested in putting yourself in a safety no-hurt-allowed bubble?  But meh.  That's just me.

Agreed.  You have to decide what is most important.  Protecting yourself and living in that bubble (the easy way in a lot of ways) or fully trusting another with your heart (even after a devastating blow) with hope and faith that because they ARE you're one and only, your true eternal soul mate that they will honor and protect the bond and covenants and commit to working through all the things, big and small. 

[pwrfrk]

Let me ask you this, RH- you vow to not allow this to happen again.  How does he feel about it?  Honestly, it's between you two.  If he is fine with it and accepting of what happened and being able to put that behind himself, then what does it matter what anyone else thinks?

[Blackmarch]

On 7/11/2018 at 3:48 PM, Returninghome said:

 

 

On 7/12/2018 at 8:17 PM, VelvetShadow said:

Thanks that does help explain it to me, but one question though, what happens if you die while you are excommunicated?  Like say you were temple going, happy LDS member, did something that got you excommunicated for a time period and ended up dying in that time period of excommunication?  Do you still get to go to the highest level of heaven?

then you go through the process in the spirit world and someone here will do the baptism in your name, which you'll be offered there, and you'll be able to get back on track.

[GaleG]

On 7/11/2018 at 5:48 PM, Returninghome said:

If I follow the Lords prompting and then get excommunicated I will be devastated

Don't worry.  Jesus won't excommunicate you.

Gale