Sign in to follow this  
dddd

How do I tell someone they should not attend the ward?

Recommended Posts

Before you assume I'm horrible from the title, hear me out. Recently I was out with a friend and we ran into a friend of hers, who I guess used to be her nail tech. We invited her to sit and eat with us, and while we were and chatting I learned she is a convert to the church of a few years, divorcee of a few years, single mom, and looking to date men who are members. We started talking about dating as we are all single and I teased my friend that she never comes to the Young Single Adult Ward despite being in her 20's. This acquaintance says that she had never heard of singles wards before, and what a fun idea it is. I mention that they should come together sometime with me. The next week my friend puts all of us in a group chat and says we should go to church together. We carpool and this acquaintance really enjoys it, and says she is going to talk to her Bishop about transferring records. 

However, here is the kicker. I knew she must be a little older as she has grade school aged children, and she mentioned she married young, but she has one of those faces that you can't really tell how old she is. But come to find out she is at least 42, and has a son who is 23! She told us that she does not have an interest in dating men her age, and wants to date guys who are like 25, and not really older. She has come to this singles ward several times, and each time she leaves her grade school age kids home to play video games without taking them to church. She also asked me to take her to FHE and young adult activities. I told her the singles wards are typically for people no older than 30, but she says she doesn't know where else to meet young guys. She says the YSA Bishop told her it would be fine to transfer her records, but I'm imagining he is assuming she is actually YSA age.

My friend who has known her a lot longer, says she thinks she is definitely trying to reclaim her youth that she spent married to her former husband. But it's weird. She really is a sweet lady, and as someone who has gotten to know her the past couple weeks I can tell she has good intentions, but I definitely think someone telling her that she would be better off in a family ward should come from someone she knows instead of a stranger in the ward, or be offended. Is it even any of my business? She keeps contacting me to see if I'm going to church or if we can go to activities together. How would you handle this?

Edited by dddd

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's not even about whether it's your business or not, that's beside the point.  You should not get in the way of a person attending Sacrament Meeting regardless of the reason unless she's going to shoot up the ward or she's intending to disrupt Sacrament Meeting.  If going to Sacrament Meeting to meet guys is the reason she gets to attend Sacrament Meeting, then that's one way you can get someone to be in a position to be inspired by the Holy Ghost.  Trust the guys to know how to protect themselves from a cougar.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, dddd said:

each time she leaves her grade school age kids home to play video games without taking them to church.

None of your business

10 hours ago, dddd said:

Not sure how to approach this tactfully.

You don't it's none of your business.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll echo the MYOB statements, and also add that when her records get transferred into the ward, the bishop will know immediately how old she is (and probably her family composition, too). Don't worry about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

It's not even about whether it's your business or not, that's beside the point.  You should not get in the way of a person attending Sacrament Meeting regardless of the reason unless she's going to shoot up the ward or she's intending to disrupt Sacrament Meeting.  If going to Sacrament Meeting to meet guys is the reason she gets to attend Sacrament Meeting, then that's one way you can get someone to be in a position to be inspired by the Holy Ghost.  Trust the guys to know how to protect themselves from a cougar.

It's not that she's inactive, she's an active member of the church. I wasn't suggesting she is not attending of her own free will. And it's not the guys I'm worried about, it's her. She already has tried dating someone and been pretty crushed when things went badly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

None of your business

You don't it's none of your business.

It becomes my business when she is asking me for rides, etc. How would you handle that?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, dddd said:

It becomes my business when she is asking me for rides, etc. How would you handle that?

It can be hard to turn someone down when they ask for something your not comfortable giving.  It doesn't have anything to do with gender or religion.  It's a game of looking good in a culture.  You can't tell the truth, because the truth is "I feel uncomfortable giving you a ride because you're so much older than me and I'm really not interested in you."   So you're stuck with something that declines but doesn't engage.  

"Can I have a ride?"
"Sorry, I must decline."
"Why?"
"Personal reasons I'd rather not go into."

That can be hard, but the more someone pushes, the more they become the rude social-convention-breaker.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, dddd said:

It becomes my business when she is asking me for rides, etc. How would you handle that?

I'd say exactly what you said here to her about your concerns.

Edited by anatess2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You could say something along the lines as.

I'm so glad you are coming to church.  Typically this ward I go to is for people under 30.  I'm happy to invite and bring you to the activities, but I think you're children would be best served if they could attend a family ward with you where there would be a primary with kids their age.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is a difficult situation to be in. Definitely let the bishop figure out the records thing. As for your relationship with this person and how to handle conversations about going to church/activities, I would just say that you're not able to give her rides anymore and leave it at that. If she asks why, then you just say it's a personal matter and you'd wish to not discuss it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You do not tell someone that they should not attend the ward.  It is not your stewardship, it is not your prerogative.

However nothing requires you to support actions you disagree with.  The moment they ask you for 'help' that gives you a limited stewardship and prerogative.  You can say no to rendering that aid.  If you respect that limit you are on solid ground.  Beyond that you need to leave it be.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, dddd said:

It's not that she's inactive, she's an active member of the church. I wasn't suggesting she is not attending of her own free will. And it's not the guys I'm worried about, it's her. She already has tried dating someone and been pretty crushed when things went badly.

If this is the main concern, and not church regulations about age, then, despite some weirdness, does this have to be a big deal? She's at least 42, has adult children, and will likely figure out what is appropriate and what is not on her own (or perhaps with the help of the leadership once her paperwork comes to light). Unless the Spirit is really prompting you that this situation is somehow spiritually dangerous, it may be best to just let it play out. If she gets hurt, be as supportive as your relationship with her allows you to be. There are so many thoughts and opinions we carry that will never be spoken. When we reach eternity I suspect we will thank Heavenly Father that He somehow led us to be silent.

Edited by prisonchaplain

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/10/2019 at 10:29 AM, dddd said:

It becomes my business when she is asking me for rides, etc. How would you handle that?

How is how she handles her personal affairs your business even if she asks for rides? There is nothing to handle. If you got a bee in your bonnet about her life decisions keep them to yourself, if you feel super self righteous about it stop giving her rides. Your giving her rides does not allow you to be a busy body.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/10/2019 at 11:29 AM, dddd said:

It becomes my business when she is asking me for rides, etc. How would you handle that?

Her asking you for free rides isn't a reason to tell her to attend another ward.

Quote

And it's not the guys I'm worried about, it's her. 

So you are worried about her, but are bothered that she asks you for free rides?    It seems like someone who is concerned about someone would be more than happy to offer someone a free ride unless your own safety is your concern.  

Quote

 Is it even any of my business?

No.



Quote

She keeps contacting me to see if I'm going to church or if we can go to activities together. How would you handle this?

I would be nice to her and be her friend and acknowlege to myself that her dating habits and age are none of my business.   I would also offer her a free ride if she needed it (though I prefer to walk to church whenever possible).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/10/2019 at 1:28 PM, Vort said:

I'll echo the MYOB statements, and also add that when her records get transferred into the ward, the bishop will know immediately how old she is (and probably her family composition, too). Don't worry about it.

Are you sure about this? I had a bishop who told me it was time to look for a husband. He told me that as I was x age it was time. Well that age had passed me by many years previously! I had recently joined the ward.

 I suspect that they had a group of single people in that age and he was encouraging everyone in that cohort. So I am not sure that bishops necessarily see those records. Perhaps record clerks see that info.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this